Thank you so much everyone for the responses. It means a lot.
5. After the upset, figure out the trigger, the issue, the cause, etc., and try to talk about it in detail. Gifted kids are often highly intuitive, insightful, and may want to discuss it in detail. (For example, our child will feel outraged or indignant at some perceived injustice that other children will not even detect.)
This actually works IF I ask it as a question instead of putting words in his mouth. We have found out many things about his feelings about school by doing this. After an episode of anger I would ask about what is going on inside and what is really upsetting him, and we would find out things I never knew he felt. I have to remind myself of doing this
Our use of timeouts is a bit different than how it's used in most families. They're not a punishment, though DD9 still needs some convincing on that. We send her to her room to deal with emotional overload. She's free to do whatever she wants in there, and she's free to come out as soon as she's ready. If she comes out and starts yelling at us again, she's sent back in.
YES, I need to do more of this as well. I am thinking this might actually work BEFORE we get to the point of misbehaving. I can kind of tell when he is getting wound up and I can sense his mood.
The problem with this scenario is he's shooting for a vague, undefined target. Instead, I would have approached it by giving him permission up front, but letting him know he could lose that opportunity for misbehavior. Then, if he's acting up in a way that needs immediate correction, I'd warn him that continued behavior would mean the end of the trip. If he stops, fine. If not, trip canceled, no negotiations.
This might have been a better idea. I just always thought that having to EARN something instead of having it to begin with is the way to go. Will try it the other way around next time.
And oh, Zen, where are you, my long lost friend... (And I do yoga too....)
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But 6 through 8 years old was just about the nadir of my entire life, honestly.
I can distinctly recall having my then 7yo sit on our living room hearth-- with NOTHING to do, no talking to her, etc-- for
two days straight. I brought her food, she got bathroom breaks, and she was sent to bed on time each evening. It sounds cruel... but my DH and I were up against-- well, Cool Hand Luke.
I have NEVER figured out what my daughter's "triggers" really were/are-- she's too cagey and too manipulative to give us the ammunition... and she also has proven to be equally slippery re: "currency" to leverage HER. Her response to the reinstatement/removal of privileges has always been "Yeah--
whatever... you do your thing, and it's nothing to do with me,K?" (Maddening.)
I made her write apologies to me, to her dad, to a teacher, and to anyone else that she was nasty to.
I have put him in his room from early afternoon until bedtime. The interesting thing is that he just sits there. Doesn't do anything. I have gotten some wails out of him doing that, had him show regret for his behavior.
Otherwise, like you said, he doesn't care, or doesn't let us know he cares..
I like the idea of writing a letter. I bought him a diary and thought I would tell him to sit in his room and write about what made him so upset and why he made the choice to act the way he did. He is a writer so I think this might work. Might also be his therapy in upcoming years.
HowlerKarma, he understands he can't drive himself to an activity that has been taken away, but he always says "I will ride my bike there...."
You have given me some great ideas and food for thought here. THANK YOU!
