Hi,

DS is 5 also and has been pretty similar, it is embarrassing. For a long time it was obscured by his preference to just do his own thing but at some point he wants to be social and then has this need to run the show. Confusing because he is so bright and yet so socially inept in the arena of understanding that his own enjoyment would be enhanced by relinquishing some control, that his behavior is affecting the enjoyment of others.

He also is better with kids that are older, I've thought it seems to be because they tend to do novel things and he forgets to be controlling long enough to get started playing with them in a more neutral way -- plus older kids are good at managing his control attempts in a more adult way "yeah, maybe later, but right now lets keep playing this" versus "No you can't" (which DS would just take as a challenge).

We actually entirely stopped having playdates at our house for a while, his own space seemed to be the worst. We've just started again and it's much better now.

I think it may be just gaining maturity, but he seems to be improving. We are also taking every opportunity to compliment him if he's gracious or thoughtful of our (us parents) opinions or ideas, explaining that it makes us feel liked and like we're his friend when he follows our interest for a little while, pointing it out when he does it (which he does quite a bit). And explaining in great detail over and over about sharing in that sharing is not only sharing the physical possession of toys but sharing is also allowing others to be in charge an equal amount of time. It seems to help him to think of it in terms of turns. We've also tried to be better ourselves at enforcing that he not be in charge all the time in play with parents and in general share the emotional space more with us parents, find TV shows we all truly do want to watch more often, etc.

Also I've role played lately for maybe 1/2 hour a week maybe 4 or 5 times, I've said firmly, "I'm going to pretend I'm your new friend on a playdate at your room and I'm going to play with all your toys and if you whine or make faces that makes me feel like you aren't happy then we're putting whatever toys we're playing with away for a month". I make a big show of doing things with his toys that I know he wouldn't like. (Oh it made me feel good to watch his eyes widen). We did have to put away one item. But it turns out he can behave like absolutely the perfect host under those circumstances, he says things like, "oh you want to play spiderman (a vague friend's game that he hates), awesome, what shall I be?". I would say at the end "wow it was so fun to play at your house, you were so nice, can we be best friends".

So I'm not sure what it is in there that's helping but he's improving, he's 5.5 now, a lot of it may just be mentally growing up and realizing how much he really does want people to like him. Thinking about it I think it's partly been that both DH and I have bonded together on this one issue (we are sometimes pretty different about parenting but various embarrassing events have caused us to feel so aghast at his behavior we have gotten really united on the need for change) and come down really relentlessly on him about it.

Having said all that, he is still very bossy. I would go back and do things a little different at the age of 6 months if I had realized his natural personality.

One area we're still having terrific problems in is structured games, board games, any games with concrete rules. He wants to play by his own invented rules. He does have great ideas for games and yes many games are dull they way they are, but that's not the point. He bursts into tears at any suggestion he play by other rules than ones he makes up. At this point he gets anxious if anyone even mentions the word game.

The best outcome for that so far has been to make a big joke of it all and for us parents to invent rules that are absurd. Ie for bowling that if you hit the gutter it's infinity points. Which makes me believe that the root of it for him is an intense perfectionism and competitiveness that he himself is unaware of, he feels anxiety when presented with rules for a new game because he worries he may not do well, but isn't really aware at all of his own worries. That's all I can come up with. We've never made a big deal of it, always have complimented participating versus winning, etc. Perhaps we can figure out how to manage it better. Any ideas on that appreciated!

Polly