Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Another friendship gone wrong story :(

It doesn't ever work, understanding from "live" friends, or shall I say acquaintances. Can't they accept that kids can be different and not take it personally?

Hugs to you, Geomamma. I'm in the camp of walking away, because I just don't have the energy/personality type to fight.

It makes me so sad that the answer is to walk away. I wish there was another way. But you need to do what is better for you and your family.

Relatedly, I find that I am automatically changing the way I interact with DS friends parents. We are currently struggling with decisions about DS 4.5 future, considering moving to get him better access to gifted programs. I have a terrific friend who was a friend before I had DS and I needed to talk to her to get my head straight and she has been super supportive and not defensive or judgmental at all and she has a 5.5 year old but even with her I found myself eventually using euphemisms and unfinished sentences to avoid saying things like he's reading on the 6th grade level. I find myself
getting quieter and quieter with parents of age peers. Sigh

DeHe

Hugs to everyone who has experienced this. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one.

Well, you have certainly given me something to think about, Grinity I read your reply just before I went to bed and I thought I needed to think about it before I answered. Well, I couldn't sleep very well! I'm not sure about increasing my 'vocality' of my DS's achievements. The community is relatively small and to mention it to her, well, I might as well broadcast it. I'm not sure I'm ready for the ramifications of that. I did think of a very good way to respond to the latest 'thing', and it borders on what you were talking about. So thanks.

I always worry that responding to those underhanded things makes me 'stoop to their level'...

And thank you to all those who understood the 'walk away' feeling, because I needed to know it wasn't just me who felt that way.

Will be doing a lot of thinking...

Thanks GeoMamma - I wasn't sure if you needed 'afflict the comfortable or comfort the afflicted' just then.
I do think that it's always possible to respond to underhanded things in a 'higher road' sort of way. I love what Suzette Haden Elgin has to say about our choices in communication.
My point is that you always have multiple choices about how you communicate anything.

It's a tough bird that won't melt under: You know Jean, this project is very important to me, and I so value the contribution you make to it. Still I'm getting the feeling that I am making you uncomfortable in some way. Can you help me understand what is going on between us?

If you can muster that level of sincerity and love then anything can happen. Humor helps too.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Yes, Grinity, it was great food for though - comfort and challenge, just what I needed. Life has thrown me for a complete loop though, over the last few datys and I haven't got around to actually implementing my plan. I will let you know how it goes when I do though.

((thumbs up!!))

I know this is old, but I just wanted to update:

I thought of a great way to solve the issues she was raising, sent an email telling her what I was going to do, then implemented it. It was good because while it did fix the issues she was having, it didn't 'give in' iykwim. (I thought that would just lead to another thing to complain about as it had in the past) and I even got brave and finished the email similar to what Grinity suggested!

The outcome? She isn't speaking to me. Which is kind of weird, but I'm basically ignoring it and it really is an improvement. And most importantly, I feel okay about myself and how I acted and I don't feel cowered and bullied. And while I don't know what she has said to others, either they are good pretending or they haven't cared. (Since they don't seem to have noticed she isn't talking to me, I'm not sure what they think actually.) It's a very interesting place to be...

Yippee GeoMamma!!! I'm so glad you found a way to procede that didn't compromise your own standards. Good for your friends who aren't willing to stoop along with one person's game. Yippee!

smiles,
Grinity

I dug this thread out to rant .

Two of my friends have kids with dyslexia. I sympathize and really want to help. I've been passing on whatever resources I've found, many of which are not suitable for DS, but it doesn't matter. Anyway, I recently organized a group buy for something that I did find useful. Then I found out that one of the mums had arranged for the material to be used by her friends in a co-op setting, but she wasn't going to include us. "The number of kids is too overwhelming", she says. I just feel so let down. I guess I wouldn't have joined in any case as my son is really picky about friends, but isn't it even just courtesy and respect to ask since I did all the leg work? I think I must have sounded upset, because she sent an email to say perhaps I should join them after all since going it alone is hard work. I don't feel like replying to make her feel better.

All these never happened before DS. I'm so grateful DS and I have each other (DH can't quite understand what's happening since he's at work all the time)! But gosh, looks like no matter how much I contribute, it'll seem like we don't "deserve" help because "your kid is too advanced for his age".

So sorry to hear that blob. It's hard when you've been trying and it doesn't work out. I wonder what her reasoning was? Giving a benefit of the doubt, perhaps your friend thought that they might not be able to work in a group setting with the disparities in ability? Not knowing the situation, it's hard to say, but is it a possibility?

As time has gone on I have been more and more convinced of the fact that some people just can't seem to cope with any signs of giftedness. I am s.l.o.w.l.y coming to accept that it's actually more about them than it is me. Others are great! I was talking to a (different) friend on the weekend about my son and admitted his giftedness (we were talking home education talk. And she was lovely. She did say, however that anyone who spent five minutes talking to him would know!

I guess what I'm saying, blob is commiserations, it's not fair, it might not have much to do with you at all. And I hope it gets better.