Marnie, hugs.
I'm afraid my answer to your question, though, is...probably both. We too had an easy-going, happy-go-lucky, easily disciplined (basically didn't need any discipline beyond a disappointed look) first child. And then we had another one. Might not be exactly like yours, but this is our story:
During the toddler years (beginning, like a light switch, right around the third birthday), daily (or multiple-times-daily) tantrums with 45 minute time-outs were a regular part of our lives, for about 18 months. We did use time-outs, but they weren't exactly conventional ones (which would have been three minutes long, after all), but more like actual time-outs--a break in the action, to give time for calming down, and returning to a place where the child could exercise self-control, practice self-soothing strategies, and talk rationally about what happened before-during-after, cause-and-effect, and alternative behaviors for future situations. I spent countless hours sitting outside the door, repeatedly cueing for self-soothing and replacement behaviors (an illuminating exercise in patience, self-soothing, and self-control for myself!), until #2 calmed down enough to ask for support, at which point we sat in time-out together until emotional regulation and rationality returned enough to talk out the precipitating incident, alternative responses to it, and any consequences that now would ensue (mainly in the area of restitution and repair of relationships).
After a year and a half of this (and though we were by no means perfect at implementing it with fidelity every time, I think there was enough consistency and stubborn determination on our part as parents), the tantruming and emotional overflow underwent a noticeable decrease, most likely as a joint consequence of patiently training in self-regulation/self-soothing skills and natural development. We still had (and have!) an emotionally intense, passionate, physical child, but a measure of emotional regulation has developed, and continues to develop. Recently, this child mentioned positive memories of sitting in time-out together, being comforted, and coached through coping skills. And I've seen #2 practice them independently--actually more effectively than #1, who has needed them so rarely that they are not fluently accessible in those instances when they are called on.
BTW, for those moments when one feels like throwing them out the window, 1) take a time-out for yourself; it's highly unlikely that something truly bad will happen to him inside your house, if you lock yourself in the bathroom for ten minutes--it's probably more likely that you'll say something you regret, if you don't; 2) remember that this too shall pass...eventually. Someday you will be laughing like a hyena, or lifting a sardonic eyebrow, when he complains about his emotionally intense and exhausting toddler. (I know this to be true, based on my mother's response to two of her children's complaints about her grandchildren.) 3) this is why God makes toddlers so cute!
ETA: Oh, and yes, it does get better.
Last edited by aeh; 09/26/15 12:43 PM.
