Hi DeHe--
What about this scenario - my DS7 is often a loner but can also be exceptionally social, especially with adults.
As Mum3 notes, doing better with adults than peers is sometimes a flag. My DS11 would, from a young age, converse nicely with adults--because he was essentially pumping them for information (which he would then happily categorize/ systematize). Peers were not that much fun for him because he had poor play skills and they didn't have the information he craved. (He also lectured peers on scientific topics. Possibly still would if they tolerated it.)
The loner thing is also complex. Despite his autism, DS11 is a fairly gregarious person: he likes sharing jokes, likes having friends, tries hard to do it right. He just makes *tons* of social mistakes and seems wildly immature for his age. He did, it's true, spend a good amount of time walking circles around the playground by himself in early elementary because he couldn't figure out how to join the other kids' games; but by late elementary he was out playing soccer and football etc. with the other kids. That's not the usual image of autism, but it's true for him.
In school he likes to play by himself during recess because he wants a break from people and kids to enjoy what's in his head.
And you know, that was ME as a kid. I always took a book to recess and never played with anyone. I don't think I'm on the spectrum, but I was absolutely a very late bloomer socially, and I'm probably not far from the spectrum. As in, some of my social skills showed up when I was in my late 20s and 30s.
When he does play, even with gifted age mates, he wants to play his imaginary games, and tends to not want to do what others what because "it's not as good as mine". But with older kids, is more than happy to play their games, to do give and take, in short to play appropriately
To what extent are the older kids humoring him and being flexible? Adults and older kids often will do this for a younger, interesting, and enthusiastic kid-- they flex more so the kid doesn't have to flex as much.
How do you tell the difference between not being interested in playing things that don't fully engage him and that being an actual problem? Is it being able to play normally when choosing to?
I can say that my DS11 had virtually no play skills. He lined up toys, wrote and drew almost compulsively, and read voraciously but did not do imaginary play or use toys; we had to teach him to do that. He now likes acting-- but it was a process to get him there, and he is still impatient with other people's fantasy games.
I think being able to play normally some of the time is pretty important in distinguishing. Remember, my experience is basically one kid, DS11, but I would say that a kid with Asperger's will often say avoiding others' activities is a choice or preference where it's really a lack of skills.
I was worried about DS until I went on a field trip. He doesn't have "best friends" he never wanted play dates but then i saw that he is liked and engages appropriately. I think he finds the play of his age mates, again even in his gifted school, to get boring over time. So then he opts out. But is that really a problem - I guess what I am asking - is how do you know when it's an issue?
My younger DS is more like this--choosy but able to engage with peers in jointly conceived play. And he is able to articulate how others are thinking and feeling, and account for that by changing his own behavior. These are things my elder DS could not have done at that age. I don't think little DS is on the spectrum.
It seems important to me that you see things like the field trip-- that he is able to engage, that it's reciprocal conversation, that he is able to be "in the mix" at least some of the time.
I will also say that if there are other exceptionalities, even things like motor planning problems, it gets even harder to distinguish what normal vs. spectrumy social skills look like, and that having a professional give the ADOS or another standardized measure can be helpful in isolating the specific social skills.
Does that help?
DeeDee
I think I am so obsessive about his social life because he was so unhappy in preK. But I think I get trapped by the not wanting to use his giftedness as an answer for everything but at the time it clearly was the issue. But I think because of it he withdrew a bit from peers. With his writing issues, we let him play to his strengths and didn't realize until later that allowing to read and avoid play doh or other types of play involving fine motor stunted him a little.