Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion DD struggling to make decisions

Hi all,

Over the past 6 months dd4 has had issues making decisions. She seems desperate to make the right decision and because she often likes more than one option, she becomes completely paralysed. For example if I ask her to get her shoes, I'll discover her sitting on the floor with her two favorite pairs of shoes completely unable to decide which ones she wants to wear. During her dance class yesterday she held up the whole class 3 times because she couldn't decide whether or not she wanted glitter on her hand, which coloured ribbon to choose or where to sit. At the dentist they offered her the chance to choose a toy after her consultation and she so long considering the options, in the end they just gave her one - which she wasn't happy with.

It has been suggested to me that we try and limit the the choices available to her, however I don't know that this is the answer. Certainly in situations where there is a short time frame I now say 'because we don't have much time, I'm going to choose your shoes for you' (or whatever else is relevant), but when she knows we have plenty of time she wants to be able to be able to make choices about what she wears etc. Similarly there are so many times she's asked to make a choice by others - at kinder, dance class, swimming, friends and family. I certainly don't think we ask her to make inappropriate decisions - I talking about things like dressing, eating (to a certain extent), activities and play and little things like the above examples.

When we did try limiting even those choices for a short while, we ended up with other behavioral problems, I suspect because she felt like we were being unreasonable (and I think we were - so my heart wasn't in it either!). If I put a time limit on choices (which is my current method of dealing with this situation - otherwise she will literally spend half and hour trying to choose between shoes!), and she has not made a choice within that time (which she inevitably hasn't), I either make the choice or remove her from the situation (say choosing a magazine at a shop - we just don't get a magazine). She melts down and becomes absolutely enraged.

Often she will ask for help choosing and in the past we would go through the pros and cons of the choices, but it made no difference to her ability to make a decision and having us involved just seemed to prolong the process. So now we ask her what she thinks the pros and cons of the choices are, but that doesn't seem to help either - as there will inevitably be something that renders each equally appealing, but in different ways. We've explained about there not always being a best choice and that often the option to choose the alternative will come again in the future (for example, she can always where the other shoes tomorrow, choose the other coloured ribbon next week, etc)

The problem is that I am now starting to get frustrated with her, which now only makes the whole situation more fraught. I realise all this might seem off topic, but suspect this all ties in to her perfectionism (and her ability to see the benefits of the options available to her), which we've been able to combat on lots of levels, but seems to have found an outlet in this!

Has anyone experienced this? Any tips?

Thanks!

We have the same thing going on with DS10. It comes and goes, but we're in the thick of it again, currently. I don't really have any advice, so I'll be watching this thread with interest. One thing that we do is to tell him that there isn't a "wrong" answer to whatever choice he's having a difficult time making. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not, but I want him to see that these types of things aren't life or death, and therefore, aren't worth the stress he's causing himself (or us). IOW, if he can't decide between chicken nuggets or a burger, I remind him that I'm pretty sure he'll have an opportunity to choose the other one at some point in the future.

I'm hoping it gets better with time.

My 12 year old son always takes time to really look at all options before making a decision. From a very early age he realized that if he chose one thing, he couldn't do or have the other and it really bothered him if he thought he made the wrong decision, so he took his time. He used to try to get me to help him make decisions, but then he would blame me if it didn't work out so I quit helping him. He is better about this now that he is older. He has never been impulsive and this can be a good thing. He doesn't buy anything without checking prices and customer reviews and he doesn't choose to do anything without thinking it through and visualizing different scenarios. I think he will avoid some of the problems his somewhat impulsive adult siblings had if he continues looking at all options and making the best decisions he can possibly make with the information available to him.

DD 3.2 has just started to have a lot of problems making decisions....i find more so when she is tired, but to the point the oter day she had 2 purple markers (exactly the same) and she just could not chose. I really don't know what to do about it but wanted to offer sympathy.

Thanks all for your replies (amazedmom, we have had the same marker problem in the past too!).

It is reassuring to know it's not unusual. I will definitely give the preparing in advance thing ago - that's a great idea, I've tried it a bit in the past but never to the same extent and it always petered out. I re-read my paragraph about limiting choices and realised I hadn't really said what I'd meant to. We do currently limit her choices (2 options for breakfast, clothes etc), but had tried really limiting them (I got a lot of responses to this question elsewhere suggesting that I simply remove all choices for dd as other parents had found it resulted in a lot less stress for their kids - I was skeptical about this - from my perspective this didn't seem helpful long term. Even in the short term we tried it, it was a disaster - particularly because I didn't really believe in it).

I can see how pre-planning could also reduce my need to use a time limit too (which are quite long - for example I might say "we're going to look at the magazines for 10 minutes, but then we'll have to go. If you haven't chosen one by then we wont buy one now, but you can continue to have a think about it and we can come back another time". Which all sounds very straightforward when I write it down - but never is in practice because then it adds the 'choice' of making a decision then or waiting to make the best choice and missing out now. So it always ends with a very upset girl!) Hmm... mind is whizzing with the possibilities of pre-planning and how we could apply that (Lori - I love that your son checks out prices and reviews - dd loves a bit of research, so perhaps I could get her having a look at her options online before we go and buy a gift/book/toy etc) and of course, setting up clothes and food options in advance is good common sense, which I shall apply

I guess other than that we'll just continue to work with her to help her understand that ultimately what her decisions aren't life or death and hope she grows out of it (or should I say into it - I like that you mentioned that you mentioned the positives of not being impulsive Lori, I will think of that when I am feeling frustrated!).

Thanks all.