Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Regrets???

Has anybody had their child hang on to a regret for an inordinate amount of time?

Our DD6 keeps giving us the same story every time she gets a chance to wish/ask for something. She had a princess activity book and she decided to cut out a few pictures one day to make a collage out of and she regrets it deeply. She even went through the garbage cans in the house that evening to try to find the left over scraps of paper the cut out pictures came from so she could try to glue the pictures back into the book! It has been over a year now and it is always the thing she talks about when she mentions any regrets. The other day she wrote in her notebook that she wanted Santa to help her forget her worries this Christmas. When we asked her what she was worrying about, she said over the regret of cutting up her princess book.

DH and I are dumbstruck that she has held onto this incident for so long. It still reduces her to tears to even think about it, forget about talking about it.

Any ideas of what to do about this? Should Santa bring a replacement book this year? (If I could remember which book it was that is)

Santa should bring a replacement book! Sounds like your DD has the typical emotional intensity that some gifted kids have -- as well as the perfectionism ("WHY did I cut up my book???") I wouldn't worry about it.

I hear that gifted girls especially fret over their mistakes. Obviously as parents we have to teach them that they will make mistakes, and they need to learn to try again, or look for new ways to solve a problem.

Try telling that to my DD8 who is already at an early intermediate stage in her piano lessons! She expects everything to be easy; well, music can be as tough as you want it to be, and she occasionally rebels against having to practice something over and over again. I think it's good for her to have the challenge.

Oh, Kerry, I feel for your daughter--life is hard when you can't let things go (says she from sad experience...)

Here's something I used to try (at about the same age) when I was "full of wist," as Frenchie says: I visualized a big filing cabinet, inside of a big safe. I mentally wrapped up my regret in brown paper, with lots of tape and string, put it in the cabinet, locked up the safe, and every time I felt the regret coming back, I'd say to myself, "Nope, you're locked up, I'm thinking about something else now." It usually worked--maybe something similar might help?

peace
minnie

Edited to add: A later refinement of this technique was to make an appointment with myself; if regrets popped up, I'd think, "Fine, I'll make an appointment to deal with this at five o'clock on Tuesday, at which time I can spare twenty minutes." Then, I'd cry or worry or whatever for exactly twenty minutes at five o'clock on Tuesday, and then that particular regret very rarely resurfaced. Hope that helps a bit.

Minniemarx, Thanks for the idea, I'll try it with her. She may think I'm crazy at first, but it's definitely worth a shot.
It just kills me that she is full of regret already, and that she can express it!

Well, Santa did bring a replacement book, but it is not exactly the same. (I couldn't find the same version ) And I am happy to report that DD6 is thrilled with it! We talked about how Santa must have known she regretted cutting up her other book and replaced it with an even better one. She thought about it for a minute and agreed that he must have.
Now as long as DD2 doesn't get her hands on it......

We had an experience like this with DS. At the time I didn't know it was a big deal. When he was 4 or 5 we went to a store to get a stuffed animal. He deliberated heavily between a monkey and a cat. The cat was actually exactly like a cat he had had since an infant. In the end he chose the cat. Two years later I found him in tears sobbing in his room. Reason - he felt sorry for the monkey who did not end up with a home because he chose the cat!
This is very scary to me when I think about it because he carries such intense feelings for things I wouldn't anticipate. It makes me wonder what he carries around about people and more intense situations.