Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion pushing childhood

I have to vent here. Since preschool I have had to deal with mothers taking their daughters when they went for their manicures and pedicures and got their daughters' nails painted. Although DD went to the Bibbidi Bobbidi boutigue at 4 and got hair and makeup and nails done, it was a once in a big while thing. They gave you the makeup which I secretly threw out after a while, after it was on a high shelf.

Last week we went to a friend's house, they have a daughter turning 6 also and a 3 year old. They had gone to one of those cheap jewellery outlets and got make up kits and got one for DD. They all played with the makeup, including their 3 year old, putting on eye shadow.

We happened to be at a dinner party yesterday with these same people and I had a discussion with the hostess about what DD would want for birthday present, she asked about makeup and I said I do not allow it. And then we had a long discussion about letting them be kids.

We have huge discussions here about accelerating our kids academically but I really think they do not have to grow up too fast. If you let them have make up now (and they insist that it is not to wear out) but what happens in 2 years? Are they going to sneak it out in their backpacks?

Any support here on what to do?

Ren

I don't think I can offer any opinion here. I do remember I wasn't allowed to wear makeup till I was 16, but I really didn't have a big interest in it. I felt uncomfortable with it on.

I think it is completely okay to have your own rules for your own kids!

It really doesn't matter what others think. That is one of the great things about being parenting! We have many rules in our house that are different from those at DD's friends' houses. We don't even enter into discussions about them... it just is what it is. If you do not feel comfortable with make-up at a young age, do not feel like you have to justify it to anyone.

My DD loves to play dress-up and has a make-up kit that we consider part of that game. Our rule is that it all gets washed off after and make-up is never worn outside of the house. For her, it is just part of the dress-up experience. If she had a friend who was not allowed to wear make-up, I would certainly tuck it away when they were over with no questions asked.

I think it's essential to have your own rules for your own kids, and the sooner they get used to it - the better! Welcome these opportunities for your DD to see your stubborn side.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Being a parent who has taken my daughter for Mani and Pedi since she was 2 I really don't see a problem with it. It is mommy and daughter time. My daughter is also allowed to wear lip gloss. I would say that she never wears it outside of the house but she does but usually all around her lips... Really is lovely. She really isn't all that into the lip gloss anymore and when she does put it on she doesn't put much on compared to how she used to.

As for other makeup... We don't allow it but we have had a few cases where we have made exceptions. IE. B-day party for princess dress up and the older girls put some make up on them and ballet for performances.

Does this make my child want the makeup more? Absolutely not. In fact, she hardly asks for anything now. I haven't taken her to have her nails done in at least 9 months but have painted them myself a few times. Have I robbed her of her childhood? Hahaha the child who is full of imagination and creativity .... No.

I understand that every parent has their own style and I would never attempt to push any parent into allowing their child makeup or nail polish and I must admit I was shocked they included makeup at a party.... I certainly wouldn't BUT in the same fashion please don't jump to conclusions on your end.

I totally support your choosing what you want for your child (and if you can't impose your aesthetic values on your small child, when can you? ) But I just wanted to respond to this bit.


I don't think allowing it now makes it escalate later. If they want to sneak, they'll sneak, whether they take it from their own house or borrow it from their friends. And I suspect that kids are probably less likely to go sneaking it later if it wasn't treated as a forbidden fruit when they were younger. Kind of like how French kids who are allowed to drink small amounts of wine don't tend go binge drinking when they get older like American kids do.

Having said that, I plan on having draconian policies against Barbie, makeup, and chewing-gum in my house as Hanni gets older!

Not jumping to any conclusions. I just attended a lecture a few years ago put on by the Parents' League and another parent group in NYC. They brought in this Harvard Professor who specializes in teens.

She discussed the whole shortening the band of childhood, which shortened the band of other experiences which, in her opinion and research has led to the middle school sexual experience, mostly friends with benefits. I have yet to meet a parent who thinks it will be their kid who goes that way because of their actions. I do not know what I can do or can't do to prevent or divert her from this type of experiences, but she stressed about doing things that make them older than they are, like make-up.

Giving them make up is different than when kids got into mommy's lipstick. And if they lose interest, what will they be interested in when they are 10?

I am not the expert, and I do set my own rules, but was shocked when she received this make up kit as a gift? And they all went off to play teenagers, put make up on and pretend they had boyfriends.

I did let her have make up for ballet recitals but it was for performing, not to look better. I hate that she thinks she isn't beautiful enough that she needs make up at 5 which is the message.

She asked me why she can't get her ears pierced since this girl and this girl and this girl have pierced ears. I won't say what I told her but she won't be wanting to wear make up or get ears pierced anytime soon.

She had her first ballet class for a Technique class and the teacher told her to take her skirt off (a ballet skirt), not allowed until she earns it. And that they have to have a neat bun, told us to get bobby pins and nets (went to CVS and couldn't find a net) but I welcome the discipline. I welcome you have to earn the skirt. And that is how I want make up to be, a stage to grows up to, not applied to her because I think it is cute. I don't want a Jon Benet kid.

Ren

On chewing gum, because I hate the dentist and cavities. I prohibited gum until she was 5 and we just couldn't, too many friends were doing but she did ask first, we got gum.

After a few weeks of having it, not really asking for it, she never asks. And she told me today she really doesn't like gum. She hasn't had a cavity yet, and she isn't walking around chewing that gum which is so unattractive.

So forbidding isn't always sneaked.

Ren

For those who are strong of stomach, a very nuanced exploration of the various social pressures on young girls in regards to 'growing up too fast' can be found here:

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/103894

You may want to wait until the children are out of the house. Of course in our home, I only got hooked on South Park because I was not willing for DS to watch them alone.
Love and More Love,
Grinity

My daughter is almost 20, and when she was 3 the phone calls starting rolling in with requests from local modeling studios to have my daughter model, try out for TV commercials, etc. I said no. I had one mother yell at me because of my refusal to let my daughter participate and for the opportunities I was keeping her from, but it was a choice I made as her mother because I thought that it was best for her as an individual.

She discovered climbing a few years later and escaped the whole dieting-and-oh-dear-do-I-look-fat drama of mid-school tween girls. She had come to see her body as a tool for her sport and ate like a horse, exercised hard, and wouldn't eat or drink anything that might hold her back physically in her sport. I am certain that this confidence with her body saved us a lot of heartache as she maneuvered those terribly difficult years.

She didn't ask to start wearing makeup until mid-school, and it was such a welcome change from her tomboy baggy t-shirts that I agreed and helped her learn how to wear it appropriately. I didn't make it a big deal, and she transitioned well into a young lady.

I'm not sorry I prevented some opportunities or closed some doors when she was young. I wanted to let her have a normal childhood, and for my daughter it was the right choice. I am in no way passing judgment on mothers who choose the modeling, child acting route, because every child is different and the dynamic of every family is different. But for my daughter, I wanted to preserve her childhood as long as possible.