Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Insight and Tranquility

Hi TommyH,

I'm just reading a book called "smart girls" and it has tough me a lot about myself. I bought it to learn about my daughter. Someone here said that there is one for boys too ("smart boys"), I might get it for my husband.

I have read and experienced that it is very common to feel overwhelmed by school when it changes. I personally had a small dent in my confidence when I started high school. I tough that I was supposed to know all the math and it was a shock to see that in advanced math I was actually supposed to learn something new. Same thing happened in first semester in grad school, I failed an exam the first time in my life and almost could not handle it. I took me a year to find the courage to redo the exam and I had nightmares about not graduating because of this relatively easy class.

You have to believe in yourself and keep on trying. At some point it is not that much about being smart or gifted it is more about how much you are willing to work. It is especially hard to work towards something you do not prefer but those things have to be done too. Trust me I know it, I'm still struggling with laziness (should be working but actually I'm here LOL)

You seem to know you are different and smart. Try to believe in yourself and work towards your goals. You do not need to be one of the best students in your school, you just need to perform well enough to pursue your dreams after high school.

Tommy, I think you've gotten quite a lot of good advice. I'm going to build a little on just one point ... being of service to others.

Finding a way to help people could make a big difference for you with social interactions, whether it's volunteer work or a retail or customer service job. I have often found that, if I have a job to do, and if I am in some way "in charge" of doing something for someone, I have a much easier time talking, both in terms of pleasantries (how are you today, fine weather we're having, will that be cash or charge) and then, down the road, more involved conversation.

I remember years ago when I was a Saturday afternoon bartender. Business was slow at that time of day, so I got conversational practice with the few customers I had, but also had a ready exit (oh, I'm running low on ice, gotta go!) when I needed it. During that time, when I went to a party where I knew very few people and was uncomfortable, I started emptying ashtrays. Even just croaking out "excuse me, can I dump this for you?" was enough to break the ice for me.

Now, I realize you can't put yourself in *exactly* that situation at 16, but you can look for opportunities in after-school activities, at the library, your local park district, hospital/nursing home, food pantry, etc. Get some practice getting out of your own head and see if it gives you a little relief and perspective.

Good luck!

Dear Tommy,

I just wanted you to know that I think it is ok to look at things from many perspectives, or to see many sides to an issue. It is not really necessarily a moral dilemma. You just see more than one option. I remember feeling this way when I was a kid. One of the things that some people can have is a gift of grace, you have the ability to understand life in a way many people can not. Please realize that this is not duplicity of your conscience but a gift of understanding. Many times DH and our kids will watch a movie and sympathize with the villain as well as all the characters in the movie. Some people are just not wired to see things in black and white. I agree that it is important for you to help others. Volunteering would be a way that you could make a big difference. My DF use to say you can hate a behavior but love the person. People who can see others this way can be very compassionate and loving. You can chose to make a big difference. Also we, my family and I, all have had the third person perspective. I find this happens when I am over analyzing and that I need to find something challenging and engaging to work on. Or at the very least logic puzzles can help. Keep busy and do good. You are at a point in your life when you get to chose who you are going to be. It sound like you have a great capacity for love. Choose love.

oli, BonusMom and skyward.

I can not thank you enough for your opinions, experiences and advices. The kindness of this community is beyond measure, and you are prime examples.(I am so feeling like a suck-up, please don't regard my comments badly, they are not of that nature. These are compliments born from gratitude.)

@oli
I appreciate that you tell me about how you went through school. It kind of gives me the feeling of having a 'second chance'. I always try to learn from others mistakes, what's the point of heading a direction if you know the location? I want to the place I want to be. I thank you for the motivation, I will heed your advice and work hard to get through!

@BonusMom
I see what you are saying. I have always been involved with Piano and Basketball, and that's like either individual, or within a closet society. I'm also a family person, spends a lot of time with my nearest cousins. I'm close to my family, that's what I'm trying to say, and to be honest, I am quite poorly trained for social interactions. I am horrible at doing conversations, and I should get out and start talking to people, there is just a lot of things going in the way. Mostly fear, and time issues.

The hardest thing is speaking with people you do not have anything in common with. People who are close to me already, and those I am comfortable with is much easier to talk to.

Just have a question. Do you like dancing? I just can not stand it. I just do not feel like it, though I am happy for those who have fun, but it is not fun for me. Seems like I am just not comfortable with the wasted movements ^^. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about proper dancing, but rather like shaking off to hiphop, party songs etc. things teenagers do.

@skyward
Thank you for the compliments. I like to be the nice guy.

About the third-person view in our minds. I have learned that it can deceive you. Even though we have understanding, we can understand in many different ways, but not necessary in style with other people. Have you ever wondered about people, what they were thinking? I can map people I know quite well, but some people I just have no idea what goes on in their heads.

Another thing is that I don't generalize. I got no prejudice, until the moment I observe them. I might quickly categorize them and then judge them upon first impressions. At least if that's the only impressions I get. Things may change after many meetings. People change. I'm just saying, that it's not perfect, it is quite flawed to be honest. But better than a normal persons nevertheless. (at least that is my opinion)

I am just saying, that is good to know what you're equipped with so you don't overdo yourself

Alright, here comes another question... Are you unbiased? Again, I'm quite neutral to things, or I have the options to be neutral. Like, if two persons get into a fight, I might team up with one of them because that person was my friend, but I'd still know inside me that the other person was right (if he was right). Again, this is the third person perspective thing.

Skyward, I will definately choose Love. Well, maybe Happiness is more important. I mean. Love is Happiness. So yeah, I'd go for Love :P I wish for my future family to be full of love and openness. Like your families.

Again, thank you a million timmes!

Sincerely, Tommy

Hi TommyH -
Great to have you here.
I'm thinking that before I met other gifted people, I didnt' realize how harshly I was always judging myself. Then I met lots of other gifted people and see that it's so common amoung us. I think that it is because we don't have much of a useful reference standard to compare ourselves to. Also, we tend to have such vivid and strong imagination. I used to think that if I could imagine a 'perfect way' to behave, that I should judge myself to that perfect standard. Now I see that as much as I want my perfect world to be the real world, it just isn't. And the actual, current world has so much good in it!

So, my guess is that while on one hand, there is always room for improvement in the social skills department, that you probably aren't as bad as you think. Therefore, it would be a shame to let fear of being unskilled stop you from getting more experience which would help you improve. Vicious circle - see? If it helps, praise yourself for being able to imagine what having totally wonderful social skills would be like, and give yourself permission to have 'mere mortal' level of social skills.

I hope this fits, if not, I hope it fits the lurker who is reading over our shoulders! ((giggle))
Grinity