Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Violence & the YSP

A while back I downloaded & read through the DYS application, just for fun. I don't know if DD will ever have test scores that would qualify; she is only 4 and has never been tested. But one thing has been plaguing me since then, and I'm finally going to ask:

Can anyone really say that their child "never demonstrated or threatened violence, harm, or other behavior that is grossly inappropriate toward any other person"???

Are there children who never have hit or bitten another person, not even as toddlers? Really? I just keep thinking, well, even though my DD's behaviors are less violent than several of her (seemingly normal, generally sweet) little friends, perhaps her actions really are so far from normal that she will really never be able to join groups such as the YSP. Sigh. I mean, even if she weren't going through an awful hitting-her-parents-when-she's-angry phase, would the fact that she bit another toddler who stuck his finger in her mouth at daycare when she was one year old really disqualify her?

Hi - I think the key phrase here is "grossly inappropriate." The behaviors you describe fall within age-appropriate behavior, albeit undesirable.

Hm. I read "grossly inappropriate" as modifying "other behavior," rather than "violence, harm, or other behavior," but I guess that could be an unintended construction.

Also, maybe I'm crazy, but I personally do find it to be "grossly inappropriate" when she hits me. I understand it. I forgive it. I don't think it puts her in the category of children who are likely to grow up to be psychopaths. She's never hurt another child (other than the aforementioned biting incident, which I really think was reasonable under the circumstances). But I wouldn't feel comfortable attesting that my child had never displayed grossly inappropriate behavior.

First, I agree with the argument that what you described is not grossly inappropriate but I will answer your above question. I have one of those toddlers that has never hit or bitten another person. She has been bitten before and I thought for sure this would set the stage for a change in her own behavior. But she didn't retaliate when the child bite her by hitting or biting the child back nor has she shown any interest in doing so since the incident. Oops ... I'm wrong! Thinking back .... about a week after the incident she did hit one of the kids and we had a nice long talk about it. She showed me that not only does she understand why it was wrong but also how she had no plans to do it again because she truly felt sorry for the act. Since that one incident she has never hit and certainly has never bitten.

When I was doing the application, I took it to mean behaviors that were inappropriate for their age and a threat of violence with intention to harm. So a 1 1/2 year old who bit a kid... nothing I would think twice about or put on the paper. A 4 year old who still hits when frustrated every time? That's something I'd note. The 6 year old in my DS's class last year who stalked boys and punched them in their privates for fun? Something that should be noted...

But the thing is, there's no place to note things. You either initial it or leave it blank, in which case you presumably get a rejection letter.

Did your child get into any issues where it was "written" up at school/daycare?

(I won't count the one where someone sticks their finger in her mouth -- she's a toddler, her natural reaction would be to bite down.)

I don't think you have anything to worry about here. They are talking about the violent aggressive kids that are 6+ and should know better but either don't or unable to control themselves.

She's not in preschool and hasn't been in daycare since she was 18 months. But no, that wouldn't be an issue anyway. Other than the finger biting incident, she's always been exceptionally well-behaved in public. A few weeks ago she grabbed a toy away from another kid (the only time I'd ever seen her do that) and immediately (of her own volition) apologized and asked if she could use it. She's probably literally the best-behaved kid I have ever met.

Just be honest and tell it like it is.

If she is hitting you, it would be good for us all to put our heads together and figure out if there is anything that can be done to fade that particular behavior, but no, I don't think that will keep her out of YSP.


Best Wishes,
Grinity