thanks, all.
Yes, I am trying to keep an open mind. I mentioned a few times to the principal that if there is a problem I'll help my daughter (whether she is being a bully or being bullied) but so far it sounds like it is not her, really even a little bit, bullying.
I know dd tends to try to avoid consequences by describing things in a 'nice light'. We have talked often about how that is lying.
Otoh, most of my info is from the principal and counselor, and so far I am not hearing that she did anything but push someone in two different incidents several months apart.
I mention the popcorn thing since it was just kind of the icing on the cake of how weird this has been - and I think that is why dd mentioned it, too. Sadly, she has been talking about not wanting to go to school with all this drama going on. I would never dream of mentioning it to the principal, I think that would be so off topic as to be pointless, but also pretty insulting, yikes. (I guess it sounded like I might be bringing that up with her, but no, won't be doing that, lol).
I finally caught up with the principal yesterday.
yes it is still very fuzzy as to what is going on, but she said that the new rule she was telling a few girls about was just to make sure they weren't being mean to each other - not punishment.
The reason it was so disorganized an approach:
She had just heard from another of the mothers. This person was very upset that *her* child was accused of bullying -- and now was being excluded from this pack of girls, and she said the teacher promised to speak to them about this.
The principal went to find out what the teacher had said ...couldn't find the teacher...went to the lunchroom and saw the girls sitting together and decided to at least temporarily break them up. She couldn't tell whether they were being nice or if a situation was brewing.
She also said dd is one of the girls over whom the other kids are fighting; she said of course I can't make people be friends, but I can keep an eye on minimizing when they are being mean to each other.
Oddly this conversation, despite not naming names, tells me exactly who was accused of bullying. I know this girl, and yes she has a strong personality, and very clever, but comes from a family where I know they emphasize being nice, for real - so no wonder the mom was pretty shocked and dismayed.
I asked whether any of the anti-bullying programs that are being used include working with bullies to be more able to recognize when they are crossing a line. She didn't really have any good answer, which is what I keep seeing in this other online community - punishments are concocted but a real approach for stopping what is causing the actions of the bully doesn't seem to be forthcoming. That is why I went looking on the internet the other day for studies on the matter.
From common sense, and what I've read -
The bullying starts with the bully (duh): some inability to properly express emotions they are facing (fear, anger, etc.)
What I more recently read in one study: there is also possibly some inability to recognize when they are being too aggressive - some form of social blindness, it sounds like - and I *have* worried about that with my dd, however as she matures this appears to be lessening, so at this point I am taking what the school is telling me as what is the current state of affairs.
I was pleased to note that she came home and said the teacher is starting a new point system where the students can give each other "shout outs" for being kind, exactly the sort of positive reinforcement effort that seems to be lacking sometimes.
A nice bonus is that dd has gotten one shout out already for helping another student who had left their things in the lunch room.
I know this is going to be ongoing for a few years, but at least I have some hope that when the first issue reared it's ugly head, dd seems to be behaving 'ok'.
thanks all for the perspectives.
