Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Ummm that went well (sarcastic) Major SIL Vent LOL

Thank you all. I have shaken it off.. I just really needed to vent after spending 3 days with her LOL. There were times that she would say something positive about DD and her abilities, but it was almost in the next breath that she had to discount it by saying something completely opposite. Such as one time she said dd would be so far ahead by the time she started school that she would be grade levels ahead and homeschooling would probably be best because it would be worrying for DD to be with kids so much older....in literally the next breath she made the comment about reading being from memory and kids who read at dd's age forgeting it all by K. So it was very frusterating and confusing.

I had been asked by MIL to hide dd's abilities so to speak, and I chose not to. They need to accept her for who she is. So while I did not talk about DD's abilitis, I also let dd be herself, bring the things she wanted to, etc.

Who knows maybe I was colored by what MIL had asked me to do, and took things wrong, but I am over it. And one good thing that came out of all of this.....I am really appreciating my child's boundless energy and kookiness LOL. I always wished dd would sit still more and nap still and be quite, but after being around a child who does makes me realize I would be bored LOL. And today I am appreciating the incessent chatter and movement lOL

I'm with you 100% there. Why should your daughter have to pretend to be someone she isn't? She has a right to be the person she is. You go, girl!

Val

Your SIL was just intimidated and made herself feel better by the things she said. I'm sorry you had that uncomfortable experience.

Most of the time, people react positively to my DD, but sometimes I can see parents of same age children cringe and people do ask her age and raise eyebrows.

I get so annoyed when people assume I sit around drilling things into my DD. Truth be told, we goof off most of the time, but yes, I do speak to her like she is an intelligent human being who deserves a reasonable answer and she is very curious. I was so offended when I took her to her first day of preschool and they spoke to her in a slow simple way that seemed downright silly to me. She must have wondered why they were asking such stupid questions like, "What color is that pumpkin you are coloring?"

My kid is still a baby, but I keep comming on here for unknown reasons... Anyway, his dad tells me I answer his questions in too much detail, and that I interpret his signals "too ambitiously."

And his dad *was* a gifted kid (IQ 150+, accellerated a few grades in a special school, etc).

I keep not telling him what my son did in a day, and letting him see it "first," but that's not going to work much longer, becasue we're starting to get more than isolated words.

Anyway, his dad just gets sour, for lack of a better word, about the early milestones and he's getting more and more dense to communication -- to the point where I don't really like leaving them alone much becasue when I return the kid is just livid. I don't really know how to deal with this, becasue I want to honour his father's parenting style... But I also know that the kid took his first longish walks two months ago, and is now not walking becase he's nervous (he walks _much_ more around me), and to me that's not really ok. And winding up with an angry kid after an hour or so is very much not ok.

Arg?

-Michaela
** standard disclaimer: it's waaaaay to early to know if DS is actually gifted, yadda, yadda, yadda, so this may not actually apply to anyone else here.

I did create the term 'ND' to mean 'normally developing' instead of 'not gifted' because I specifically wanted a term for kids who DO NOT have asynchronous development, and do things the way the book says. Some of these kids will grow up to be brillient and do amazing things, but to all appearances as children, they are within the cultural expectations of 'normal development.'

So in fact, I think if folks are using the term ND as I intended, there is at least a 'poster' if not a poster child for ND.

On one hand, if we look for something we find it. OTOH, we have 'extra sensitive' receptors, so sometimes we find stuff we weren't looking for and feel weird, then relieved when things come to light. I used to think that I had a special detector of 'elephants in the living room.' That seems to have calmed down now that I'm friends with my own elephant (my gifted brain)

Thanks for posting CFK - I love to read what you write.
Grinity

Amazedmom, really feel for you, I don't think it was nice for them to act like this, but unfortunally some people feel threatened by what they don't understand



LOL my SIL said something to this affect when my DD was about your DD's age, my response was "65 pages?" , by the way she's 6 now and reads at a high school level.

just keep shaking

LOL Michaela - You are welcome to stay.

I strongly encourage you to keep encouraging that Father - child relationship. One of them will 'break' at some point if they keep hitting that wall hard enough - it is heard to watch though.

By leaving your child with their Father, even if DC expresses a lot of frustration when you return, you are sending the message that DC is strong enough to handle to frustration of being with a 'less than perfect' caregiver. I'm assuming that Dad is 'normal' but not 'pathological.'

Since this is a 'less than perfect' world, that is such a valuable lesson! Painful, yes, but So Valuable. Really, I've been down this road, and the better you do now, the less pain later.

Hints:
Spend time alone with DH.
Ask DH to tell you about himself as an gifted ex-child.
Learn to deal with your own 'perfectionism' - both 'inner directed' and 'outer directed' Join my joke about:

"Gifted Means: Never having to say 'It's good enough.'" ((Love Story Reference)

Sincere appreciation for everything DH does that is remotely right.

Take care of yourself as best you can. Do not let having a child with special needs prevent your from self nurturing as needed. In the long run, this will strengthen your child.

One of the problems with being gifted (yes, you dear) is that we remember every wrong so intensely. Then we set out to correct all these wrongs for our child(ren) and drive everyone around us nuts.

Oh well!

love and more love,
Grinity

I agree with Grins... CFK, you are spot on! I am guilty as the next, spending so much time focusing on the differences and failing to note the similarities.

At this very moment my DS 2.6 is sobbing because I am refusing to go into his cave (a blanket over a chair). It's one of his favorite games right now and I will play it with him at least a couple times a day, but not every time he asks. On the other hand DH does it whenever asked, DH really doesn't feel comfortable letting DS cry. DS is well used to both our styles. DH is more fun more of the time than I am, but we are both important to DS and I think my refusing to assist or play with him sometimes is helpful for him to develop some independence and ability to help or soothe himself. DS is used to my new style enough now (when he was a baby I picked him up or interacted with him immediately if he wanted it) that when I refuse something he cries, but only for a minute, and then moves right along to doing something else. I see him do all kinds of novel and imaginative things while entertaining himself that he doesn't do with DH.

Having said that, that there can be something good to come out of being ignored, it obviously would be a poor parent who ignored their child all the time or any time when the child truly needed assistance (stuck, very hungry, etc). If that's the case then maybe your DH isn't around the child enough to feel connected with them, or enough to understand his current needs (he may still be stuck thinking the child is a couple months younger, easy to happen if dad is not around a lot). So either more time with him or maybe some detailed suggestions for activities to do with him could be useful.

Polly

I completely agree, Grinity, and I'm glad you explained this as you did. Thank you!

All kids are different, of course, and all kids learn different things at different rates, gifted or no. That's just human. But if there weren't a range of "normal development" that meets the needs of most of the population, there would be no "What to Expect" books and no lists of milestones that pediatricians check for.

This should not become an excuse for stereotyping *anyone*, of course. I hope we would all be very wary of that. That would mean falling into what I think is an unfair stereotype for GT families, actually: thinking that GTness is somehow better. It's not better. Just different in some ways. But the same in other ways.

As for seeing what you look for: I am reminded of the joke-saying "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you." Sometimes you get what you expect, and sometimes it's there regardless of whether you expected it or not.

I remember vividly the first time I was met with a "He did NOT just read that!" from someone. It wasn't a bragging thing--I was just quietly responding (privately) to my toddler son as I always did, not even thinking about someone else overhearing. I certainly wasn't expecting that reaction to what I did everyday, many, many times a day! But it was there. After that, I got a lot more careful about how I spoke to my kids in public. Nothing like being jumped on in a Kindermusik class by a whole group of mothers to make you realize that your "normal" is not the norm...

Let's face it, if that reaction didn't exist "in nature," most of us wouldn't need this forum...