I think our standard is most in line with aeh's. We don't give allowances and we would never pay for grades. Our kids rarely whine or try to negotiate, because that drives me insane (ds13 has probably negotiated the most, perhaps because he's 4th and I wasn't as good at nipping it in the bud, lol??). We have two adult children who are both doing a great job of budgeting/paying for what they need, so it has worked for us. From the beginning, our philosophy was that they needed to do things because - because they are part of the family, because they should care about their grades, etc. We are not big spenders or gift givers. One dd got her first smart phone at college graduation, one got it after. Only one owns a car (bought by herself when she was working after college), although we lent 2nd dd one of ours when she needed it. One has a TV, one still doesn't. My older teen has a phone, but younger doesn't. Neither has a laptop, tablet, tv, iPod, car, etc. We're not poor by any means, but our priority has been having one parent at home, paying for college, etc... My kids are very money conscious, but not in a paranoid way, in a good way. Older dd had all tuition paid for, and we paid room and board. Younger dd had about half tuition paid. She finished college in three years because she didn't feel comfortable having us spend money we didn't have to, even though she might have liked to go abroad, take additional classes, etc (she did already have a double major/minor/honors certificate). We didn't ask her to do this, but she did. We are very open and honest with the kids about how much we make, what our expenses are, how we make financial decisions, etc...I think they see us being good money managers and they do the same. That said, they absolutely know that if they need anything, really need anything, we are there for them. I imagine we will be financing some of 2nd dd's move across country for law school, and when the 13-year old car we had lent her started having troubles, we gave her one of our two newer cars and kept the faltering junker, since dh has the option of bus/train to work and she doesn't. We have also paid for enrichment classes through AoPS, summer camps, private music lessons, etc.. although I will say that when the kids have won partial or full scholarships, we never discussed whether they'd keep the money or contribute (it was just assumed by all that they would contribute to the cost). I think most kids today get way too much money and way too much stuff.
