You've had loads of good advice already, but I just want to add: be sure that you aren't offering choices or compromises mainly in response to conflict. The time that's effective (and for us it was key, I think - he needed to know that his opinions counted) was when he was being sweet! We'd have discussions about whether it would be best to do X or Y - I tried usually to make it his opinion that counted, but also not to set it up as an artificial situation, iyswim. I felt it was a good thing to be less rather than more flexible when he was being uncooperative, so that it was clear he'd catch more flies with honey! But also, I tried to make extra time for reconnection on bad days; a long cuddle often helped a lot.
Hang in there!
ETA noone's yet mentioned How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, but I strongly recommend it. None of it's rocket science, but it's a quick read with memory-jogging cartoons! Two things I used a lot that I don't think I'd have done as well without it:
- in conflict-type situations, say it with a word. Fine, if an explanation is needed, you give it - once. After it's been given, or you're sure it's not necessary, don't get into wordy stuff again. E.g. "Shoes!" rather than "come on, you really need to put your shoes on or we're going to be late blah blah blah". Much easier to keep the focus where it needs to be and your tone cheerful.
- Grant wishes in fantasy. This one is so not my style, but there were times when it really helped. E.g. "yes, wouldn't it be great if it were your birthday tomorrow? Where would you like to have your party? What would you hope to get?" To my surprise, honestly, far from this fuelling his desire for something impossible, it often was just what was needed. I suppose it's a form of feelings validation: even when you can't give them what they want - and they often know that perfectly well! - it helps to acknowledge that they want it.
Last edited by ColinsMum; 08/16/13 04:56 AM.
