I thought about posting this on fb, however I felt like what I had to say would not be treated objectively. There is a big anti-bullying virtual community ramping up there, based in our actual community. This is due to a recent high school suicide, possibly due to a combination of concussion damage and bullying online.
(There is a lot of throwing around ideas on that online community, but some of it is kind of negative and not too based in science of any kind).
So that's a bit of background, at least, but also want to add - the schools are very much in overdrive on identify any possible smidge of bullying at this time.
...and here's where my dd10 comes in. Unbeknownst to me until about a day before spring break, my daughter was reported to have tackled someone in september, and then more recently pushing someone. I heard this first from the principal, who repeatedly said she was not the authority on counseling and did not have 'all the facts' -- at which point she probably should have stopped talking, because I was really told some things that were flat out wrong, and some things that apparently pertained to a different set of students. Not too cool, imo, but I guess she was just trying to help.
She stated that there was some bullying going on, my daughter was named in a letter about various problems, but she was really not able to tell me a whole lot more, other than dd was not the primary issue -- but they have a duty to explain as much as they can to all the parents of kids involved. This letter was given to the teacher a couple months ago, however I asked if the teacher herself or other students were reporting this issue with my dd. She stated that was not the case,
this was one person 'coming forward'. And then she said there was some involvement with social media, including facebook and maybe one other site.
I know my dd doesn't have a fb account (ok, can't be 100% sure, but she is in my face all the time, with what little social media she is involved in -- it is just one instagram account and a youtube account. She has 9 followers on instagram, and most of those are her cousins. All her posts are about food, for heavens sake. )
Anyway, it just sounded less and less like my daughter.
Pushing, especially accidentally, I could believe, but a sinister online presence...much less believable.
So I asked if they really had any idea what had actually occurred...but I was shunted off to the counselor instead.
This was after she said they did have my dd sign something that said "I don't remember it, but maybe I pushed someone, and if so I am sorry". Even my daughter does not remember what they are referring to (now I understand that could be her conveniently 'forgetting'...but I still was not happy with this forced confession ).
I had heard 2 weeks before that, from my daughter, that the counselor had called her and a friend in for counseling. This girl was saying a 3rd, different friend, was being very bossy and always corralling her into working with her on things, and she wanted to be able to work on things with dd as well. They came up with the idea of this friend and dd talking with the 3rd friend about sharing time together better, and the counselor hoped for the best. I immediately wondered if dd was understanding things well, was this possibly some issue with her instead of the other friend? but dd assured me this was not the case. I did warn her to be careful and considerate; my dh thought this was insanely complicated for 4th graders...but you know, girls.
back to more recently...
I could not get the counselor for a while, but was able to get a meeting later in the day.
I went in and really all the counselor said was dd may have pushed someone, she was trying to get between two girls. It sounded accidental / due to over-enthusiasm. She ended up really balling in the office, quite upset, although the counselor said 'she cried a little'. they said that the other kids who were questioned admitted that although dd was a little rougher than other kids at the beginning of the year, she seems to have caught on she was being too aggressive, and has gotten much better and that they want to be her friend.
Her teacher did not seem overly concerned, just mentioned she is doing well in math (weird off topic comment) and does seem to learn her lessons in class - as in social lessons, I suppose.
I asked if this could be fallout from having put dd into a position a few weeks back of being her friend's 'protector' in some weird way -- was it by chance the same two girls she was shoving herself between, for instance.
I also asked if they thought maybe dd wasn't perceiving the social dynamic well? did she understand what had occurred in the counseling office between the 3 friends correctly? the counselor assured me that she was correct in her understanding, so that was a relief.
Well I assured everyone I would continue to raise dd to be gentle and kind, and nice to everyone. And spoke briefly with dd about it later, and reminded her to not sign stuff if mom and dad are not around. She told me she felt HORRIBLE and cried and cried. (and principal just sat there eating popcorn like it was a show - her words).
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fast forward to 4 days after spring break.
my dd is sitting at lunch with the 3rd friend mentioned above -- the principal comes over and pulls dd aside and tells her there is a 'new policy' that people can't sit with their friends.
She said the other girl had gotten the same talking-to.
And they were told the whole class would be told this – but to date that has not occurred.
It just seems wrong to me, and I told her it sounded weird and I would ask the principal about it.
I tried in vain to get the principal on the phone for the last couple of days, or the teacher to explain. No answers.
I'm not really mad about it, I just think they are going about this incorrectly – certainly they are being unclear.
The other girl sat with dd again the next day, dd was just by herself, and this girl came over. She said her mom says I can sit wherever I want, and if they have a problem they should call her. Which is basically what I had said to dd also.
I am so confused, because I feel like the principal has 'decided' that dd is a trouble maker, and somehow separating her from the group is a good move.
My ds went through some similar bs situation in middle school, with a vice principal singling him out, and ...we ended up homeschooling but that would be much harder with dd, she is such a social girl.
I don't want to be 'that parent' denying any wrong doing of my children, and I know some kids can just not correctly perceive that they are being too aggressive when they are. So what to them seems like they are just 'joking around' can be bullying to everyone else seeing it happen. In fact, I just read a good study on this, particularly related to kids on the autism spectrum. But from what I can tell, that is not the case here.
Based on her correctly perceiving the previous counseling issues, I think dd is just caught in a weird 'drama' situation - in fact that is what is freaking her out, but could the principal maybe not make it weirder or woolier?
also when little kids are crying, can you put down the popcorn?
Any ideas would be appreciated. I am going to keep trying to get more info. if you managed to read all this, you are amazing, lol.
