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Hi,

I'm venting.

I am separated from my DS8's father and have been since just before his first birthday. He sees his father regularly but his father has never shown an interest in DS's schooling, extra-curricula activities etc. The best way I can describe it is that when he goes to his dad's, its like he disappears off the face of the earth. Never the twain shall meet.

We've found a way to work with that.

This has left me, however, as the one to recognise there was something going on with DS, get him assessed, advocate for him and make all of the decisions about that. In the end after much heartache, research and discussion that only you would understand his school decided to accelerate him and I agreed.

His father was invited to school meetings with teachers from day one, sent reminders about parent-teacher interviews and invited to the report presentation from DS's testing etc but has chosen not to attend any of it. This is why I was left to make all of the decisions. He chose not to take part.

He has received a copy of all assesments, school reports and any academic competitions DS has completed.

NOW he has decided to discuss it.

Apparently
- DS isn't gifted, his report results just say Very Superior
- Gifted parents are all pushy, arrogant people who just want their kids to be the best,
- Acceleration is bad for DS because when he gets to high school the girls won't like him and will shun him because they can't go out with him as he is too young
- He can't be gifted because he can't do Brain Training on the DS very well
- When I 'push' him to go to University he'll fail because he's been told he's very smart and at Uni he'll be working with other very smart people too and he won't be the smartest anymore
- He can't be gifted because while he can get from A to B he can't plan to do it and 'just does it' without understanding the how. For example, when he gets older and has to go to the pool to pick-up the kids and do shopping he won't be able to work out that he can go on the way to the pool as the shopping centre is right by the pool
- I'm pushing him to grow up too fast because he has accelerated and because I take him to the museum, the art gallery, the science museum etc.

I could go on but I won't bore you with the rest.

OK just one more. After all of this he told me his 2.5yr old DS has shown more signs of giftedness than our DS ever did because he can count to 10 and ride a bike.

How you can consider one child gifted and blatantly disregard the other one's obvious giftedness is beyond me.

Its just hard sometimes to be solely responsible for the decisions about your child's future and then to actually have to fight the only other person in the world who should understand the most and so obviously doesn't, and doesn't want to.

Vent over

Thanks for the Vent and Welcome.
Does DS8's dad have any legal decision making power over you? IF not 'yippee!'

It does stink that you don't get more support from him, but like so many family members, some get it and some don't.

LoL on the 'only Very Superior!'

If you can apply to Davidson YSP, do it, it might (or might not) make an impression.

Most people who grew us gifted, just do not understand that there are levels of Giftedness, that require very different action-plans. I sure didn't.

Maybe give him Ruf's 5 levels of giftedness as a present, 'since his DS2.5 is showing so many signs of giftedness.'

Most intact couples come to 'get' their children at different rates. Most Gifted Adults have plenty of baggage of their own 'one way or another.'

((hugs))
Grinity

I have been (and to some extend still are) where you are. My DSs dad and I divorced right before he turned one. He does go there regularly but I don't think that his dad sees what I does. It's funny because sometimes even a year after he's doing something (reading or addition for example) his dad will call to excitedly tell me and I have to point out that he's been doing that thing forever.

Until recently he didn't want to hear that DS was gifted and he didn't want me testing him. He didn't want him in gifted classes because they would make him weird and even recently told me that I don't need to push for him to move up in reading because reading isn't really that important in life.

It's frustrating when it seems like you're fighting a battle against the schools and then there's another person that you're having to battle too..and it's the person that should want as much for your child as you do.

I don't want to post too much about my situation on a public board but it's been tough at times to say the least.

I decided at some point to do what I think is best. I'm the one that's most involved in school and that does homework with him and sees what he can do. I am the one that calls the school and the one that the school calls when there are issues. Since I decided to do that I still keep him up to date and he's been much easier to deal with. He's even started to agree with me on some things

Good luck and do what you know is best for your son. There will always be people in your life and his that think you're doing things wrong (whether it be about gifted issues or sports or discipline, etc) but you have to trust yourself to make the right decisions for your son.

If this conversation with him leads to him coming around, then its good.

If its about power, then that's another topic.

Thanks for the hugs Grinity - much appreciated

Jamie B - nice to hear from someone in a similar situation, thanks for the advice

Austin - could you please clarify for me - not sure who's power you're referring to and over what? (And I may be being over-sensitive)

I need to actually tell my DH this some more.

You are the one doing the research, talking to other parents, seeing him among peers, doing Home work with him, observing how school effects him, taking him to doctor appointments, ect. So you are more qualified to make school decisions and can come up with lots of expert's advice to back you up. Therefore you are more qualified to make the decisions. Would he like to do the research to support his ideas? His decisions may be based on his life experiences but your are more qualified to support the final decisions. So he should be able to express his opionins and be heard but this is your job. He needs to have more faith in you.

I'm sorry this is so hard. I hope it gets better for you.

This is just a life in general lesson I have learned. People like this get distracted by the next shiny thing and he will totally drop this. Just don't talk to him about it anymore and I personally would not send him any more results etc. That will just encourage him. He has shown no interest in this before, I guarantee you he will drop it.

I also would be willing to BET there is some kind of jealousy going on with the mother of the 2.5 yo and that is why all of this has been brought up. Some people have to push others down to feel better about themselves and some people view their child's intelligence as some reflection of their parenting skills.

GL to you!

Some people will throw a bunch of BS up and then when they see you take the bait, use it to distract you or otherwise switch topics.

By power I mean that he may be finding your emotional pressure points and using them against you indirectly in order to cause doubt in your mind.

Thanks all. I appreciate the kind words.

BB Wolf I hadn't thought about it from that perpective - it was a little cloudy up in my head so thank-you.

And to you to onthegomom, of course this happens in together families too (again I hadn't looked at it from that angle), I'm sure that must be even bit harder.

Austin there is a long history of that and you're right. Just when you think you're used to it and have developed a coping strategy along comes a bad day.

I'm much better now; after my vent and reading all of your positive messages.

Thanks