Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Attending funeral?

My Mother-in-law has just passed a couple days ago and I am wondering whether the children should attend the funeral service. Ds10 is pretty sensitive about death and dd4 is just young...what is usual in these circumstances and any advice in particular for a sensitive young man?
thanks

I'm sorry for your loss.

My feeling is, take them both, and answer their questions frankly. This is the main way people learn about death, and you get a chance to really shape their understanding. We are very literal about this in our household (the body stops working) but also talk about what we believe.

The 4 yo would likely be more upset by everyone else in the family being upset, then absent, then back and upset again than by what is likely to happen at a funeral. Having a chance to understand where grandma went brings much better closure, and ultimately understanding, than having her simply disappear without discussion or farewells.

If MIL was sick, you might use superlatives to avoid confusing the 4 yo about degrees of illness-- that is, not "gram was sick and died" but "gram was very very very sick, not like that time you had a cold, so very sick that she died."

A 4 yo will probably absorb only as much of what's going on as she can handle, anyway-- the rest is likely to go over her head. At least it's that way in my family.

DeeDee

My son isn't particularly sensitive, but here's my 2c for what it's worth. When he was 4, he attended the funeral of my uncle - we were visiting family in England at the time - he did just fine. Last year, we flew over to England for my dad's funeral (he was almost 6 at the time). When he heard that some of the other (older) cousins were going to read a poem at the funeral, he wanted to participate - so he read the first 2 lines, and did a great job All in all I think attending the funeral was a positive thing for him (weird as that sounds).

Chris - I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father earlier this year, and I was concerned for my sensitive 5 y.o. With advice of this board and others taken into consideration, I took him to the funeral, but not the viewing. I think it was beneficial to my son to have closure to his grandfather's death. He had asked many questions about death for over a year prior to my father's death, and still asks questions, which I answer frankly. What we did at the actual service is have my son sit between his favorite cousin and my mother-in-law (I was giving a eulogy) so that if the service became overwhelming, my MIL could take him to another room. He did well, and stayed for the service the entire time. Best wishes, you are in my thoughts.

Thanks for all the kind words and good advice; I thought going was probably best too, for ds, but in the end we all had a virus except my husband so could not attend.