Hi,

This is a long, long response. But I really want you to know: (a) I know how lonely, isolated you feel, (b) you aren't alone - the folks here are with you, and (c) folks not in our world do not know, do not care to know and likely couldn't understand what you are going through. Somebody said "alien" above. Exactly.

You and your DH and especially your DS may well be the subject of unfair judging and you must always keep (c) foremost in your mind. I latch on to it on a daily basis, and it helps me remember to give my DS7 the unconditional love he needs and deserves.

You will develop discipline and development strategies that are entirely unlike anything you read or are coached about by family and friends. That's OK. You are not raising a kid like those described by those books or experienced by most of those who will try to advise you. Discipline and development are just as important for your child as for every other child. But the nature of the discipline and development strategies that work for your DS will likely need to be quite outside the box. I smile and nod and thank people for their advice. I even consider it carefully. But I never, NEVER let it override what I know is best for my child. Even when it would be momentarily less embarrassing to give in and pretend I'm like they are, my child is like their's is. This is harder than it sounds.

One of us said above: "I have to admit we never had much luck with the social stuff at that age. After a few years things got easier because she could socialize with older kids more easily."

Starting at about your child's age, we gave up on playdates. DS is now 7, and we probably have had less than 20 play dates in his entire life. And they are never, ever part of a group. One-on-one only. And I still carefully supervise. When I was fretting about social skills, another wise parent of a PG kids told me, "If you put him in a situation where he is destined to fail - he'll learn social skills, but they won't be good ones. It's no more fair than putting a (neurotypical) toddler in a position where they have to read to be part of the fun. It's just not fair until he's emotionally, and developmentally ready." So we let DS interact with big kids and adults, and he is only now starting to really have some healthy friend relationships with kids in his class. I'm glad we waited.

For day-to-day fun in the 1.5-3.5 year time frame:

1. Lots of outside time is critical. And playing at the park on play structures didn't count for us. And doing organized sports or other activities CERTAINLY didn't count. DS needed unstructured outside time in a place as close to "wild" as possible. The coast. The woods. Unpaved trails, meadows, sand dunes and cliffs were what made him happy. Oh, and creeks. Good heavens, the time we spent with him wading in creeks. (And with other moms saying to their kids with pointed exasperation, "I know he is in the creek, but you are NOT going in there and getting all wet and dirty.")

2. Toys: almost as soon as he could talk, DS said "I don't really like toys." What he meant was he didn't like anything that directed his play. So - classic - his favorite toys were sticks, boxes, tape, string, puddles and the hose. Good lord the hose. We are in California so I worried drought-wise. But the hours that kid spent experimenting quietly, on his own (and doesn't that sound lovely to an exhausted mom), with water were amazing.

3. Books: When DS was little I remember reading a post by a mom who said her kids had read every book in the kid section of their library. "Bah - hyperbole," I thought. Not so much. We read and read and read and get enormous overdue fines because I can't keep track of all the books from various libraries. And from an early age, DS wanted to abandon "baby books" that didn't give him the information he really needed about minerals or cars or space or whatever. You are really never going to be able to have enough books. Along those lines - I highly recommend audio books. Even from 18 months, DS could listent for over an hour to an audio book.

I won't lie - the time from 1.5 years until 5.5 years was really, really hard, and getting harder all the time. At about 5.5 years we plateaued at "so hard and stressful I thought I couldn't handle it." But then, bit-by-bit, things have started better. Our chosen discipline strategy (explain the rule, natural consequences, try not to get too angry, try always to show understanding and love), is paying off.

Much of the understanding came from folks like you'll meet on this board. You have a hard, but unbelievably rewarding row to hoe. You can do it. We can help. It will be fun and exciting - you'll see. Just not a short term project!!

Warmly,
Sue