As to being "unnaturally" calm and self-controlled: I suspect that authority figures find this threatening, especially in emotionally-laden situations, as the person who is not overwhelmed by emotion is the one in charge of the situation. (Except, of course, when he/she is not really.) I hesitate to discourage adolescents from managing their emotions in time of crisis, but I do think it may help to recognize that this is experienced by some authority figures as undermining their authority. Therefore, it may be more effective when accompanied by overt gestures of respect and deference.
This hits the nail on the head. In our case, DS is not savvy/socially gifted but he is also scrupulously honest and Spock-like, which drives the adults-in-charge bananas, and results in much ill-will.
For him, it's a matter of appearing not to "care" which translates to lacking a conscience, which is far from the truth. He does, however, reserve his remorse for situations in which he's made a clear moral error and he easily compartmentalizes other situations (if he's broken an unwritten social rule) into the does-not-compute-don't-fret box.
I agree that most people are not rational, to the degree that when one encounters an actual rational, non-emotional, non-reactive person in authority, it feels like an oasis in the desert. Since your DD is able to read others' nonverbals--perhaps aeh's code-switching advice can be assimilated into her Jane Goodall bag of tricks.
