Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How do you deal with back-chat?

I was wondering if any veteran parents could give me some advice...

My son is 6 and is getting to be a chronic back-chatter. Every request from me is met with endless balking, negotiating and talking back. It's like having a mini teenager in the house. He always has a "better" idea than what I'm asking him to do. He uses precocious, "adult" arguments with me, like, "Why are you always bossing me around and telling me what to do? It's very rude!"

I try to let him have some control over some decisions so he doesn't feel too powerless, but some things are not negotiable (like how much TV he can watch, or when to get ready for school).

I am having difficulty taking the high ground and not just yelling at him, "You do it, because I said so!" He's much more outspoken with me than I would have ever dreamed of being with my parents.

Arrggh... any suggestions?

I stay calm and say, "Sorry. House rules." Kids can't argue with the house. Staying firm even when I'm tired seems to be a big factor, too.

I also come down harder when people make my life harder. So if they argue after the decision is made, I make the decision worse for them, not better. The more they argue, the harder my life, the harder I make their lives. This seems to really work well. I get very little backtalk.

I do allow a period for debate sometimes before I've made up my mind. I like the idea of teaching them when discussion and persuasive speech is acceptable. But once the decision is made, further talk is prohibited.

The "Bossing me around/That's rude" stuff would be met with a time out or some other such discipline. When they pay the bills, they get to make their own decisions. Until then, there is a clear hierarchy and I'm at the top of it. That's not EVER open for debate. If nothing else, the law says that I am responsible for them!

Most gifted kids hate following rules when they don't understand the reasoning behind them. Answering with "because I said so" is about as effective as saying "because soup is wet". They need things explained, and often prefer an explanation on an adult level. It sounds like your son is challenging you using "adult" logic, which to me suggests he wants you to discuss your decision in an adult way.

And I'm not a parent, but as a teacher, I figure if I can't adequately explain a rule or decision, I probably didn't have the right to enforce it to begin with.

Thanks for the advice, all. I think you're right, zhian -- he does want a good reason and would definitely prefer to have a conversation about the whys than do what he's asked without question. Which is OK, up to a point, but then it just becomes wrangling and, I suspect, stalling...

My thought would be it's stalling if he wants the same rule explained twice!

I went through a phase when I was three when I decided to fight my mom on things I'd always done without trouble before - buttoning my coat, wearing my seatbelt, things like that. We'd fight for half an hour or more, then she'd suddenly explain it in the right way and I'd say "oh, okay" and never take issue with it again. I get the feeling it was hit-and-miss for her what level of explanation was adult enough for me to accept it without feeling like I was being fobbed off, but not so adult I had trouble grasping the concept of it.

Great thread!

zhian, great advice. I never thought to explain things at an adult level before, but the more I think of the ways he rations/explains things I think that would be a big help.

My DS5 also has problems with authority. He now knows that, until he is 18, as the mom I am in charge of any and all things related to ....

1. Health/Nutrition (both physical and mental)
2. Safety
3. Manners

These three things cover a lot of stuff. Sometimes I let "natural consequences" be their own lesson. For example, when he was in preschool last year he was refusing to get dressed without a major battle ensuing. Finally (with cooperation from the school) I let him go to school naked. He thought it was great fun until we pulled up in front of the school and he freaked. No problems getting dressed anymore!

LOL!!!!!!!

Eleanor05, that sounds so much like "Love & Logic". I love that parenting series.

FWIW, we ran into this same roadblock with providing explanations for things. We ended up explaining to DS that there are times we would provide an explanation/reason for our rule/answer, but that it was our *choice*, not a requirement. Basically, "I'm happy to provide you an explanation when I can or choose to, but there are times that I can't or simply won't." DS really got out of hand with trying to discuss each and every thing, and we felt that this had the potential to carry over into EVERY aspect - school, extra-curriculars, etc. - and not everyone is going to entertain such things. We wanted to be sure that he also understood that there were/are times and places for discussion/reasoning, but also for compliance without argument...even if he doesn't agree or just plain ol' doesn't like it.

Just a thought.