Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Several questions

Kids tend to act differently at home than at school. Pay attention to how you react to her inappropriate behavior, and contrast that with what her teacher might do. (Which is not to say that you should act like her teacher; it wouldn't work anyhow, but this exercise might help you see how you can stem the brutishness).

In addition to all the detangler suggestions, how about changing the brush? When we got dd4 a "baby brush", that did the trick -- no more tears. (Though, yes, sometimes I had to still remind her that she needed her hair brushed or cut -- her choice. Hasn't been an issue lately, though.) Showing the cause-effect nature of regularly brushing (and using whatever other hair products) helped, too. Ie, the more you brush, the less tangles you'll have, the less of a hassle it will be.

When she feels like it, dd can brush her own hair, as long as she understands I will come behind her to finish up the job. And I don't bother with the whole ponytail fight. Every once in a while she'll request one -- otherwise, loose is fine. (Except for ballet class, when her hair HAS to be up -- but there's no fight there, because it's coming from the ballet teacher, not mommy.) I think she tends to looks like a wild child, but she gets A LOT of compliments on her hair.

BTDT! Man, it's hard! But, I do remember as a kid how sensitive my head was, so her distress is real, albeit dramatic! Invest in detangling spray, and maybe even a glossing spray to help tame her hair after it's brushed (I found one for just a couple of dollars at Wal-Mart). Offer to spray it on her hair or let her attempt to spray it, and then let her brush it out first before you "check" it. That way when you brush it, it won't hurt as much (assuming she got out most of the tangles!) and you won't get blamed for the pain she's feeling. Get lots of different types of headbands because she can put these in herself (and they have a bunch of different kinds, from elastic thick or thin to hard plastic to embellished with every type of ribbon and flower imaginable). Also, offer her a choice of whether she puts in a headband or you put her hair up in a mary jane or pony tale or braid. As far as cool goes, I've been seeing a ton of headbands lately made for adults, so maybe an adult headband might be a little cooler than a little girl one (I always wanted to be more grown up when I was little). We have a lot of problems here with chlorine from swimming, and it seems to make a huge difference if we make sure her hair is properly cleaned and conditioned by adult products. I agree, though, that it can make it easier to go shorter. Maybe you can talk to her a bit about how she can have long hair or shorter hair and what the ramifications are of each. I happen to be a fan of the chin-length bobs a lot of girls are wearing now -- so cute!

ETA: DD8 has hair that can be washed and conditioned every night but she still wakes up with it tangled. Also, she can brush her hair in the morning, but if nothing else is done to it, it will look like a rats nest 30 minutes later. So, while other people are able to not let hair be a point of contention, I get it if that is not the case for you. However, I totally agree to let it slide if possible to avoid it becoming a battle-ground. I wish!

Oh, and DD8 also is impeccably behaved in public but can be emotional at home. Honestly, I'm just glad it's not the opposite! Really, though, I take it as a sign that she feels safe enough at home to feel all her emotions. And, since she's not in public, it's really not that big a deal to let her cry it out if she wants to. My only rule at home is that, while she can feel whatever way that she wants to and cry all she wants, if she's being loud and disturbing the rest of the family, she has to go into her room to do it.

Good point! Come to think of it, I was always more impatient with my family than with the rest of the world, and that probably has quite a bit to do with it. At home, hopefully, one is free to be oneself -- however unpleasant that may occasionally be.

Oh, this girl lived at my house too at age 3-4. We did just cut it into a short bob for a while. It made life much, much simpler and it grows back fast. It's almost midway down her back at age 6 now that she wants it combed, braided, and pony tailed. Preferably several times a day, often with a change of clothes.

I can relate to the hair woes, except I've got a 6yo boy who doesn't want his hair cut or brushed. I'm letting it go for the summer, but I'm making him get it cut before school starts. Our usual rule is if you can't comb through it, you must get it cut short enough so it doesn't matter if it's combed or not. We see no signs of change....

It's interesting that so many people feel that 4 year olds are 'too young' to have firm opinions. It must be all the movie and TV images portraying 4 year olds as 'real live baby dolls.' My son was adamant about wearing orange socks to daycare. Due to my 'I'd rather switch than fight' attitude, I just bought some orange dye and oranged all his socks, and a few T shirts while I was at it. I got to work on time, and DS was delighted.

But, he did grow up to be a kid who was ok with wanting what he wants. I, on the other hand, was forced through really painful hairbrushing, and that kind of hairdo where the adult pulls it all up high on top of my head and puts that rubber band on super tight. I would have headaches for hours ages 4-6. I complained. Mom said: 'It hurts to be beautiful.' in a tone that let me know that that was the end of the discussion.

To this day I can put up with a lot of discomfort, which is a blessing. DS14 complains that I didn't give him enough chances to see how it feels to 'not get his way.' I still am wearing my hair short, refusing any shoe with a heel of 1 inch or more, refusing any bra except 'sports' bras, dressing for comfort in general, refusing to dye my hair, and make up 'feels yucky' on my skin.

I think my point is that some of us are born very sensitive to things like clothing, smells, textures, hair. How our parents handle that makes a big difference in how we feel about ourselves, but not so much of a difference in how we handle the sensitivities. My DS14 has made a lot of progress, partially, I think, because he is motivated to fill his gender role, partially because he had a lot of parental support to go at his own speed.

So hugs @ chris1234!

It's really hard to 'take in' the aliveness and individuality of our young ones. Whatever you decide, it will help your daughter grow in someways, but not in others - there is no right answer, but there is opportunity to journal, or vent, or post about what it felt like to you to navigate the female role, and what your hopes and fears for your daughter's future are doing to mess up the present.

The great thing about hair is that it grows back. The hard thing is that it's so visible. If you live in a town where all the little girls have long, straight, untangled hair, it's hard to be so visibly different. Untangle the gender parts, and the white/ethnic/racial thing as best you can and find a solution that works for you.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Hi, thanks all for the many responses! My dh reminds me that is it so much easier with enough time (getting the hair thing done). I have tried more and more to go soooooper gently, so this definitely does help. I will for sure get some of the good sounding products; we had detangler for a while but it didn't quite get the job done so I think I will try the silk stuff that Katelyn's mom mentions too; sounds powerful.
Grinity, thanks for the post; I love the 'detangle the gender parts'! We do have some tangling over here for sure. We live in a pretty open community, short hair for girls would be ok, but she does ballet and it really is nice for her to have the 'bun' when everyone else does.
We had it bobbed for a bit but the bun really suffered! (normally I wouldn't care about that either, but she LOVES ballet and is so serious about it, I want her to have the whole package, and I think she does too...)

I will dig around for articles on the social pros and cons of skipping; if I find something good I will post it.

It is possible she is getting less sleep and this is affecting her mood after school, but I think it might be more of just letting loose at home because she can't or doesn't think she can do so at the preschool.
We are hoping to have her in k in the fall so maybe this will help too.

this is good...http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10379.aspx

Even if she 'could' let loose at school, the social cost would be super high. The cost was high on my son, and he had the 'boys will be boys' defense to fall back on (talk about tangled gender things) but girls who step out of line at school are opening themselves up for some high costs. Some do anyway, but the ones who are high EQ enough to dodge it, often will save it up for home. There are lots of references to gifted kids being more androgenous than ND kids. Who knows if it's even true. But if it is, my thought is that it's the kind of androgenous where they have LOTS of qualities that match their gender expectations and rather a lot of qualities that don't match, instead of being 'half way in the middle' or 'rather neither' although amoung us here I'll bet we could find plenty of kids in every catagory.

I love that when you slow down things go better, and I hope that the products work for you. I was thinking that maybe you could keep a picture of her bun for her to hold while you do her hair so she could keep her eyes on the goal.

Maybe a good compromise is bangs to eliminate the barrettes, while keeping the back hair long for the bun?

Love and More Love,
Grinity

We had the "you can't cut your hair because of ballet" issue, too. We're fortunate enough to have lots of studios in the area, and found one that has a very loose dress code - kids come in just about anything, and which pretty much every hairstyle and length imaginable, which helped a lot. When half the kids have too-short-to-bun hair, no one feels left out without a bun.