Lori,
I am having a hard time here separating out the issues you and your son have with family members and the co-op over religious beliefs, philosophy and lifestyle choices, and the issues that you are having with the co-op asking for and getting appropriate disability accommodations. Not approving of personal choices and refusing disability accommodations are (or certainly should be) two separate questions. In my opinion, as a mom with a son with some similar issues, if your son is refusing to even try to advocate for his disability-related needs because he assumes that the response will be negative, due to a climate of hostility at the co-op regarding people with disabilities, I think it is doing your son a disservice to leave him in that environment. If he is generalizing and projecting your family's attitudes onto the people at school, or acting based on fear of rejection, then he needs help, either from you or from a counselor or a mentor he trusts who is familiar with disability issues, to help him see that that is not appropriate or healthy, and that he should at least try to get his needs met rather than acting out of learned helplessness. He is at an age where he needs to be getting some practice advocating for his needs in an environment where that advocacy is likely to be successful, if he ever expects to be able to function in a higher education or work environment. In my opinion, as he is at an age where he is also really developing his own self-concept, he doesn't need to be in an environment where he might internalize shame or guilt over his disabilities, which,at least to some extent, are probably going to be with him for life.
I can see the point of the teachers on teacher.net about the use of the iPhone versus a non-internet-connected laptop or Alphasmart on tests. The iPhone allows a student access to a number of aps and online resources that would be very helpful even to students without disabilities on an exam, including spelling and grammar checking and Cliff's notes, etc., and the teacher has no way of ensuring that your son is not using them other than standing over his shoulder continuously. Yes, the other kids will know he has a disability. Yes, the teacher will know that he has a disability. He has to come to the realization that unless he can remediate his disabilities well enough that he will never need any accommodations to participate fully or show what he can do, at some point other people are going to have to find out about them. I'm not knocking the value of being able to participate in settings where the format is already completely accessible to him, but I think that it is unreasonable to expect that it will be the norm. I would point out that the more he can remediate rather than accommodate, the less frequently the question will come up.
I really hope that the two of you can find a solution that will work for your son.
