Neato,
Wow. You are good. You pinpointed the problem pretty dead on, with respect to that the bullies seem to have built in radar for him. And I am the scientific, data-driven type and I still agree with you wholeheartedly! My son seems to believe that to be popular, you need to be noticed... and to be noticed you need to advertise that you are a little different. (at least that is my interpretation of his actions... he likes to draw attention to himself a lot.) Maybe he is an only kid who is used to being the center of attention. Or maybe he is just so desperately in need of friends that bullies realize that withholding this gives them power over him. He doesn't project "doormat" so much because he will not back down when he is bullied, which tends to lead to more serious problems. Or at least it does with boys when you are eight and they are ten or eleven and ten inches bigger and 70 pounds heavier.
So it is very common that if he goes to a week-long day camp during the summer, at least one of the kids will start by pushing him or stealing his hat or glasses. He is a small, skinny, non-athletic, bookworm of a kid who believes he should be treated as an equal to the big boys. It think the bigger kids decide that they need to pick on him to knock him down a bit and put him in his place. Maybe boy's social hierarchy is closer to packs of wolves where dominance is given to the biggest, not the smartest. Due to his grade acceleration, he is always the smallest fish in the pond.
We also have had a similar problem as your DD, but with neighborhood kids outside of school. We have one neighborhood boy who is 11, nearly 12, who wants to be the gang leader of a group of younger kids (two boys who are the same age as my son (newly 8) and a girl who is about to turn 10). He was caught lying to another boy (10) about a broken hockey stick. The lie was that he blamed the purposeful destruction of the hockey stick on my son, and convinced the other kids to lie as well. It was seven kids saying that they saw my son break the hockey stick and my son staring at them in disbelief. Finally one older boy told on the 11 year old. He has now decided to make my son's life miserable by making sure that none of the neighborhood kids will play with him. So when my son sees kids outside and runs out the door to play, he is greeted by universal taunts and threats. I have overhead the eleven year old telling the other kids to get a baseball bat and threaten him. And I have now heard the younger kids telling each other this as reinforcement. The main problem I have is that the parents won't acknowledge this bullying. I have even had the neighbor kids yell taunts over the backyard fence when both my son and I were in the backyard and the next door parent was just standing idly by watching it all.
We live in a very small community where all the parents believe that their kids are gifted. All of the parents believe that their kids will be CEO's of companies one day, and a great deal of importance is given to learning how to be a leader. (and I think a leader is unconsciously defined as one who has power over others.) The parents all hold their kids back a year to give them an edge over other kids, so that most of the boys in my DS's 3rd grade class were turning 10 during the year. And it is almost like something out of the Stepford Wives or A Wrinkle in Time where to be unique is to be suspect. So suffice it to say that talking to the parents is an exercise in futility.
Sorry to go off on a long tirade. I was just completely captivated by the concept of "nipping" such problems in the bud and by your assertive stance to protect your DD. I'm not an overly assertive person (okay, I'm extremely timid!), but I feel the need to protect my son from this, but don't know how. What would you in this situation? I'll throw it open for any and all suggestions!
What do I do about neighborhood kids when the parents will not step in? And how do I teach my DS how to not make waves and attract bullies without telling him to hide or feel ashamed of his uniqueness? And should I move this to a new thread? (I don't want to hijack a very interesting discussion on depression! I'm new enough that I don't quite know how to do that. Can I copy over Neato's first post to go with a new thread?)
