"Third, I would advise you to start talking with your DH over every seemingly-insignificant interaction with your son, so you can establish a uniformity in your boundaries and responses between the two of you. "
We already do. More than any couple I know, we spend all night talking about how to deal with every moment we are with him in the day. We come up with responses and contingency responses and edge cases. We have to adapt them frequently because he outsmarts us, out-negotiates us and outlasts us. We marvel at his brain and we despair at his inability to yield. The only time he sort of relaxes his aggressive need to control is when he's sick.
"First, I would advise you to abandon the notion that exercising authority is associated with crushing spirit. The arbitrary and capricious exercise of authority can do that. "
I have already had moments where I've crushed his spirit. I've seen it. He cried and told his grandparents "I'm sad because I'm a naughty boy and I want to be good" and he was really subdued. He also says, "Don't scold me, Mama." and I have had to apologize to him for my harshness. But it doesn't change his willingness to listen. It does change my willingness to keep correcting his behavior. Because after all, he's only 2.
