Excuse me for being so bold as to ask, but how do you feel about his rejection of Judaism? How heavyily under Judaism does your responsibility weigh for imparting the faith?
The rejection is somewhat difficult for me, but I think that it is so disturbing because he is so openly hostile.
I definitely feel that it is important to pass on the cultural part of Judaism, if not the religious part. I meant it when I said that there are a lot of Jewish atheists - there are even secular humanist synagogues. But he seems to be rejecting it all, and even more than that, he can't seem to be tolerant of any ritual observance. Ironically, he does go a religious school and has not asked to be taken out, since his friends go there and he likes the social life!
eema, I think that Val is on the right track.
In addition-- I'd ask him (when he's receptive and you can both talk freely... in the car is often a good time/place with teens) if he participates in ALL of the things that he sees his peers/friends doing-- if not, why not?
Would he, for example, go to a cultural event such as a Chinese New Year festival? If so, would he feel that he was not being honest if he participated in dancing or traditions associated with special foods?
Would he be comfortable as a foreign exchange student experiencing, for example, a midnight mass in a cathedral? Or a Tenebrae service (which is
stunningly beautiful, honestly, regardless of one's belief)?
Would he remove his shoes to enter a mosque? (Maybe that is a question that is uncomfortable in your house-- I truly don't know.)
It may be that as a teen, he is SO familiar with your family's traditions that he cannot see the Shabbat in your own home through that lens of "traveler/tourist" but it is an idea for you both.
I think of myself as Jane Goodall of the Pentecostal/Evangelical/Baptists when I'm with my family. That has really helped me to keep my cool with them when they do and say things that offend me (and they do).
If he
cannot be pleasant on Fridays with your family, and you can't find a way to compromise that feels okay to you both, perhaps you could allow him to make plans with friends for that time? If you do that, please reassure him that you aren't "kicking him out" by any means-- but
offering him a way to participate in something meaningful to HIM during time which is meaningful to the rest of the family (for religious reasons). At least that way it isn't something that leaves you both feeling resentful or hurt.
