Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy protecting my DD4 from my perfectionism

When my DD4 was younger, I was great at not correcting her, praising her, and allowing her to color out of the lines metaphorically and literally. Now that she is four and in pre-K I can feel my competitiveness and perfectionism rearing its ugly head. I do not want to impose those traits of mine on her and yet, I see them slipping out in very small ways. I am feeling less tolerant of sloppy coloring, sloppy writing, or sloppy speaking or thinking. Most of the time I bite my tongue, but today I think I sunk to a mommy low moment saying that I thought she could do much better (on a project). She is also a perfectionist and I am wondering how best to manage my own perfectionism issues. I allow myself to be much "sloppier" than I once did. My posts have typos galore and I don't even bother to edit them etc. yet I worry the beast in me will rise up once my DD4 enters the world of school and competition. Does anyone else fight their own perfectionism and competitiveness and struggle to keep it from harming their child? I haven't felt those twinges until this year. So far, it isn't out of the cage yet, but once we are in the world of testing and grades, I hope I can say and do the right things if she performs below her ability. I am perfectly accepting that she can't do certain physical things and it doesn't bother me in the least. She is behind plenty of kids in terms of playground gymnastics, and I couldn't care less and I was a competitive gymnast. She can't dress herself that well either and I don't care, yet it does irritate me when she does things below her ability in her strength areas. Any advice? I don't like this trait in myself.

Yes. You are not alone. I'm working really hard to not correct the things that I'm seeing on my DD6's homework. If she asks me a direct question, I'll give her an answer or leading question, but she is already showing perfectionism issues (she erased a '6' 3 times this morning because it wasn't "perfect").

You'll slip up. I do, my husband does; we're not perfect either

Allow yourself to make mistakes. You're not a bad Mom.

Maryann

I don't think sloppy coloring or sloppy writing are relevant for a 4 y.o. Or, for that matter, sloppy speaking, though I suppose it depends on what you mean exactly. (I'm not sure how sloppy thinking would demonstrate itself in a 4 y.o., so I can't speak to that.) My advice would be to keep your expectations age-appropriate in these areas (as for a non-gifted child). I remember feeling similar to the way you are when my oldest was that age; five years and several children later, I expect a lot less (in some ways and possibly more in others) of my young kids than I did of my first child.

It may comfort you to know that while I got in trouble for sloppy coloring in K and always had terrible handwriting, my lackluster fine motor skills played no role in my future success.

I guess one motivation for you may be remembering that your own perfectionism might make your dd's perfectionism worse if you let it slip out. In my house, a couple of the kids have significant perfectionism issues and truly prefer not to learn from me. This is quite frustrating and something you should seek to avoid. Fortunately they have teachers at school to (hopefully) correct their mistakes, but it's not an ideal situation for home learning, and they're often wanting to learn stuff at home that they aren't learning at school.

As for your feelings of competitiveness at school, keep in mind that nothing in their performance in elementary school will have some sort of immediate impact on their college applications. It's the learning itself and the learning process (attempting challenging work?) that are important.

that's my two cents

I have to confess that I take great delight in seeing DD relax and make "mistakes," for the most part. There are a few things that bug me (like a few months ago when she started insisting that she could not dress herself, despite the fact that she's been doing it since before she was 2). But generally I see these things as her way of asserting her right to be a silly little kid. I think it's wonderful that she still does that! Now, if she was the kind of kid who never pushed herself/tried hard/enjoyed a challenge, it might get to me more. But I can see the effort she puts into so much that it's great to see her relax and goof off once in a while.

Maybe my feelings would be different if she were going to be in school, where a lack of desire to work hard could eventually result in less appropriate curriculum. But really, what difference could it possibly make if a 4-year-old doesn't color inside the lines? My advice is to celebrate it!

I fight it all day long. You aren't alone!! And when DD does make mistakes I just want to swoop right in and fix it because it honestly makes my teeth itch when things are not just so. I like to think that I am doing a really good job at keeping it all inside. DD is super anxious and doesn't need any help feeling that way. I can relate to her because I put obscene amounts of pressure on myself and never feel satisfied with what I do. It is not a matter of just changing it. Perfectionism is hard-wired. You just have to learn to deal with it.

Twinkle Toes, first off, I agree with Maryann when she says no matter how hard you try, you'll slip up from time to time and to not be too hard on yourself.

I too have strong perfectionist tendencies and see them in my dd, also 4. I have had to make a really conscious decision to let dd go and make mistakes (yesterday I had physically restrain myself from taking a sifter off her while we were baking because it was killing me watching her do it 'incorrectly' - is there even a correct way to sift???).

I find, and this may or may not be true for you, that my desire for her to perform at the level I know she can really fires up when I feel like I have something to prove. I have asked for dd to be entered in to first grade rather than kinder next year (our school year starts in February) and she stumbled on an easy word while reading a very short passage for the principal. I was infuriated. Those are the moments when I really have to keep myself in check because I know in my heart that that is not about her, that is about me. For me, that involves being really aware of the moment and my automatic internal responses and forcing myself to have a different outward response, especially when I know logically no other response was possible at that point in time (dd hates being asked to 'perform' and invariably fails to impress when she is).

When I do slip up, which I occasionally do, I apologise to her - regardless of the period of time that has lapsed, and explain why I am apologising. She seems to really appreciate that. I gave myself a pat on the back when the other day I suggested she could have improved something and she said "this is just for fun mum, you don't always have to do your best". And she was absolutely right. I well and truly stood corrected!

thanks everyone. I am really not that obsessive about coloring. It was just an example. She actually has amazing drawing and coloring and fine motor skills, but I see patterns of her intentionally doing things at a lower skill level at school.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I have gotten uptight about some things, in this case coloring, because I know that fine motor skills are one way children are judged in school in the lower grades and it may somehow keep her teachers from letting her work ahead. We wanted her to skip to K and I know they are judging her every move to give them reasons to keep her in pre-K. If I can just relax and say she is in 4 pre-K this year, she can have fun, we won't worry about moving her, and that's that, I think I will chill out more.


Of course, I don't think it has any bearing on her long term success. I think the other issue is my DD4 make no effort to push herself at all. She knows things and does things that take no effot whatsoever. If something gives her pause, she walks away. At times I do encourage her to return to something because she should know what it is like to work to learn something.

She is also extremely silly and it is hard for her to ever NOT be silly. She clowns about 95% of the time if not more and I also worry about this in school and how it might affect how her learning needs are met. It is hard for others to see her gifts when she is making loud silly noises and using funky voices and making jokes all the time.

Is it just a one-way street? I remember thinking my mother was so beautiful and hating it when she picked her nose or burped. I was very young. My boy's similar. If my hair's messy he brings me a brush and a ponytail. Just asking to see if she naturally inherited your taste for things to be "just right". Doesn't she have high expections and pride in you as well? High expectations are great. That's one thing. But where do you draw the line from becoming a nag?