Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Facing a challenge

I've seen lots of threads here for how to get children to take on challenges, overcome perfectionism, and 'all that' but today I was struggling with getting my son to do it when I realized I haven't been modeling it.

I never really had to face challenges in school, and even through a lot of university level study it's been a bit so-so, and I RARELY take any real world risks at all. (Especially with money - I get really nervous if someone will be paying me for something )

Has anyone had experience learning to take on challenges as an adult? Or had one of those moments when you realize you've been modeling one thing and saying another? How did you overcome it?

Yeah, I realized that was an issue for me a few years back. My mother-in-law had sent me a book of bananagrams, which I don't like and I'm not great at. DD wanted me to try, so I did, and about halfway through doing one of them, I got frustrated, set the book down, and said, "It's too hard! I'm just not good at this!" And then I looked over at her and I was like, "um...so I'm going to keep trying, so that I can get better." LOL. So, yeah, now I pull out the book every once in a while and force myself to do one. It's slow going, let me tell you.

I do a lot of non-academic things that are hard for me, but I don't think they're obvious to DD, so now I try to remember to point them out. And then I do them anyway.

I recently became more aware of modeling to promote children taking on challenge.

Wow! I have messed up on lots of things I was not aware about. A few months back I was on a frequenct complaining kick about the house work. Then I found out children will complain about school if parent complain about work. Now I'm trying to be more ambitous with it to model a good example.

I have done well with is getting out and trying activites. We use to do lots of park classes and library event. I tried to keep busy doing FREE stuff as much as possible. I took my son to try fly fishing at a library class. I had no interest in starting the hobby but we had fun. It was hard but I showed he it's good to try something new. We could do this and it really didn't matter if we were good or not. I complemented our effort.

Recently, I started working on my typing skills at home and I talk to my kids about it. They see the effort.

Don't worry too much on your past mistakes. That's apart of learning. Keep moving forward and give your self a pat on the back for making the effort.

Thanks! I'm not too worried yet, he is still little. But I also want to do it for me! I want to take on some things I haven't yet.

I try to be as honest with my daughter as I can be. There are many things I want her to learn and I don't want one lesson to contradict another.

So for example honesty is something I lead by example.

I also want her to learn people are different and it is ok to be yourself. For this reason, I encourage her to be different than I am.

For example, I am not afraid of insects, but I don't particularly like touching them. When my daughter showed an interest at the age of 3, I told her it was ok to pick them up. I also told her I did not like doing it myself. To this day, she is comfortable with some insects and not others and does not expect me to be the same.

At first, she did want me to pick up insects, but I have always refused. I wanted her to realize it is ok not to want to do something and not to let others pressure her into it.

As another example, at the grocery store, I will often tap her on the head and say someone else did it. Of course, the last time I fooled her was probably around the same time as the insect example.

Playing tricks on someone like this is a little bit like lying. There is a subtle difference and I feel this is not only fun, but a good way for children to learn how not to be fooled easily by others. It is also a good way to learn the difference between lying and tricks.

Just the other day, I was sitting at a table eating and I bumped her shoulder and shortly afterwards, she bumped me back. Another adult said you shouldn't fool around at the table, you can choke. What they didn't realize is I had taught her to not to fool around with food in her mouth or if someone else has food in their mouth. At the time I started this, I would ask her if she had food in her mouth and then bump her. She would do the same. Eventually, she would just look before doing it. This adult went as far as to say it is not ok to fool around at the table at any time, because a child might forget not to when eating. The last time I looked around, I see adults and children eating on the couch, while walking, in many places other than at the table.

I really think you have to give children the benefit of the doubt and assume they are intelligent people. There are cases where children do require somewhat simpler rules, but I find this to be more the exception than the rule.

This is SO hard for me. So very hard. It's a constant internal battle. I haven't overcome it yet at all. One of the biggest for me is just taking over when it's easier for me to do, then turning around and "yelling" at DS7 not to take over and let DD5 do it herself.

Easy challenge to set for me. Sit-ups. And I talk to DD about how important it is to exercise everyday as an adult, even though many times I do not want to, which I use as a model for piano practice.

Ren

Our challenge has been learning to work through pain. I only have migraines to deal with and my son has both migraines and daily pain from his scoliosis brace. I used to refuse to do math of any kind if I didn't absolutely have to when I had a migraine because I get a migraine glitch that causes me to make more mistakes. Sometimes words don't come out the way I intended. I told my son that I realized I sometimes "slay" my words when I have a headache. I intended to say slur, but this migraine glitch just happens and I don't have any control over it. My son is not affected verbally as much as I am when he has a migraine, but it does affect his ability to do math without making mistakes that he would not normally make without a migraine. I decided to prove that we can learn to work around the pain and the glitch by slowing down and double checking our work. I often point out my mistakes as I relearn algebra and I tell him that the important thing is to learn how to catch your mistakes. I told him about my experiences working at jobs in payroll and as an accounting analyst and how I managed to do my jobs well by working around the glitches, but I also told him about the boss I once had that yelled at me in front of other employees because I had made a mistake when she forced me, even though I told her I was getting a migraine, to try to keep up the speed that I normally was able to work at. The reality is that there are bullies even in the workplace. There are people who don't understand and won't take the time to learn because they know everything. I told him how I kept looking for a better job and found a very good one, with a boss who let me work around my disability. I was very good at my jobs when allowed to work around the migraines.

My son has to deal with the additional pain of a scoliosis brace. My son's orthotist told us that most people can get used to the pain, but I think most of the people who get used to it do not have sensory issues. My son goes through hours of back pain every single day and my challenge is to try to help him through it. My son kept telling me I didn't understand what it was like wearing it so I wore his old one for an hour while trying to do the things I normally do around the house. The old brace was about my size and of course I couldn't wear it as tight as he had to wear it but I wanted to simulate his experience the best I could so I could better understand what he was going through. I found I couldn't bend over to empty the dishwasher or even sit comfortably without the bottom of it digging into the top of my thighs. It is so uncomfortable that it discourages movement of any kind. I felt trapped because I couldn't breathe as easily. I think it helped my son to see that I was trying to understand. Yesterday my husband started teasing my son and saying he was lazy. I stood up for my son and told him that I didn't think he was lazy at all. I don't see how he does as much as he does. He has to take his brace off for musical theater dance rehearsals.

His orthopedic surgeon says he is supposed to wear the brace for all weight bearing activities but the orthotist says he needs some time out of the brace and I have to make the final decision and hope that I am making the right one so the anxiety that comes from that is also a challenge.

The MRI he had a few days ago was a challenge. I talked to the MRI technician on the phone the day before my son's MRI and I told her the very loud sound the MRI makes was difficult for him the last time and that one of his ear plugs fell out. This MRI was going to take an hour and I wanted to make sure he was comfortable as possible so he could get through it. She told me she would let him listen to music, but she didn't. She didn't offer him a pillow until he told her his head hurt. An ear plug fell out but she told him she couldn't stop the test. He had taken Ibuprofen for a headache but he said the sound made it very painful. It was a bad experience but he made it through. It is challenging for me to not be really angry about the way the MRI technician ignored my concerns, but I will model the appropriate behavior. I will stay calm and write a letter to complain.

Great topic GeoMamma!
I strongly agree that what we model for our kids is a lot more important than what we say. I encourage you to tackle something totally new and allow your child to observe your learning process. After reading about the adult learning journeys of hoemschool author David Albert, I made a conscious decision to try out a couple of new hobbies that pushed me out of my comfort zone. This process gave me greater empathy as a teacher and it helped me be a more effective parent. You can talk up and down and round and round about perseverance, perfectionism, etc. but your kids will see if what you actually live is very different. Also, there is quite a bit of research now showing lifelong learners tend to age better and keep greater mental acuity.

Do you have an ideas of something totally new you could try?

I'm going to learn Chinese with my kids.
I don't like being told how to do something I already know how to do. The Internet has saved my marriage because now I know that my auditory-sequential husband isn't narrating step-by-step how I should do what I'm already doing just to make me mad, it's how he has to process things. Well, he got a kick out of it yesterday when I told him about ds' reaction when I told him there's a better way to draw a five than an upside-down backwards "2" and he didn't want to draw it right and he didn't even want to draw it the wrong way anymore either. Old. Dh was like, "ha-ha, he's your kid. He doesn't want to listen when someone's just trying to help him either."