Oh my god. Yes. My second was nicknamed "Bonnie" in pre-school, along with another boy--"Clyde". The two would escape from the playground in a major city. Both would take the bikes and their helmets and attempt to ride out into the street (they never made it, of course, but they kept the teacher on her toes). My older daughter would make Supernanny cry--I believe her longest time-out had me not going to the bathroom or nursing her sister for something like six hours. She never gave in until she finally screamed herself into a heap in a locked room. It was all about control. What motivates these kids is control, not love, not affection, not order. It is all about control.
Not that they don't need love, affection, and order. They do. But those don't motivate them.
I read every parenting book. I tried everything, and usually, after 8 weeks (length of the trials), it would be far worse, because every book was based on the premise that the child lacked order, or affection, or connection. That was not my child's motivation. Her motivation was control, to a really, really creepy degree, where even a hug could turn into a battle.
"It is really hard because he finds every single boundary every day."
So familiar. Every boundary. You can make EVERYTHING perfect for the child, and he will still find a battle to pick, to control that moment. These kids prefer a screaming match to Disneyland, because they can't control Disneyland, but they can control a screaming match. It is so soul-crushing as a parent. Every fun activity, every attempt to connect with the child, is turned into a control issue.
What I finally decided was to just go through the motions and not care about the result, the connection, the relationship. I had to stay in control of MYSELF, and give up control of the kids. That was the only way to maintain my dignity and my sanity.When I decided that, my kids still did a lot of stuff, but they lost control of me. Their actions had ZERO effect on my mood or behavior. I just went through the motions of parenting, like Dude suggests, do all the "right" things, and ignore what the child does. Focus on yourself, not your kid.
I'm not saying have no limits. I'm just saying, set your limits and consequences and say, "That's what I'm going to do, whether or not it 'works' to change behavior or attitudes, because that's what the books say, and I'm going to be okay with it, because it is ALL I CAN DO."
This allows you to maintain sanity (since you can't control your child) and also takes the wind out of the child's sails. What, I can't make mommy/teacher/granny upset any more? I can't change anything about my situation?
Good luck. I am also a big fan of red wine. Patron has a faster effect when necessary.
