I just don't know.
I don't think I'll realistically be able to try in a college environment now. It's clear to me that I'm immensely inferior to everybody else who'll be trying to get research appointments, or into grad school, or eventually tenure.
It's clear that I've somehow managed to compensate for a lack of real ability with dumb luck and occasional strategy but that I was finally exposed for a fraud.
Though I know it's stupid, part of me wants to spite the system as well. I know I harm only myself by not doing what I want to do. But I just feel like a marionette dancing a twisted jig for gatekeeper after gatekeeper, and my performances are never good enough.
And the only person I can talk to who understands is so far away.
We can't change the past. We can only choose how to act for the future. But I'd rather invest no effort than full effort if all full effort ever gets me is 20000th place.
I am also unsure whether it will actually be possible for me to continue on to college. I had planned to finish two of my graduation requirements for high school in the last two quarters by taking an online positive psychology course and a DE English class at CC. I completed most of the work for English, requested an incomplete for the same reason as in the math classes, and then never submitted my final paper. I haven't checked my grade but it's certain I failed. I haven't even started the psychology class.
I was sent a diploma with the expectation that I'd order a transcript from CC shortly to document completion of requirements. I'm sure that diploma will be revoked.
