Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion hiding skills to fit in?

DS5 is very different then the peers in his class...academically and regarding interests for the most part. He skipped K and is in first grade. He has a lot of differentiated work that is about 5th grade+ material and computer programs he does in the classroom...so surely the other kids notice this. He tells me how they are always saying "you are so smart" and how annoying it is to him.

So the other day he came home with this paper about Dr. Seuss. I noticed on the back that words were spelled wrong and his p's and g's were written backwards. He never spells things wrong or writes like that. I told him that he must have accidently picked up the wrong student's paper (as this has happened a few times before). He looked at it and said "No, that's mine....sometimes I like to pretend that I am a first grader and write like the other kids."

So I have such mixed feelings about this. He hasn't done this before and has never hidden any of his knowledge from my observations. He knows he is different and had mentioned that he doesn't have things in common with some of the kids, but he gets excited when he finds out that he does (like if they like the same video game or eat the same granola bar, etc.). He enjoys school, or at least tells us he does. He is a very social kid. When he said that I explained that he is a first grader, but that he just does above level work most of the time and that is okay, that he should never feel uncomfortable about what he knows or pretend that he doesn't know things to try to fit in.

Any thoughts, has anyone else had a situation like this before with a child?

good point, he may not be hiding skills at all. I am not sure if that is what he is doing. I just had heard that some kids do hide their skills like that, and was surprised when he did that on his paper. Another plausible thing he could be doing is just trying to make the assignment more interesting as it was way to easy. It is more challenging to have to think about how to mispell and miswrite letters.


That sounds a lot like DS. Thanks for sharing!

Two things came to mind in reading the original post.

First - like the PP said, kids will come up with creative ways to make the work less boring. Trying to make their work look like another kids' would qualify. My concern would be that if this creative coping takes over, it is a sign that the class is a bad fit. A little bit of this is good - too much means things aren't working well.

Second - like my grandmother always said - kids go through stages. Even if he is hiding his skills, it is likely just a stage and not something to worry about. He'll grow his way out of it.

Deal is - kids do have to learn how to be themselves and not hide their abilities, and yet balance that with not being obnoxious either. They will overshoot one way and then the other before they finally hit the right balance. All of those mis-steps are just stages that they have to grow throug on the path to becoming themselves.

Now.... if he starts to hide his abilities from you, that is a different thing. If that becomes a habit, then you have something to take more seriously.

Mary

Agree totally. I do the same thing. If I go full on with most people, they just go numb and there is very little comprehension. Keep it short and simple and in the vernacular.

I was just about to write this same thing. There's a difference between getting along with others and pushing one's self under so as to be (falsely) accepted for someone one is not. The former is smart and healthy; the latter is often unhealthy and can lead to serious problems.

Getting along is good. Experimenting with roles one could choose can even be good when one is a child. But trying to be something different--someone less capable--because one is not accepted as one is is not usually healthy.

It's a continuum, of course. But if I saw my child "pretending" to be less capable, I'd be nervous, too! It seems to me the reason why the pretending is happening is the key. If it's a response to teasing or to feeling out of place, then that's a problem. If it's just an experiment, spurred only by the child's observation of those around him, then I'd be less concerned.

FWIW...

I agree! This is exactly what my DS9 does!

He used to complain that kids his own age don't understand what he says because of his advanced vocabulary. (They used to tease him by calling him an "alien".) As he developed more social skills over the years, he has learned how to adjust his language depend on the "target audience". He carefully chooses "words" that typical kids his age use when he interacts with his peers in class, but talks more like "himself" among older peers and adults. He has a deficit in his social skills, so he needed to be taught this particular copying skill. Shellymos, it seems to me that your son has pretty well-developed social awareness for his young age, and since he is a very social kid, I think he is trying to relate to his peer by "writing like the other kids".

Hmmm...But choosing different words that mean basically the same thing is about trying to communicate effectively. That's different than intentionally doing things wrong on an assignment.

Thanks for the responses everyone. Good points. I am definitely not overly concerned about it, just curious and hoping it is not a sign of something more, and just wondering if other kids have had similar behaviors.

I do think it is more of an experiment and not that he is being teased or trying to be like the other kids. I doubt he even showed the other kids his paper with everything misspelled. He definitely enjoys having different work then his classmates, but says to me that sometimes he likes to do the work that the other kids do not because he likes that work, but because he wants to do what they are doing. But frequently he is eager to do things on his own in the class and enjoys that as well. He has made comments about substitutes and has said things like "they thought I was like all the other kids so I had to do their work." So it is clear he feels different sometimes, but he gets happy when he finds similarities (like some kids that are interested in the computer games he likes...and he was happy yesterday because he wrote down a website for a girl to play games at home because she was interested in what he was doing and she asked him about it). So I do think he tries to fit in some, but fitting in isn't a huge deal to him. But I could be wrong. He hums in school and he says sometimes the kids get annoyed and ask him to stop. He says he tells them that he will try but sometimes he can't help it. This doesn't seem to bother him that it annoys them (and might I add it is pretty funny to hear him hum flight of the bumble bee). Last spring when he was 4 and we were at the park and another boy around his age came over to him on the swings. He started acting kind of goofy with the kid and playing tag but was over the top with the silliness. As soon as the other boy left DS started acting all serious and mature and talking to me about math equations. It was clear that he intentionally didn't do that when they were around. This has happened lots of times. I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing to change what you are doing and how you are approaching others at times, providing you don't lose your sense of self and providing that he finds times when he can be that way with true peers. He sometimes he assumes that others aren't all that interested in certain subjects so he doesn't bother bringing them up at all...and you never know, they could be interested.

I think you're approaching this in a smart way, FWIW.

One other thought that comes to me: concern with fitting in often has more to do with personality, I think, than anything else. Extroverts tend to care more about it than introverts, for example. Especially if the introverts have some outlet/s for discussing their interests.

I think I'd talk about it with him in a laidback way, just to be sure he's experimenting. I'd probably discuss the pros and cons of intentionally doing less well on schoolwork. That could come back to bite him if you want to try to advocate with the school at some point, and I really do think that is qualitatively different than being silly with friends on the playground to get along with others, you know?

Thanks Kriston,
He happened to do this on a worksheet that was never handed in, just something he was supposed to do on his own. I don't think he would mess up on a sheet to hand in. He doesn't like to get things wrong. I definitely will bring it up if I see any more signs coming my way. I don't want to push it if he was just playing around...but if I see more errors or less effort being put forth I will bring it up with him casually. He does tend to not try sometimes at things that are WAY too easy. Like in the past he has scribbled on papers that have basic addition. But thankfully that hasn't happened in a while and he they are giving him more appropriate stuff.