Gosh - I'm really sad for you. It is so hard to manage these school things, especially when you have minimal info about what is really going on!
One thing I would get on top of though is "bullying" versus "being mean." Being mean is categorically not OK - and something to work hard to address.
I've seen my DS8 be mean in response to something that he feels something more intensely than another, less sensitive kid might. And given how quick he is verbally - his mean words can be very mean. The message I give DS is "yes - you were hurt, and it hurt a lot more than anybody realized. It's not OK that you were hurt, and I will help you with that. But you cannot lash out and be mean to retaliate. It's not going to help if you do that. It only makes things worse. You must keep working on keeping your responses in check." This is an EVERY DAY project. I only know we are making progress because the nature of his mean responses is gradually dialing back (he used to hit, etc.).
When I hear from the school that he has done something mean - I'm generally supportive of their responses, since they tend to be reasonable.
However, I raise a terrible ruckus if they improperly try to use the word "bullying." Being mean is NOT the same thing as bullying. Bullying requires a misuse of a position of power. Bullying is a special sort of "being mean" that can cause a special sort of damage.
The victim of bullying suffers in a particular way that is different from the kid who has something mean done to them. It is an affront to bullying victims to have every mean act treated as bullying. It dulls the ability of authorities to respond to actual bullying acts because those acts are buried in the wash of mean things being trumpeted as bullying by parents/authorities improperly using "bullying" to scare kids behaving meanly, and to scare their parents.
IF my son was bullying - I would want to know it and would have an instant response. But when a kid is lashing out in response (inappropriate, mean response) to a dispute, the way you commonly see elementary kids lashing out at each other, that is being mean, that is NOT OK, that must be addressed, but that is NOT bullying.
I realize there is relational aggression in girls - and the "power" lines are not always apparent. But no doubt I would come down hard and demand FACTS to support any bullying allegation. And if it's not a supported allegation - I'd demand a retraction in writing.
FWIW - I give credit to my kids' principal and teachers for drawing this line pretty clearly. So, I'm (fortunately) not speaking from my experience as a parent. I AM however, speaking from experience as a bullying victim - and I tell you it raises the hackles on the back of my neck every time I hear a lazy, ineffective authority figure (including parents) cry "bully" just to add weight to a complaint against a kid. It makes me so mad.
Don't let this happen to your daughter. If she's bullying - deal with it. If she's not, don't let them say she is.
Rant over. Sorry.
Sue
