Hi Lisa. Welcome - this is truly a place where you can feel the love!
I can relate to your thoughts of "is it too late" - BTDT in many situations. I'm a classic "over thinker" and often can't let go of mistakes and ponder the what if's forever! Here's my advice, based on things I've learned and wise words from friends and advisors:
Let it go. Assuming the absence of any gross pathology in our psyche, we do the best we can with what we've got at the time. Then, when we get new information we just need to assimilate that into our own wisdom and move forward, making different choices based on the new information. As long as we are evolving as human beings then we are on the right road.
So, forgive yourself and move on. You did a wonderful job in the past! What a great opportunity for your uniquely spirited child - little formal schooling, travel abroad, support and love from her parents, opportunity to be who she is without judgement. Wonderful gifts from her parents!
Your daughter is the exact same person she was BEFORE you had her tested. She is who she is no matter what diagnosis people have given her. Use those labels with caution and only to help understand her needs.
Regarding her intensities, definitely look into sensory processing needs - Living Sensationally by Winnie Dunn is a great book that explains the continuum of sensory processing without pathologizing it. The book Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight by Sharon Heller is great for understanding sensory sensitivities and what to do about them. It's important to understand that "sensory integration" is a normal neurological process. It occurs on a continuum and no one has "perfect sensory integration." There is a "disorder" when the ability to efficiently and effectively process sensory information interferes with functional performance during daily activities. Many people have varying sensory needs that are unique or intense. That doesn't necessarily mean there is a sensory integration disorder.
My son (8 years old) also has great difficulty making decisions. I think his issues are related to "over thinking" and anxiety. He could easily have been the person you were discussing in the example about going out for a birthday dinner. We have found that limiting his choices and downplaying the importance of the choices is best. We've also taken time during non-decision making moments to discuss the process. I've tried to help him understand how you can change your decisions and the difference between seriousness of decisions (like ones where someone could get hurt versus thinking of others), etc. Perhaps some work on your daughter's anxiety would be helpful.
And letting her move forward in her education following her dreams and desires is a terrific idea. You have new information to guide those choices and it sounds like you are doing a great job integrating the new information and making different choices than you might have made a couple of years ago. Bravo!!!
