Portia, I think your loving approach is just fine. As adults, we are inclined to sleep with our spouses, which is both physically and emotionally comforting. It is a sign of the perverse attitudes in the west that we (and I say that generally, not with respect to participants in the thread) expect young children to achieve solitude where we do not.
DS4 co-sleeps with me at night, and falls asleep with either me or DH for naps. (We're a family that retains naps well into childhood.) He is able to stay asleep 2ish hours on his own for naps alone after being smuggled to sleep. He can't fall asleep alone. At night, if I leave for more than 2ish hours after settling him, he will sense my departure and sleepwalk in angst, crying. If I stay, he will happily sleep 10+ hours. The world--including some close family--think DS "should" be able to sleep alone by now, and that my continued cosleeping with him enables disordered sleeping.
Right. Where "disordered" means DS getting sufficient restful sleep in the presence of a loved one, without frequent night waking, distress, or parasomnias. And "healthy" sleep involves the opposite.
You are an excellent mother, both for sensitively giving your DS what he needs and for evaluating thoughtfully how his needs might change.
ETA: I should add that DS' bed is a double in his room, and I always join him in his room. That way, when he starts to crave more sleep autonomy, it's one less adjustment for him to have to make. When DS feels strong emotions and needs a private break, he feels comfortable going to his room (of his own initiative) for quiet solo time to decompress because of the positive associations of our being there. YMMV .
