Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Just Need some Support

I don't think anyone here is ashamed of his/her kids.

Also, I don't think being profoundly gifted is analogous to making a quarter of a million dollars a year. Most people here understand that there are good AND bad things associated with being gifted, but we can't discuss any of this with other people because they only see the advantages and thus perceive anything we say about our kids as bragging.

I wish I could be honest about why I enrolled my son in kindergarten a full year early at a private school instead of the local public school. Instead, I find myself struggling to find some evasive half-truth that won't upset anyone. I've taken to telling people he's going to a junior-kindergarten, not a real kindergarten, which is a complete lie. And believe me, people want to know. People ask me directly where he's going and why. Is it obnoxious to wish I could simply answer them honestly without them taking it personally?

? My suggestion on the salary was that it not the way most of us would answer a question about how someone is doing - similar to how it isn't necessary to mention how many sight words a child has in answer to a general question either.

I can't really speak to whether or not there are downsides to that salary, but I'd be glad to offer myself as a test subject if anyone wants to do a study. :-)

As far as kindergarten how about "we looked at a lot of places and this seemed like a good fit."

I've said that many times, but like no5no5 said, it doesn't end there. There are always follow-up questions (why isn't it a good fit?), and you're back to where you started.

Hey, it wouldn't be a valid study without multiple participants...so I'm in too. Gosh, I hope I don't end up in the control group.

That's when with good friends you trust you explain. With those you don't you say some kind of vague thing like "oh gosh all sorts of reasons, but enough about us, how was your vacation..."

It's here on this forum where many parents find the only people they can trust to understand, so it's troubling when someone is accused of one-up-manship even here.

That's the problem I'm having, too.

I feel strongly that our conversations are healthy and positive. The reason so many of us are happy here is because we are NOT seeing people who act the ways that passthepotatoes is claiming people are acting.

I'm sorry you see it as oneupsmanship or something negative about our kids, passthepotatoes. I definitely think you're off-base. I don't think you're fairly reflecting what we do here, and I feel like you're judging us, on everything from how we feel about our kids to what kind of conversationalists we are. I'm uncomfortable with that--with all of that! I think it's over the line.

If you want to change the entire culture as it relates to milestones, then that's your right. You're entitled to your opinion.

However, your experience and your ready answers don't mesh with my reality.

I'm with Taminy and the others who say that we are happy with what goes on here. It is good for us, good for our kids.

At some point, there are diminishing returns in any disagreement, and I feel like I've hit that point.

And just to echo Taminy, since the "I hope it's okay to say something utterly natural about my child, but I worry that it's not" has already begun on the forum as a result of this thread...

The reason this forum exists is so we can talk about our kids and our jobs as parents! PLEASE do not feel self-conscious about saying what you need/want to say! The best part about this forum is people who understand are here to listen. That hasn't changed!

I see the thread has evolved to discussion of behavior on Internet message boards. To be clear that isn't what I was addressing. Sorry, I haven't read the bragging thread so I certainly wasn't commenting on that. I for one would expect conversations to be a bit different in a "mixed" group IRL than on an anonymous message board online. It is great if folks have found support here or elsewhere online.

I do think it really sad thing for people to feel isolated in real life. Message boards can certainly help bridge the gap, but it isn't the same as having people IRL. I'm sure some of what determines IRL support is luck of the draw or circumstance. Beyond that I don't see why it is a threatening idea to consider maybe there are things we can do as parents of gifted kids to lessen our sense of isolation and to parent in ways that are authentic and comfortable with less risk of alienation of others. What ways can we find to the social parts of parenting besides getting support online? Is it worth considering reshaping a bit the way we think about and talk about our kids? I also think it is worthwhile to spend time thinking about how our kids are affected by the ways we talk about them. If they hear us over and over again defining them as about their precociousness how can that feed perfectionism and feelings of pressure?


Whoa, please back way up. Never said or implied a single negative thing about anyone's kids. And, made it clear that I believe that parents of gifted kids are not any more guilty of the overidentification or discussion of milestones than other parents. My suggestion is that these sorts of discussions aren't working well for lots of kids and lots of parents - thus the need to change.


I'm not in charge of changing the culture any more than you are in charge of giving me permission to do so. I was merely providing food for thought. If you are having a strong reaction maybe it is worth considering why. Take what works and leave the rest. I will say that I don't believe it requires a complete change in our culture for individual parents to consider what role milestones, development, acheivement are playing in how they think about and talk about their kids.

Forgive my cranial density... but I obviously don't understand the premise here. Arguably, we have all succeeded in the first part by finding this and similar on-line AND off-line forums. (I don't know about the others, but the on-line forums are much more convenient, in-depth and informational for me.)

But as for the second part, how exactly are we parenting in ways that are not authentic and comfortable? I've never considered the authenticity of anyone here to be in question. (And no matter how gingerly we step, someone is going to feel alienated... to this I can only say "tough nails.")

When I was growing up (in clustered, self-contained GT throughout school), my parents didn't have any difficulties with peer support, because all the other parents they knew were in the same proverbial boat. There were rarely, if ever, "awkward moments" when milestones were discussed... at least nothing like many here have experienced.

Sadly, our district has run away from clustering like scared little bunny rabbits, clinging instead to their egalitarian notions of hetero- classes. As a result, there've been plenty of uncomfortable situations for us when involved in some sort of discussion about our kids with other parents.

The trouble, though, is that I believe that the parents of GT kids have already reshaped the way we talk about our kids IRL. After all, there's just no polite way to take part in a discussion about milestones when your little one is leaps & bounds above in one way (or several). Instead, the parents who, perhaps, need to do a bit of re-shaping are many of the others... and no, this is not just a slice of "It's always them, never me..."

The discussions we manage to have IRL with other GT parents about our kids are always very natural & matter-of-fact... just like groups of parents w/average kids enjoy with each other, or any other cluster of parents along the spectrum. But in mixed situations, there's gonna be awkward moments for someone no matter how carefully you parse your language.

Discussing milestones is perfectly normal and is every parents way of knowing/confirming that a.) their kid is not a weirdo, or b.) their kid is progressing just fine. I've recently been transcribing 70+ years worth of diaries from a family matriarch that chronicle (almost daily) events from about 1885. And guess what? Plenty of recorded thoughts, observations and so forth about the development of this kid or that. No passing of judgments; just watching the growth of those around her.

Now this is something altogether different. I believe that parents in general (and GT parents especially) are very mindful of how they discuss their kids when the kids are within earshot.

I'm left again with a big question mark rattling about my skull...

Them: "How's your kid doing in math this year, our daughter just got all her math facts memorized up to 5?"

Me: "Yeah, math is hard. Oh, our son is still blond. Did I tell you he stuck a penny in his ear last week? What an idiot, huh? ... Hey -- how 'bout them Giants?"

So maybe I'm not getting this last part of your suggestion. In my mind, milestones, achievement & development are a big part of what makes up any kid.

Now the thing that totally torques me off is that if we had these same conversations involving athletic abilities, parents will high-five themselves until their hands are bloodied, celebrating the accomplishments -- minor and major -- of every kid with relatively few "awkward" moments for anyone. Rarely any hurt feelings no matter how disparate the skill levels. But I suppose that's a topic for another day.