Yeah-- make no mistake, DD does NOT see 100% as "success."
In her world, there
is no "success."
There is only varying modes of failure and... "the avoidance thereof." (Getting that almighty 100%.) No, the 100% doesn't represent a "win" it represents "adequate" since the challenges/barrier to getting it is generally not sufficiently high enough to warrant ACTUAL satisfaction. This transformation seems to come about because of a learned association that "my best is always 100%. But-- far less than my 'best' is
also often 100%. Ergo, external indicators are useful ONLY as evidence of failure." From a logical standpoint, that one is pretty darned hard to refute.
In this scenario, the ONLY way to "win" is to
refuse to play the game in the first place. Because there IS no "winning," all that doing what you are expected to/supposed to do offers is
the risk of failure.This is what happens when a child who is good at everything they try is not given sufficiently meaningful challenges and forced (encouraged? whatever) to face them head on.
Can you recover from perfectionism? Probably not really. I think it's akin to an addictive state. You can certainly learn more adaptive coping strategies, though. It's taken me
years to do that, and I still feel the seductive pull of procrastination once in a while. Why procrastination? Well, because racing the clock allows me to forget about "perfect" in the goal of meeting a time deadline that most people would find impossible. Under THOSE conditions, even a fairly mediocre effort on my part tends to shine better, and I can let go of a lot of my hangups about doing things perfectly if there simply isn't time to worry about them.
You can probably see why grantsmanship and the academic cycle coupled with MASSIVE (self-imposed) grading loads were like powerful drugs for me.
I do wonder if some of this isn't genetics. My dad and I both did this, and so does DD. She enjoys setting her OWN goal-- often related to procrastination, which also serves that "avoidant" monster and simultaneously builds in failure as a "likely" outcome... ergo, "not failing" means...
bonus! I didn't fail even though I had every reason to! I am a GOD... (And I
could have attained perfection if I hadn't self-handicapped... so I can always reassure myself that the flaws weren't "me" at my best... because that would mean that I'm an awful, imperfect person not deserving of water. Or Oxygen. Best not to risk finding that out. Ever.)
Okay, that's some of my own internal dialogue. I'm obviously not a well woman. But you get the idea.
You have to find ways to derail that process. I agree that getting inside the head of a person like this is the ONLY way to really alter the course of things in a substantive way.
I also agree that making a schedule matter-of-fact-- that is, REMOVING all rewards/punishments which relate to performance-- is the only way to manage this. Then, make natural consequences for NOT completing work be the only 'punitive' component. No judgment about performance, per se... just "Gosh, I think you must need more work on this skill. What happened here? What can you tell me about this? What can you learn from this experience?" along with gentle guidance...
so-- when the child says "I'm obviously an awful writer!!" you can steer and say... "I don't think so. Can you think of some more specific reasons why this didn't go well? What was happening while you were working on this?" (In order to get the CHILD to admit that well, maybe writing a complete term paper the NIGHT BEFORE IT IS DUE might not have been a thoughtful or well-considered plan...)
