I am posting here because I'm not sure where else to go to. I live in a small town and don't know anybody else who is gifted. Recent events in my life have caused me a great deal of reflection and I am hoping for a kindred spirit or a lending ear to help explain to me what happened and what to do next.
I'm 25 and I graduated from college in '08. All my life it has been very difficult for me to talk about myself or even write about myself. It caused a lot of problems in school, and I never understood why it seemed to come so easily to other people. I would only learn from the teachers and the material that I deemed 'worthy'. I would come up with wild math theories and present them to my favorite teachers, I think hoping that it could spark an intense conversation. Many people called me their best friend, but to me they were just acquaintances. I could go on, but I think you get the idea. But here is the kicker - I didn't realize until a few months ago that I was doing any of this. I was just acting on impulse. I had an act I put on for everybody that no one could break. No one could see through it.
After I graduated, these feelings made it very difficult for me to get work. Imagine going to an interview when your biggest fear is talking about yourself. It wasn't pretty. So I followed my feelings halfway across the world to help discover what I was missing. Unfortunately, it didn't go well. I was disconnected from my music and my books so I had this uncomfortable feeling inside of me that grew worse and worse as the months progressed. I sought out friends and relationships, but I could find no one I could relate to or willing to relate to me. This made it more and more difficult for me to find work and I lost more and more control over my impulses.
This all came to a climax in January. I was penniless, separated from my passion for months, friendless, and under intense pressure to come up with money. This all lead me to had a mental breakdown and the challenge in my personality disappeared. Now, for the first time in my life, I find that I am able to talk about myself. I am able to remember things that I had never even considered before. I still feel like I am hiding myself, and am not sure who I can open up to.
Do you have any opinions, advice, general comments, understanding ... really anything would be appreciated.
