Our use of timeouts is a bit different than how it's used in most families. They're not a punishment, though DD9 still needs some convincing on that. We send her to her room to deal with emotional overload. She's free to do whatever she wants in there, and she's free to come out as soon as she's ready. If she comes out and starts yelling at us again, she's sent back in.
Punishments in our home are the loss of some privilege. This is the part that can change from moment to moment. The key here is to get inside your child's head and see what they value. If they don't care about losing it, it's not an effective punishment. When my DD was 2, the go-to punishment was bedtime stories, and then one day it stopped being effective. She's shrug, and go back to whatever she was doing. I had to try a few other things, and was quite surprised when she reacted in outrage when I proposed to cut her off from chocolate milk. That became the new go-to for a while. These days, friends coming over is our favorite go-to, because she is highly social.
No matter what the punishment, though, any decisions have to be final, so she experiences real consequences, and that we mean what we say. The natural reaction is for her to protest, which means she stands to lose even more privileges. She never has to lose more than 2 before she realizes the better part of valor.
As for controlling, we have a zen-like approach, because honestly... she's 9. We're older, bigger, and smarter. We have all the money, and we control her entire environment. There's nothing she can do about any of it. Knowing that she can't be a threat and she can't take away control (unless we let her) makes it pretty easy to blow off her tirades without responding in anger... and let's just say that I'm not the kind of person normally associated with zen.
As for showing disrespect, I think it's important to identify those situations immediately, demand the behaviors change immediately, and offer consequences if they don't. But even more important, I think, is to show children the kind of respect that they deserve. I have a tendency to take it pretty far, as I'm far more prone to address a child as "sir" or "ma'am" than I am another adult. It's listening to them, and responding in ways that show you were paying attention. It's respecting their ideas, because sometimes they'll surprise you (if they're PG, you can expect them to). It's honoring your commitments to them, "Yes, I told you I could play with you later, it's later, let's play." And it's also giving them a locus of control... picking clothes, activities, including them in decisions on what to have for dinner, etc.
I find that all of that tends to short-circuit the disrespect before it even happens.
He was supposed to get to go on an overnight trip today with his dad. The condition was for him to behave the past few days. He hasn't. This morning he asked "Did I earn it?" I asked him if he thought he did. He responded "No, not really" I said we agreed. So at least he KNOWS when the behavior is not good.
The problem with this scenario is he's shooting for a vague, undefined target. Instead, I would have approached it by giving him permission up front, but letting him know he could lose that opportunity for misbehavior. Then, if he's acting up in a way that needs immediate correction, I'd warn him that continued behavior would mean the end of the trip. If he stops, fine. If not, trip canceled, no negotiations.
