I'm terribly sorry.
My children respond far better to people who aren't invested in the outcomes of their behavior, as do the children in my care who are not my own.
I don't mean your wife doesn't care if they live or die or anything.
I just mean, whether or not they behave, does not affect her opinion of herself or the situation. She can remain objective and detached, a professional manager of child behavior, rather than a family member who reacts to it.
The behavior doesn't affect her because she doesn't take responsibility for it. Because it doesn't affect her, the control motive is gone, so the child responds to the other systems she has in place.
Does that make sense?
I'm not trying to insult your wife. I personally care far less about the behavior of kids who aren't my own, even if I love them dearly. I just feel their behavior doesn't reflect on me as a person, so I can confidently do what I want and they obey me. It's awesome. I do not consider it to be a character flaw. That's just how it is.
As a parent, though, I have to put on a mask and hide my emotional investment in my children's behavior, or detach from it in a zen-like exercise which requires significant mental effort. Otherwise, they control me, and that control intoxicates them. That intoxication makes any other interaction pale in comparison.
