Hi ebeth.
Be careful what you wish for.
Okay, I'd like to give you a long-term solution as well as the short term solution I used for this one instance, hope you don't mind.
Settle in, I can be longwinded, especially about things I am passionate about and preventing kids from being bullied is pretty high on that list.
I have a theory about the energy we send out to others either knowingly or unknowingly. This theory is wholly un-scientific and pretty anecdotal and metaphysical in nature which I'm sure may creep out those of you who are deeply intellectual and data-driven. sorry....
It's pretty much the whole philosophy behind "The Secret". Uh oh, hope I didn't just lose all credibility here.
Except, I'm pretty rational about it, if that makes sense.
Since you mention your son gets picked on pretty consistently when he joins a group I wonder if this theory could be applied.
I guess I can sum up by letting you know that when I was younger, the energy I was sending out was "doormat", to be simplistic and crass. I was very insecure, I felt different and since in my family different was bad, I felt that there must be something wrong with me. Not saying that's up with your son, just an example for clarity.
Bullies seem to have an uncanny natural ability to sense this and can easily figure out which kids they can take their little aggressions on who won't fight back/stand up to them. I would guess that's why I was picked on a lot.
Now, some adults still get bullied, right? In social situations, in the work place, etc.
I don't and I would guess it's because I send out a different energy. At least that's my opinion on the matter.
How I handled the specific situation with DD:
One "friend" of my daughter was telling another of the girl's friend that my DD didn't like her and didn't want to play with her. Then she was telling my DD the same about the other girl. Additionally she was attempting to convince other children not to play with DD for a variety of reasons.
Since I volunteer in the school I actually observed this behavior which was pretty much key to allowing me to actually be effective in getting involved to stop it.
I contacted the teacher and plainly let her know that while I don't expect all the kids to be friends, that this "campaigning" against my child was strictly bullying and requested that she look into it. Because this situation has ALREADY been addressed by the teacher previously, she sent it to the office.
The school took the matter very seriously and the social worker questioned the girls until she got to the bottom of it. The little girl admitted she had done all of this felt bad and apologized. The best thing the social worker did was to be understanding towards the girl who had made the mistake. There was no shaming involved and she did not get into trouble-because she had accepted responsibility for what she had done. She was told there would be a consequence if it happened again in a very matter-of-fact, non-threatening way.
One thing to keep in mind is that even though this worked out well, it could have easily gone the other way for a variety of reasons. As soon as I contacted the school and requested something be done I pretty much opened a can or worms. There were some parents who felt that I shouldn't have gone to the school. The parent of the child involved who is my "friend" was very mad and her only concern was that her child was in the principals office, she was actually enraged about this. She never considered the fact that the child had been terrorizing my DD and how this affected her.
When I went into it I knew that parents, teachers, etc. could have a very strong reaction to it, but I DIDN'T CARE. I think that's the most important thing. Bullying in unacceptable. The school policy states that. I wasn't going to stand by and tolerate it and to this day I won't make any apology for what I did, because I believe it was the right way to handle the situation, come what may. I think I would have gotten myself into trouble if I had been wishy-washy when it got uncomfortable. KWIM?
I don't know if that helps or answers your question, but I hope so. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you with your situation.
Neato
