Hi! I'm new. I hesitated to post because my son is only 16 months old. We are, unfortunately, having some issues and after reading through many threads I know many of you dealt with similar things and probably have good advice. I have no one IRL that I can to since the other Moms look at me like I'm raising an alien. I don't know what the future holds for my son but I can't worry about that yet. I have to survive right now first.

We are a dual-PhD home and our son is the first and only child (and is making a good case for himself to stay that way). I am MG and my husband is PG so we are not shocked by his development.

Problem #1: My son talks. About 50% of his intelligible speech is in small phrases or sentences and the rest is single words. This is fantastic when he is interacting with an adult or older child but when he is in our play group (8 other kids all born about the same time he was) he tries to talk to the other toddlers. He will ask them for their toys by verbalizing and signing and of course they do not understand him. It goes something like this: Ball? Please? This ball please? Blue ball? Please? This! Thiiiiis! Waaaaaaaah!!!!! ~cue meltdown~

Should I be looking for 3 or 4 yo children for play dates? Physically he is like a normal 16 month old so he cannot keep up with the older kids. He is really frustrated. I don't know how to help him.

Problem #2: We are blowing through toys. Since he didn't walk until 14.5 months he had a lot of time to sit there and figure stuff out I guess. He was stacking towers of 12-15 blocks/other shapes at 12 months and he is now over that. Then he went to puzzles. He is over that. Then the shape sorting cubes and stacking toys came out, but he got that and he's done with that too. Now what? We read books all the time. That is his favorite thing to do. I have boxes upon boxes of books. He's even started "reading" them to himself. He turns the pages and says: What is that? Cow! Mooo! Moooo! It's like am irrelevant in the process now. Ha! Any toy suggestions?

Problem #3: Others Mommies give me death stares. I guess this is a me problem. I had no idea that other Moms would be so...ummm...competitive? I am not doing anything to my son to make him this way. I let him lead when he is playing and learning and I follow his lead. I don't brag about him and in fact I rarely say anything about him at all in an effort to avoid "the look." I find I frequently want to slink off in a corner when we are around other children his age. My son is super social and he always goes up to older children and adults.

I read about another Mom who said she did some thing where the ran through the house with her then toddler and did a rapid fire naming of objects. I laughed so hard. That's me and my son every morning. He wakes up, nurses, and then we start in the bedroom and he names everything on the way to the kitchen. At least I know I'm not alone!

Welcome!

A few ideas -

Kids may be involved in parallel play at this stage, not usually interacting with each other. Would it help for you to be actively involved by repeating your child's requests (so he knows he is heard and understood) and communicating to the other toddlers or their moms on his behalf, and facilitating the sharing of the toys? Or might the other moms/toddlers be interested in learning signing?

Do any of the same-age peers have older siblings who are 3-4 years old and familiar with younger kids (your son's age)?

It is not too early to begin looking for other outliers. Some ideas are:
- local independent gifted schools
- SENG: local SENG-model parent groups
- NAGC: local state affiliate
- Mensa: local chapters
- Local testers of the gifted (Hoagies list of testers may be a good starting point)

You may also wish to begin a portfolio for eventual application to the Davidson Young Scholars (DYS) program when your child turns 5.

Many parents purchase toys second-hand through consignment shops, garage sales, or thrift stores. If you do this, be sure to wash toys well, a mild bleach solution is often recommended. There are some toy rental services, one which was launched on the TV show Shark Tank has since filed for bankruptcy, presumably due to competition in the toy rental service niche.

If your child remains noticeably ahead of chronological age peers, this may exacerbate throughout the school years. You may wish to begin searching now for a school placement with gifted kids, or plan now for homeschooling. The Davidson Database has several excellent articles on school selection, including this article titled Finding a school that fits. Gifted Homeschoolers Forum (GHF) may be a good starting point for exploring homeschooling a precocious toddler. Some parents also enjoy the Mensa For Kids website.

As for toys: Many times a child will like a toy for a certain period, then tire of it, only to get another phase of enjoying that toy months later. So the blocks were fun, and probably will be fun again later, maybe in a more complex way or maybe not.

Things that do not get old are going outside to play, and sometimes arts and crafts. Go to the library and choose lots of books. ETA: Listen to music a lot, all kinds of music, and invest in good quality drums for kids or kid instruments that will last.

As for the other parents: It may help you to speak about your child's quirkiness because most kids are quirky and it brings common ground. Not what your child can do but what he is interested in. Tractors, cars, numbers, animals, a certain food. If you are genuinly interested in someone else's child, they are probably going to like you. Find out what the other kids are interested in and then you might find more common ground with them.

Playdates are never harmonious. Things always go wrong. Meltdowns are normal.

I think that most toddlers start speaking in phrases between 18-24 months, so the other kids may very well catch up soon in that regard. I don't think my DD spoke many intelligible words til 16 mo. and would have looked "slow" compared to your child, but when she was 2 she was suddenly very articulate with very long sentences and sounded like a much older child. There is such a wide range of development with kids that age and no way to predict what things will be like in even a few months.

We bought almost all our toys used from garage sales, thrift stores, etc....then the ones that were still in good condition I sold and got my money back. You just need to keep getting more difficult puzzles, shape sorters, etc. that are meant for older kids (just make sure they are not choking hazards). We had some toys that my kids outgrew before they even had a chance to play with them.

I don't remember getting death stares from anyone but I remember feeling that way because DS in particular had some delays and it was stressful seeing other kids so much more advanced. So that could be part of it. If the situation was reversed and your DS was the one who was behind you would probably start feeling a bit competitive as well. Everyone just wants their kid to be "normal" and meet the milestones and people don't necessarily know that your DS is advanced. I know that other moms probably looked at DS and felt smug about their own precocious children, but ironically DS is now almost 8 and academically at the top of the class and needs radical acceleration for math. So like I said, you can't look at these super tiny kids and conclude anything definite about their long-term abilities.

That's me! If you can believe it, that was our settling routine before bed and naps.

A few things we did:

- Expand our catchment area for naming. I'd put DS in a carrier and walk downtown with him for 1-2 hours in the morning, with a running commentary of our surroundings. It had the dual benefit of being excellent exercise for me! (Hooray for progressive overload!)

- Get a membership to a local museum and visit for 1-2 hours a few times a week, with running commentary. (I'm sure you're detecting a pattern.)

- Watch orchestral concerts online and try to re-create the melody or rhythm with little instruments

- Borrow about 100-150 books from the library each week. We literally would read for the full time between naps, such was DS' demand for new media. Our library allows us to make online reservations, so I reserve large sets of books en masse and am able to pick them up in a grocery cart from a dedicated shelf. This saves times and helps me make a wider variety of high quality selections. There are some book recommendations under the "Recommended Resources" section, and this thread that I started.

http://giftedissues.davidsongifted.org/BB/ubbthreads.php/topics/154238/Favourite_toddler_media.html

- DS liked the basic Starfall alphabet app around 12-14 months, and two little apps called "Bugs and Buttons" and "Bugs and Numbers". The touch interface is infant friendly and gives young children access to new material when they need it.

- I started writing the names of household objects on index cards and leaving them around the house. Then DS would toddle from word to word reading them.

- Around that age, we started doing more "experiments" with simple things like buoyancy, colour mixing, prisms, magnets, gravity, measuring (water and small, pourable objects like beans and marbles). It sounds silly, but he started to really enjoy Snap Circuits around ~18 months.

- DS likes collections, so we began accumulating little kits of collectable items: polished stones, coins, animal figurines, minerals, models of the planets, etc. There is a company that makes a product called "Toobs" that your son might enjoy investigating and collecting.

- DS is a truck aficionado, so we amassed a large collection of die-cast Siku trucks, which are priced ~$5 apiece. A set of toy tools from Black and Decker was a hit at Christmas the year he turned 1.

- Time in nature is something DS has always appreciated. A simple ramble through a garden can yield a lot of opportunities for discovery: entomology, botany, the water cycle, weather, ecosystems, food chains, etc. Don't feel you can't delve into these topics, because your son will understand them and soak up the knowledge. (A great series of non-fiction books that DS enjoyed at that age was the Let's-Read-and-Find-Out level 1 books.)

- Around that age was when DS started to like spelling. We have a little set of magnetic letters that I organized in alphabetic order in a tackle box. I'd give him a few letters at a time, and we'd arrange the letters to make real and nonsense words.

Hope this gives you some food for thought! Fire away with any questions. It's an exciting and exhausting time, but you won't regret investing some extra time up front planning some activities.

Welcome to the forum! You've found your tribe!

Welcome!
I am very sorry to say that you will just have to suck it up for the next two years or so, until this will slowly get better. Yes, other kids will start speaking rather well by the time they are two, but only a very few and they will turn out to be gifted, too. Only by three years and up will those very noticeable differences in language output slowly subside. Then of course, your kid may have started reading, but at least it is possible to keep that under the radar. If your kid turns out to be pg, it is highly likely he will continue to stick out in some way for a very long time, and it depends on his social skills and his conflicting needs for integration versus authenticity how well he will blend in at some point.
Have to go and put kids to bed, will be back later with hopefully more hopeful and helpful stuff!

I would echo blackcat in noting that there is a very wide range of normal, both in the sense of broad population norms, and even among the GT population. My PG sib did not speak at all until age two, but then in full sentences (followed within weeks by spontaneously learning to read). One of my children has a same-age friend who began speaking at seven months, who experienced many of the same frustrations as your little one, but isn't currently necessarily performing as far ahead academically as some other later-developing talkers. (And there's nothing wrong with that, btw.)

Others will catch up in language over the next six months, at least in the sense of gaining verbal communication skills. (Perhaps not so much in actual vocabulary, though that may occur, as well.) This may ease some of the tensions.

One of the challenges, I think, is that there is a tendency for new parents to congregate in highly age-homogeneous groups (age of child, that is), with little perspective about the bigger picture of child development. When no one has any idea of what "normal" looks like, other than their N=1, and everyone is feeling the typical insecurity of the new parent, any (even slight) outlier touches a tender spot, which can result in disproportionate responses to natural variation.

For play dates, I think small mixed age groups would be my preference, where he can have interactions with developmental peers in various domains, though not all domains will match in the same individuals. Older siblings of age-peers are an excellent idea, especially as they are often more patient with toddlers than preschoolers who don't spend much time with younger children are (at least they are with toddlers who are not their siblings!). Especially if it's a play date with the age-peer and their older sibling together, which is a more natural grouping (i.e., less conspicuous), and more practical for the accompanying parent, anyway.

Don't forget to maintain your adult friendships that are not centered around having same-age children. That can be very important to your own mental health. (Which is the single best predictor of psychological health in children, after all.)

First of all, welcome and know that you certainly aren't alone!

Our DD (that's dear daughter) didn't have many playmates when she was very small for exactly that reason. You might try casting your net wider in the hopes of finding a better match. The more toddlers you meet the more likely you'll find another one with a similar developmental level. You might also look for social opportunities that are more likely to attract gifted people. Local Mensa meetups, maker spaces, chess clubs. They may not be kid specific, but if people there have kids they are more likely to be similar... Finally, maybe older kids who are generally calm (more interested in playing lets pretend than run and jump) may work. But it could also be that those older kids would be just as uncomfortable because they sense his difference.

I have to admit we never had much luck with the social stuff at that age. After a few years things got easier because she could socialize with older kids more easily.

We also had difficulty with toys. There was frequently a mismatch between what her brain wanted and what her motor skills could handle. One thing we did was kitchen experiments (the more tolerance for mess the better). Art was a great outlet. She had a light bright (she was smart enough not to eat the pegs). At a certain point you have to ignore the suggested age ranges and just experiment.

As she got a bit older we did models. She was particularly fascinated by the visible woman anatomical model when she was about two. Of course we had to hep her A TON but it was still fun.

As for other parents, you just have to let go of the need for their approval or respect. If they give you dirty looks, just give them a deadpan stare back and say "Is there something I can help you with?" If they make rude comments, just laugh and ignore them. And if they ask any of those annoying questions (like "so do you spend a lot of time pushing him to read?") just respond deadpan with "Why do you ask?"

Finally, I agree with indigo that you should start the process of thinking about education now... I know that sounds crazy, but it is the number one issue that parents of high LOG kids face.

So welcome again and hang in there.

We had no experience with parents of age peers at 16mos, because we never even entertained the idea of play dates until our DD was nearly 3. Particularly since your DS is so far advanced, I wouldn't even bother seeking these. As he gets older, some of the differences will be less obvious. Also, his age peers simply aren't ready on a social level. As long as you and your family and friends continue to play and interact with him, his social needs will be met.

As for toys, the ones you described all sound like they're of the early discovery/learning variety, which is great, but there are other types of toys, too, and some of them never get boring. Balls, for one. When my DD was 16mos, she had one of those inflatable ball pens you can fill with little plastic balls and swim around in. Mostly, we used to enjoy throwing them at each other. Fast forward 8 years, we still have some of them around, and we still have ball fights. They also see the business ends of plastic bats and hockey sticks. A number of other balls of various shapes and purposes have joined in the mix. Not only is this kind of play fun, but it's also great for gross motor development.

And there are the toys for imaginative play... trucks, trains, dolls/action figures, etc. Those tend to have a long shelf life, as long as they can find someone to play with.

Our household is much like yours. Well-- was, anyway-- fifteen years ago. Our child is in college now, but she's still an only, and her demands upon us as parents are a part of the reason why. That's not a negative thing, btw-- it's just a thing. She is a lovely person, and we have enjoyed parenting her. Mostly. It's been a continuous set of challenges, however, and mostly without good quality data to guide decision-making. I warn you because that drove my spouse and I both a little crazy-- we're STEM people, and highly data-driven, both of us. Parenting an outlier was a personal development project like no other.

You are effectively raising an alien. Part of your job is to raise the child that you have in the moment-- and part of it is to raise a child who can function in a world which is inherently alien in that it isn't run for people like him (or your spouse, it sounds).

Your son has an advantage in that he has parents who 'get' what this experience is like. It has been helpful to our DD for DH and I to share some of our experiences growing up gifted. That makes her feel less alone.


No-- but MIXED age groups and small doses may be key for a few years. My DD usually did well in mixed-age arts-oriented classes for preschoolers when she was the youngest by 1y or so. That way she could gravitate to the proper level of interaction fluidly, depending upon skills and demand of the activity at hand.

Mostly, just know that this is a work in progress, and much will change as your child's asynchronous pattern emerges. At your son's age, we were only just starting to realize HOW different our DD was from other children. In about four more months, we had a clue (looking back) that she was probably PG in at least one domain (social). She just noticed everything-- even adult emotions and feelings and complicated, non-concrete thinking/planning/anxiety in others.

Introducing another language might be a fun idea, and keep him able to meet agemates for a bit longer, until he develops his own regulatory skills for social interactions. Well, they'll get better with time, anyway.


I wouldn't assume it was late walking. {sigh} DD walked pretty young, and she did this, too. She simply didn't have INTEREST in those 'developmental' toys, that I can recall. Not ever. It wasn't until she was around 5yo that it finally occurred to me that the reason she didn't care about those things was that they weren't in her proximal zone of development. Looking back in her infancy, she was very clearly trapped by her slowest developmental arc-- the physical one. So by the time she could (functionally) use a shape sorter, there wasn't any point since she already had the cognitive skills to make it ridiculous. She often gave us those looks-- "why are you doing this?? What the heck do you expect me to do with THAT, anyway?" It wasn't until I realized, as I was trying to homeschool using Cuisinaire rods and unit manipulatives, that it was something she could have used earlier in her cognitive developmental arc. She was past it, so it was merely annoying. Like someone coming along and putting training wheels on your new mountain bike before a technically demanding trail ride.

Look for toys with the WIDEST possible age ranges that you can find. DD didn't really mouth objects past ~1y, so in retrospect, we'd have been fine with Playmobil, Snap circuits (though she wouldn't have had the hand strength), small electronics, etc. She did have a small portable keyboard. She liked that a lot.

She was another collector. She loved the beach, where she'd collect rocks, shell fragments, etc. that interested her.

Art supplies-- the more the better. DD had free access to markers, crayons, paper, and little-kid scissors from under 2yo. We added to that stash of materials as she got older, eventually adding glue, glue sticks, stickers, watercolor paints, and collage materials.


Honestly, the best thing that ever happened to the three of us was when we finally relented and taught DD to read at nearly 5yo. She didn't learn decoding skills on her own (long, long story-- she was showing some readiness even by your DS' age)-- and I have ZERO problem teaching a toddler/preschooler like this to decode and read for themselves. It's the only way to keep their brains fed.

And I'll reiterate that the 100-150 library items estimate is no joke. We did that, too. Until DD was about 10yo, we usually had a running total of 125 items out in any given week. Not kidding. I had a special box for DD to put them in, and to keep track of them, I had rules about where library books/items could be used (never outside the house, except for occasional in the car use, and never into bedrooms, only the public downstairs areas). We never lost one, I'm amazed to say.


Oh yeah. I'm familiar-- only my child was the one being mobbed by the other kids, and trying to get away from them, looking at me (and sometimes, um-- saying to me, too) as though to say "HELP!! They. are. like. WILD. ANIMALS. Get me out of here!" Needless to say, most other parents didn't appreciate this articulate and mature assessment of their little darlings' company manners. Even if they WERE trying to bite her, shoving her out of their way, grunting in response to her well-stated wishes re: her autonomy, or wiping their noses (or worse) on her clothing. She went through a series of phases from 18mo to about 6-7yo where she found most agemates mildly to moderately devoid of her notions of civilized conduct, and dishearteningly irrational and unpredictable. They frightened her. Now, some of that was that when those children had food in hand, that irrationality and lack of boundaries really was scary-- because she had several life-threatening food allergies. But some of it was her being PG and fastidious by nature.

Then again, she is also an introvert, and it was obvious that this was so even at that age.


Nope, you are definitely not alone. A very warm welcome to you, NowWhat.

So, with DS2 snuggling on me and hopefully falling asleep soon, I'll try to be a bit more helpful.
Your DS is experiencing both outer and inner asynchrony - outer asynchrony because his verbal development is completely out of synch with his peers, and no amount of translating or encouragement of sign language with other toddlers will help remedy that. By the time a typically developing toddler will have learnt a few signs, your DS will have moved way beyond that again. So, play dates and play groups with age peers that make you feel uncomfortable and feeling judged will just have to go. Prepare to lose friends over that (were they real friends int the first place?). Neither you nor he are benefitting any - if you just need to leave the house, libraries, museums, shopping malls, bookstores, parks, swimming pools etc are much better bets. You have had good advice from others already on stuff to do.
But you are probably still looking for a connection with other moms, and want to find playmates for him. That is where inner asynchrony comes into play - he may speak like a three year old, may want to play with much older kids, but isn't developmentally ready for it, because he has the impulse control, frustration tolerance and play skills of a much younger toddler - even though he may want to play cooperatively, he may be unable to, because he may not be able to let go, share and take turns the way three year olds are beginning to.
So, what to do? For both your sakes, you will have to look for others families among your and your husbands friends. As odd as it may feel to think "my kids get to play only with other kids whose parents have PhDs", it may be a necessary selection criterion - well, never having finished my own PhD, at least being able to (and have pleasure in doing so) interact with gifted adults (the real you, not the mask you are wearing for parental activities). If they genuinely like hanging with the two of you, they and their kids will not be fazed by yours.
Because of inner asynchrony, even gifted toddlers may not be able to interact well with each other until they are bit older, so the perfect playmate would be a very verbal gifted girl of about four who would love to have a little brother to baby and boss around. DS8, who is HG+ and very asynchronous! never played well with others until he was five! even kids who should have been a "good fit". Dd4, possibly less gifted, but certainly less asynchronous and "pointy", and, of course, a girl, did great at just two with another little girl who is very verbally gifted and simply happens to be the daughter of an old friend of my husband. They're still BFFs. Dumb luck.
So, keep looking, it's not impossible but you do need to work on finding playmates and you need a bit of luck - hope fully you live in a college town or city so you have a good chance of striking gold at some point. But do not put much hope or energy in those typical toddler groups.

As for toys: start ignoring age designations right away. Some toy stores, indoor playgrounds and libraries (and of course families with older kids) have playrooms with preschooler toys you can try out - duplos, playmobil, schleich animals, magnetic blocks, brio trains...find out what he likes and try to buy that second hand. Forget the choking hazard thing - if he had older siblings,he'd be exposed to all of it anyway,and he's never alone at his age, so you can supervise.
Nice story for. Asynchrony: DS8, then two,was racing through a puzzle for four year olds, picks up a piece, looks at me, grins and bites off a piece of the piece. Guess that was a choking hazard. But there was no way I could have kelt him occupied with one of those big wooden toddler puzzles. It helps to let go of expectations yourself, and grow a thick skin against the expectations of others.

It doesn't slow down much with age, I agree. At 3, books are a wonderful tool for easing transitions. If I am honest, I'd characterize them as our domestic currency. DS will negotiate anywhere from 5 to 10 books at each of these times: waking in the morning, eating brunch, settling for nap, dinner, and settling for bed. (I love snuggling and reading, so there are no complaints from me!) We have a personal collection of about 400-500 books for DS (this is where our discretionary spending money that used to go to my wardrobe goes), so that gives us some variety. Wherever we go, I ensure we have a half dozen new library books to read.

As an anecdote, I remember visiting my in-laws for Thanksgiving the year DS turned 2. We were staying overnight and I packed a backpack with all of our clothes and filled a wheeled suitcase with 40lbs of books. MIL looked at it like I was crazy, but conceded the next day that DS had obviously needed the books, because that was the way he asked to spend all his time.

As for play dates, I haven't bothered much until now, mostly because I despise the topics of conversation at most of those groups. Children learn prosocial skills from adults, and DS has two engaged playmates in DH and me. DS has one good friend, an age peer boy who is likely gifted, and we have a standing weekly play date for him. I'm creating a mixed age play group at our church in the hope of gaining DS access to some of the age peers' older siblings. Save your effort for now, I say.

Things do get easier eventually although I wouldn't say problems go completely away as they age. We recently donated boxes of toys to a preschool and they were much appreciated. If I were to do it all over again, I'd stick even closer to open-ended toys. She's still using her rainbow silk scarves. Some of the nerdy toys like unit cubes can be great for imaginative plays too.

I stopped discussing DD's development with other parents after 12 months. During the first year, we talked about weight, height, and basic gross motor skills but when the topics moved to cognitive and speech language milestones, it became very uncomfortable. Oh, yes, she can account but isn't that normal? No?

The best socialization for DD has been with a teenage girl we all adore. She's leaving for college this fall and DD and I are already depressed over losing her.

DD is 4.5 now and she is finally gaining some level of acceptance with her preferred plate mates - boys age 7 to 9. SO is not happy about this trend at all and neither am I actually but she says they play the way she likes with LEGO and video games. She thinks girls (and boys) around her age are too different from her although she has one age-mate girlfriend she asks to play with all the time.

It's been a long journey for us and we are still taking it day by day.

Hi,

This is a long, long response. But I really want you to know: (a) I know how lonely, isolated you feel, (b) you aren't alone - the folks here are with you, and (c) folks not in our world do not know, do not care to know and likely couldn't understand what you are going through. Somebody said "alien" above. Exactly.

You and your DH and especially your DS may well be the subject of unfair judging and you must always keep (c) foremost in your mind. I latch on to it on a daily basis, and it helps me remember to give my DS7 the unconditional love he needs and deserves.

You will develop discipline and development strategies that are entirely unlike anything you read or are coached about by family and friends. That's OK. You are not raising a kid like those described by those books or experienced by most of those who will try to advise you. Discipline and development are just as important for your child as for every other child. But the nature of the discipline and development strategies that work for your DS will likely need to be quite outside the box. I smile and nod and thank people for their advice. I even consider it carefully. But I never, NEVER let it override what I know is best for my child. Even when it would be momentarily less embarrassing to give in and pretend I'm like they are, my child is like their's is. This is harder than it sounds.

One of us said above: "I have to admit we never had much luck with the social stuff at that age. After a few years things got easier because she could socialize with older kids more easily."

Starting at about your child's age, we gave up on playdates. DS is now 7, and we probably have had less than 20 play dates in his entire life. And they are never, ever part of a group. One-on-one only. And I still carefully supervise. When I was fretting about social skills, another wise parent of a PG kids told me, "If you put him in a situation where he is destined to fail - he'll learn social skills, but they won't be good ones. It's no more fair than putting a (neurotypical) toddler in a position where they have to read to be part of the fun. It's just not fair until he's emotionally, and developmentally ready." So we let DS interact with big kids and adults, and he is only now starting to really have some healthy friend relationships with kids in his class. I'm glad we waited.

For day-to-day fun in the 1.5-3.5 year time frame:

1. Lots of outside time is critical. And playing at the park on play structures didn't count for us. And doing organized sports or other activities CERTAINLY didn't count. DS needed unstructured outside time in a place as close to "wild" as possible. The coast. The woods. Unpaved trails, meadows, sand dunes and cliffs were what made him happy. Oh, and creeks. Good heavens, the time we spent with him wading in creeks. (And with other moms saying to their kids with pointed exasperation, "I know he is in the creek, but you are NOT going in there and getting all wet and dirty.")

2. Toys: almost as soon as he could talk, DS said "I don't really like toys." What he meant was he didn't like anything that directed his play. So - classic - his favorite toys were sticks, boxes, tape, string, puddles and the hose. Good lord the hose. We are in California so I worried drought-wise. But the hours that kid spent experimenting quietly, on his own (and doesn't that sound lovely to an exhausted mom), with water were amazing.

3. Books: When DS was little I remember reading a post by a mom who said her kids had read every book in the kid section of their library. "Bah - hyperbole," I thought. Not so much. We read and read and read and get enormous overdue fines because I can't keep track of all the books from various libraries. And from an early age, DS wanted to abandon "baby books" that didn't give him the information he really needed about minerals or cars or space or whatever. You are really never going to be able to have enough books. Along those lines - I highly recommend audio books. Even from 18 months, DS could listent for over an hour to an audio book.

I won't lie - the time from 1.5 years until 5.5 years was really, really hard, and getting harder all the time. At about 5.5 years we plateaued at "so hard and stressful I thought I couldn't handle it." But then, bit-by-bit, things have started better. Our chosen discipline strategy (explain the rule, natural consequences, try not to get too angry, try always to show understanding and love), is paying off.

Much of the understanding came from folks like you'll meet on this board. You have a hard, but unbelievably rewarding row to hoe. You can do it. We can help. It will be fun and exciting - you'll see. Just not a short term project!!

Warmly,
Sue

Puppets....I had a whole huge box of puppets. Some plush expensive ones and dozens from oriental trading company. We loved using them with books or telling our own stories. Or just making the animal noises for the animals.

And my boys both loved a dress up box. My ten year old still has one (he loves drama).

My 15yo still has a dress-up box. She was another puppet fan.

An oops.

I wanted to thank you all for your replies. Now I feel crazy because I'm all teary eyed after reading through everything. I'm really not alone! I hope this comes across in the way I intend, emotions are so difficult to convey on a message board. I'm scared that my son will be more like my husband than me. I know he is still very young and I shouldn't worry so much but 1) I'm Mom so it's my job to worry and, 2) I know how hard it is for my husband. I have much empathy for those of you raising PG children. There are times my husband forgets to reign himself in and he lets all his intellect hang out and I'm standing there slack jawed. The man decided to take up French last year and was fluent and reading academic articles within 6 months. My brain can't even comprehend how he does it. We are teaching our son both French and sign language so I'm all ears to any resources for French learning. I have been using the Little Pim French series because my son holds up the Kindle and demands to see the Panda.

I find myself going to play dates because we moved to a new state and started new non-academic jobs a few weeks before my son was born. Why? My husband did not pass his tenure review. Why? Because he has perfectionism paralysis! The man can write for a month and only produce two sentences that he deems worthy to see the light of day. I'm sure you all know exactly what I'm talking about.

I now live in the middle of a corn field with little access to people typical of our previous social circle. I also work from home now which severely limits my ability to meet people in general. My husband is as social as Grumpy Cat and has not made much progress in the way of making friends for us.

So much of what you all said makes me feel my son is "normal." Sometimes I read books with him for 4+ hours a day! There are piles upon piles of book in every room. I went to the local library book sale and bought two wagons worth about 6 months ago. I was embarrassed to admit how much my son and I read together though I don't know why. It sounds like most of you have dealt with this same issue. My son will sit down and we will read 30-40 books at one time. I've never seen anything like it. He prefers to point out and name all the pictures rather than listen to a story so that's what we do. Who am I to say how to read a book? Ha!

Water is also a big entertainment activity. I take him to a local children's museum with a big water table. Sometimes he plays at the water table for an hour or more. Kids come and kids go and my little guy remains focused on the task at hand. The employees often comment on his remarkable attention span.

Our best play dates (because if I stop having play dates that will mean I never interact with another grown up other than my husband!) are with a woman who has a 4 yo girl and 1 yo girl. The 4 yo is reading chapter books so she doesn't give me weird looks. I will pursue this further. My son loves the older girl and she likes to baby him and they play chase. The other ladies in the play group were not really my friends anyway. I met them because we live in the same neighborhood and our children were all born within two weeks of each other. I didn't know what my son would be like back then but he was definitely different from the other babies from the beginning. I figured he would be smart but I never really thought about what that looked like in reality. My sitter has been telling me his entire life that she has never had another baby like him but I thought she was joking or trying to make me feel good as a new parent.

I know even as his peers catch up in verbal ability my son's vocabulary will be so far beyond their comprehension, at least for a while. I honestly have no idea how many words he can say because he adds so many new ones every day. This morning he identified a thermometer. What the heck? How did he know that?

I will try to get some more puppets and see how that goes. My son already knows that the puppet isn't real if that makes sense. He knows it's me or my husband putting our hand in there making it talk and move. I know he likes magnets too. I hadn't considered it before but he already knows all his body parts so I should get some body books. I mean, why would it occur to me to get body books for a 16 month old? Ha! He also loves owls. He knows every book that has an owl in it and every page on which he can find an owl. I had not considered a trip to the bird sanctuary but it sounds like I need to do that.

I will take this one day at a time. It may be that my son is ahead right now and his peers will catch up with him and that's ok. I will be perfectly fine with that as long as he is happy. For now I will have to think a bit outside the box and do some things I was not expecting to do.

Part of me wants to word vomit all the stuff that freaks me out about my son just to make sure someone else has been through it and come out on the other side. I never thought he would be doing these things so young.

Unless there is a physical reason not to have another child as soon as possible. Yes these are very demanding kids but them having to wait and share and later having someone to play with is worth it. Help him learn new ways to play with his old toys and rotate toys.

My DS from birth had an intense need to be in busy places with other kids. Fortunately, our neighbourhood is awash with PhDs, so he didn't stand out, well, quite so much. If your DS - and you! - need to get out there with other people as we did, here's some thoughts to find places with fewer evil glares:

* Avoid activities/ places mostly frequented by first-time moms
* Find open-ended, mixed-age activities (including playgrounds) where people are likely to bring their multiple kids: more experienced, less insecure parents, plus your DS can gravitate to whoever he wants to play with
* Find activities/ places more likely to be frequented by those "PhD types" mentioned above - playgroups or programs at or near a university or museum, for example

And, alas, grow some rather thick skin. As has been noted, you may find your parenting judged. A lot. But here, be welcome!

P.S. With respect to toys, good building toys last forever if you have that kind of kid. There's "little kid" as well as regular versions of Lego/ Duplo, Meccano, tinker toys and K'Nex, as well as Strawz, Zoob, K'Nex and Magformers. Our local consignment shop and garage sales were life savers. A teacher supply store can sometimes get you the much larger sets at less painful prices. Oh, and toy kitchens and train sets also have amazing longevity for many kids.

ETA: Just saw Portia's post, so many memories! Everything she said, but especially WATER. Thousands of hours. Every conceivable form of container and combination to create layers and moving parts and mixing and pouring, oh the pouring! My kitchen cabinetry never recovered, but for my kids it was bliss.

Oh gears gears gears! Very loud but loved the creativity with them...you could help him at first. Years and years of play with them.

Second from me about getting good quality instruments we had one Congo and one bongo set that weren't toy quality but better. I think from West music (or something like that). Then other rhythm stuff.

Pattern blocks were a hit here too...still have them and once in a while the 10 year old will play with them.


Sidewalk chalk.

So I haven't read all the responses but I can tell you I Relate! My son is now 9...but he went from sitting to walking by 9 months and was on solid foods by 1 and yes I know that's frowned upon. But...there are 2 things in my house that kept him engaged for days! Logos and cardboard boxes. At 2 we could tell him to build a ship and he's building huge battleships. He made robots out of the cardboard boxes. Anything to engage his mind safely we bought it but he always preferred boxes and logos.

The other thing I found was that I had to learn to "hide" his intellect from others. I mention that he would have meltdowns in prek because they wanted him to lay down and nap and hadn't napped since 14 months...all of a sudden and relative or friend who had a bratty kid was certain their kid toowas gifted. When it turned out their kid wwasn't gifted they really were just a brat I somehow became the bad guy. If I mentioned Kaden was having trouble in school all of a sudden I was a bad parent for buying his way into gifted classes when he clearly wasn't because gifted kids get straight a's. So...although I'm sure I'll be frowned upon I am selective over who I share my kids stuff with.

Just know you aren't alone. And some kids don't need actual play dates maybe science visits and zoo trips and getting a dog will suffice.

I hope you find what works best for your child. It took my son until the third grade before a single friend from school showed up to his birthday party :-( its sad...but its temporary.

One of my many attempts to reply. Ignore this. I finally got it to work.

I'd echo everyone else here. That's a rough but wonderful age. The sooner you accept that your child is different and embrace parenting the individual child you have, the happier you all will be. It really is just making peace with the idea that you will be judged no matter what you do, so know that you are doing the best job that you can and that your child is lucky to have you.

At this point, your child is likely somewhere near 99th percentile for milestones. If he were an adult in the 99th percentile for height, finding clothes that fit would be a challenge, toilets too low, beds too short, etc. The world just wouldn't quite feel like a good fit. If your child mentally continues on this trajectory, he is going to need help feeling comfortable with who he is and like he fits. Having you and your SO for support will go a long way toward not feeling so alien.

You will make mistakes, but it is okay. Your child actually needs to see you make mistakes and learn from them. You will be amazed how much your child absorbs from being around you, not only the positives like reading, but also any issues or insecurities you might have... Consider distancing yourself from people (including peer moms) who are truly not positive experiences for your child.

As for toys, my son literally loved to play with trash - cardboard boxes, empty pasta boxes, paper towel rolls, water bottles... Amazing villages were built, imaginary planes were flown... Also balls, wooden trains, hot wheels cars, the magnadoodle, a magnifying glass...

As your child develops, pay attention to what drives him... I read an article that said over 80% of kids are driven by appreciation for praise and feeling accepted by authority figures and peers, with a very small minority driven by the need for independence, autonomy, self-fulfillment... This small minority could not care less if they are rewarded with certificates, sticker charts, teacher praise... The signs that my son fell in that second category were very apparent from the time he was tiny, ie absolutely no interest in a stroller, refused to hold hands as an early walker, etc even though he was super cuddly. If I had understood this earlier, this would have saved some heartache. (On the bright side, at 4 he is really independent and can be trusted to load/unload dishwasher and do the laundry, although I still stand by to supervise.)

If you have a kid like this, only sign up for group classes that let you try them first and don't be afraid to bail. I committed to too many group classes thinking that since my child had gotten a bit older, it would be different... nope. My son still reacts with disdain if he thinks someone is trying to get him to perform. This is the child who could do a perfect standing flip into a foam pit at age 2 for fun after observing older kids do them for 5 minutes, but fully refuse to walk a line on the floor as a pretend balance beam for a potential gymnastics teacher...

This one is hard for me to remember sometimes... Your child may seem much older for most of the time, but may on occasion act his age, or have an emotional outburst like a younger child. My son who is 4, sometimes acts like he is 10, sometimes like he is 6, sometimes like he is 4, and every once and a while acts like he is 2. It is okay. The maturity will come and skills will develop unevenly, often in bursts.

As I said, my son is only 4. He is an extreme extrovert and always has been. He has always tried to engage other kids and adults, but up until about 6 months ago, his dad and I were his favorite playmates. We didn't do anything wrong, he just prefers his friends now. He makes friends really easily now, in terms of friends just to play with, but hasn't found many real peers. There is 1, who I think must be PG. She is one in a million and the two of them play amazingly well together with birthdays less than a month apart. The depth of their imaginative play and vocabularies (& sheer speed of their discussions) are unbelievable. If you find a peer like this who also is a good social match, do whatever it takes to nurture a healthy friendship. Unfortunately her family travels often so we don't see them much. His other friends he enjoys are age 6 and up.

The biggest difference between me now and me when my son was your child's age is that I have come to accept that I have no idea what I'm doing and I no longer worry what others think. I am much more protective of my son and have a lot less faith in institutions and experts responsible for kids. It isn't that anyone else is out to get my son, it's that within their realm of experience, they don't really get that he can exist as a self-driven unique little person. At worst, they see his drive/milestones as a trigger of their own insecurities. I try to take it one stage at a time, doing my best to make informed decisions that are right for our family. (No one else knows what they''re doing when it comes to parenting either and our parents were just as lost when they had us...). The fact that you are worrying about this means that your child is in good hands.

Exercise and museums are lifesavers!

If you and your SO feel your family is complete, it is. You aren't depriving your child if they don't have siblings.

You have definitely found your tribe. This is a place where people truly are supportive and understand what you are going through. Welcome!

First of all, welcome! I adore this thread. My husband and I have been discussing recently how much easier all this is the second and third time around. Our eldest (6.5) is PG and while he wasn't talking at 16 months, he was EXTREMELY demanding in every aspect of his little life. We, too, would bring a laundry basket to the library and fill it with 100 books (our library's limit) and - at 6.5, 5, and 3 my kids are now taking out about 200 books each week (that's all I can carry!). It does get easier but it has yet to be "easy" for us

About the friends- just stay true to yourself and you will soon see who the true friends are. When we had our son tested and pulled him to homeschool after K last year, I expected a backlash. Instead, I was surprised by how many of my friends were not surprised by any of it. So many people said, "Well I could have told you that when he was one!" Best of luck on this wild ride!

When my son was skipped he was in third grade one day and the next day he was moved to fourth (about a month into school). When he arrived at school the day he was moving to fourth he walked up to one of his classmates in front of the school (I was there because I had to see the guidance counselor) and told him the news and the kid said (with big eyes) Wow! That will be great for you!

So parents know and I believe that the other kids know too. Luckily we have a very accepting and nurturing school culture (as much as you can have in this current test them to death era).

Not quite the only way, but the alternative involves a lot of self-sacrifice! DD6 is still not reading fluently, so I read aloud to her, oh, probably 2 hours a day. We're ripping through chapter books right now, and in earlier years it was the 100+ picture books a week others have mentioned. (She was never a kid to want Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooey six million times, which was both a blessing and a curse.)

This kid is shameless in her piggery for being read to. We walk in the door after an exciting activity, and the first words out of her mouth are "Read to me, I'm bored." Fortunately, I enjoy high-quality kids books myself.

(Update: just before I was going to hit "Submit," she stumbled out of the bedroom shielding her eyes from the morning light with the CHAPTER BOOK SHE WANTS ME TO KEEP READING TO HER.)

Over the next few years, keep an eye out for what kind of play your kid likes. A couple of important things I've learned about my own kid:

1) She loves rough-and-tumble play, which enables her to engage with kids (especially boys) who are her age or even younger, so that has become a thing I help her to find. (She also adores kids who are older than her, so mixed-age activities are a big win for us.)

2) She doesn't do imaginative play with objects, which has resulted in some wasted toy money. For a while I worried that she didn't do imaginative play at all, until I realized that she does whole body play, with herself as a character in the game. As a result, I'm channeling her into theater, which she is loving. She also has developed a love of board games.

We're also fortunate enough to live in a town with a "toy library," so I've been able to try out a lot of different things at little cost. Borrow or buy used as much as you can, until you figure out what types of toys or games work for your kid.

Do you live in an area with a lot of colleges? If so, I suspect there are some other kids like your son in your area. Quite by chance, my kids attended a day care that was originally for children of local college professors/employees. While it is not exclusively for the college folks anymore, there are still plenty of them there. Eldest was in a preschool class of 6 kids, and at least 2 were as bright or brighter than her.

While my kids are not PG, and your son's skills are clearly way ahead of the curve (and very likely indicate a gifted kid), I am truly confused by the "Mommy death stares". I read about those on here, but I never got a "death stare" when my eldest was making Duplo towers at 12 months or middle kid was saying, "Clue!", while watching Blue's Clues at 6 months. (Okay, maybe a death stare because I let them watch so much TV.)

Kids at this age don't really play with each other, so it is okay to skimp on the play dates. My kids have not had many play dates. My older two hang out with friends (here, if the house is sort of clean) or elsewhere, but they are at an age where they can arrange (and get there) on their own. My little one keeps asking for more play dates, and while we have done a handful, organized activities are great for socializing. She is camping with the Girl Scouts right now. While he is a little young for stuff like that right now, keep scouts and organized sports in mind. My older two (19 and 17) still play team sports, and while my youngest (10) is not into the team thing, she likes rock climbing and kayaking.

Get some Duplos - my kids liked these at your son's age. Eldest would sort by size and color and then build towers when she was that age. Don't take this as a sign that he is a future engineer - my eldest is clearly a humanities kid. When he is old enough to handle Legos, get some of these. While we have some sets, I purchased a few bulk lots of random used Legos. My kids build all sorts of stuff with their 40lbs of random Legos.

Just go with the flow - let your kiddo explore a lot of things even if you aren't really into all of them. Ours have explored various academic stuff, plenty of sports (we like these), music, theater(ugh, not my favorite but DH has a theater minor), etc.

I have found that I get all worked up about the issue of the moment, then find later that it wasn't worth getting so worked up about. Sometimes these issues are academic, sometimes they are something else, but in the end, the issue wasn't going to cause long term damage to the kiddos. Good luck - try to relax and enjoy your son.

This is such a valuable thread. Do you suppose the moderators could pin it under the heading "support and advice for the very young gifted child"? I know I'd have loved to have had all this information when DD was tiny.

It almost hurts to listen to your story because I remember how scared I was when my son was 16 months old. Talking and obsessed with the alphabet. One time when he was 16 months old, we were at the store and my husband saw someone he knew. She walked up and he said, "Mommy same shoes" and I looked down and I did have a pair of those shoes. I wanted to just be shocked and squeeze my husband to say, "Did you hear that?!" but I just continued with the conversation.

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself: keep a journal, hang on tight, find atleast one human friend to talk to about this, frequent these forums, and let him go to the places he wants to go, whether it's Elmo or geography.

The parents on here have given me so much support.
People will always think you "made" him that way, forever. Our DS is now almost 4 and I am finally not allowing those judgements to bother me.
I know exactly what you mean by recalculating having more children. We chose and were fortunate to have our boys 25 months apart and I wouldn't change it for anything. Our almost 2 year old is obsessed with clocks and shapes and it makes me wonder. I have no idea if knowing shapes is normal at this age. I still don't have a feel for what typical milestones are.

Agreed. Especially since wiggle room is given for exceptions: Unfortunately, some gifted kids are so turned off from formal education that they do not pursue higher degrees. Others may find engaging employment and defer the completion of degrees.

While seeking intellectual peers is paramount, some may say it is important not to limit one's self in ways which may create an elitist "filter bubble" or indicate narcissism or send a message that our gifted kids are trophy children.

This age can be tricky if you have a very verbal child. DD was light years ahead of her peers with language from about ages 1-3, and it did feel isolating. The only comparable "I feel self-conscious about this gap" thing in our lives has been DS's very early reading.

It will get easier for your child to blend in, probably around 2.5 or 3. Of course, that doesn't mean they've all leveled out. JUst, it will be easier.

BTW, neither of us has a PhD.

Just for another perspective--we did not have this issue with DS, who tests pretty high. DD was a late bloomer socially and playdates, etc were harder when she was young. But I would not assume a highly gifted child can't do playdates due to giftedness. Personality is much more of a factor, IMO.

Maybe third time is the charm?

These replies are so helpful! Thank you all very much for taking the time to reply.

(crossing fingers that this will post)