Hi Cassmo- I'm sorry we missed your initial post. I don't feel like I have specific advice to share, but certainly empathize.
When my DS was 9 a beloved teacher in his elementary died. She had also been there a long time and was very popular; she taught computers/typing so all the students on the school had classes with her regularly. DS was close with her as he loved computers, and she often emailed with him, tips and helping with programs, logins for programs, etc. She was one of the first teachers who "got" DS, and he knew that.
Anyway, aside from a note to the family, where I mentioned some special things she did for DS, we did not reach out to them. The school did organize things for the students (there was a group remembrance, and a yearly memorial/tribute at an athletic event she had ties to; the older kids (high schoolers) sold t-shirts to raise money for a charity related to her death, etc.
My DS didn't fully participate in most of the public/group things, I think they were geared toward older kids and teachers. He did appreciate times when he could talk about her and his missing her, with me and with one other teacher. He was puzzled I think that other kids didn't speak about her, but he is also a private kind of kid, and perhaps they did talk to others, just not with him. He had a hard time going to computer class with the new replacement teacher, and never really embraced her or the class. It was hardest for him to walk past her classroom every day- she was a teacher who posted pictures, poems, quotes, messages from her students all over the room and the contrast and constant reminder were very hard.
I wish I had more advice, but I don't think he ever really got used to it- moving to the middle school (different building) helped as he wasn't constantly reminded and at that age they don't have the same type of computer class, so I think that helped. He doesn't ever wear the special t-shirt, but I do think he likes seeing it and thinking about her at times, so it stays in his closet for now. When we do speak of her, we always remember how she helped him, connected with him, went the extra step, etc, and though sad, they are good memories.
