Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Always answering questions

My son and I were talking today about the situation where the young girl committed suicide after being bullied too much. He had heard enough of the story to ask how someone could be bullied so much.

That led to a discussion about the fact that I was the victim of bullying when I was in 5th - 8th grade. I was teased endlessly by a group that I had always identified as my friends. I am old enough that bullying was not addressed as it is today and my parents did not do much of anything about the "teasing." In retrospect one of the reasons I was probably targeted was my propensity to answer questions in school. I was oblivious to this at the time. I knew enough to not get involved in the "what did you get on that test" discussions, and would quietly put away my A, while those around me bemoaned their C's and D's, but did not realize that I was hurting myself by always having my hand up.

At this point in our conversation, it came out that my son (second grade) has been teased about being "perfect" and always "having to be perfect." He admitted that he doesn't put his hand up as much as he used to, which is saying a lot. He is the type who will answer any question (including rhetorical ones ) I have had friends comment that he doesn't come off as a show off or a know-it-all, just someone who hears a question and answers it in a matter of fact manner.

Has anyone else faced this situation and if so, how did you deal with it. I don't want him to have to change who he is, or make apologies for what he knows, but is it ok to tell him that he doesn't have to put his hand up quite so often? I don't want to over-react based on my personal history.

Thanks,
Karen

My DS has a tendency to answer all questions as well as ask a bunch of his own and often without raising his hand or waiting for the teacher to finish. It came out in a conversation one day that he wanted to make sure the teacher knew that he knew the answer. When I explained that the teacher DID know he knew and maybe he would hear some other interesting ideas if he sat back sometimes he seemed to ease up.

Please don't take this as criticism, but we all know how these kids take our ideas and interpret them. I would tread very carefully. Your son may interpret your statement of your experiences as well as what he heard to think that people who are gifted are asking for trouble and that it is something he should be ashamed of or hide.

The second reason I would tread carefully is that often it doesn't work anyway. I remember a class discussion when I was twelve and thought I was pretty good at not answering questions. The teacher went out of the room and somehow the class got talking and one of the boys (a boy who was having difficulty in school) said that I was really smart, but that I wasted it, and that I knew all the answers but didn't say anything.

What I'm getting at is that if you are gifted, the other kids know, whether you answer the questions or not. And if they are going to tease about it, they will, answering questions or not.

If you bring it up, maybe do it from a manners point of view, that we try to give everyone a chance to say something in a conversation?

Thanks GeoMamma, your points are what I am worried about. I don't want him to think he shouldn't answer questions or that he should hide that he is smart. I have not and would not share with him the story of my hiding my tests.

Our church has a children's service where they are given a chance to answer questions and we have started to tell him to let the younger children get the easy ones, which he seems to understand and does nicely.

The class knows he knows more than they do - last year his first grade teacher told us the kids all liked to let him answer, but in a good way. What a difference a year makes!

I also like Breakaway's idea of mentioning he might hear something interesting if he gives others a chance to answer.

Yes, I like that too, Breakaway. It's good advise for life too.

One thing that helped our son was better understanding why teachers ask questions. A bit part of why they ask is to be able to gauge how well the class is understanding the material. It is important for that reason to allow a variety of people in the class to answer. I like the suggestion to let some of the younger kids get the easier questions. It can be a game to learn to wait for the toughest questions - that will impress the teacher the most too.