Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Behavior issue

Need some advice.....

DS6 has all of a sudden started kicking people at school. In the last 2 1/2 weeks he has been sent to the principal 4 times for kicking, including his substitute teacher. Every time he does this, he loses 2 days of recess and he has lost computer and TV priveleges at home. I've made him write letters of apology on each occasion, but nothing seems to be working.

When I talk to him about it, he tells me that he get's angry and doesn't think until after the fact. Interestingly enough, this behavior has only happened while in K which is a very small part of his day. Up until this started, we have never had a problem at all. He's a very tactile and tends to hug everyone!

Any and all suggestions are appreciated.

I think it is significant that this behaviour occurs only in the K setting. Your DS sounds so advanced on so many levels that I curious if there is a any need for anyone to have him be in K at all.

((hugs)) to you and your DS

it's no fun to feel frustrated (my guess)

I'd mention to him that you noticed this only happens in K and ask him why he thinks this is so.
Follow up questions:
Do you feel angry sometimes outside of K?
If so, what helps you keep your control?
Is it easier to keep your control outside of K than in K?
If so, why do you think that is?
An emotional response scale exercise may help too. Good luck!
http://giftedkids.about.com/od/socialemotionalissues/qt/emotion_coping.htm

He sounds a lot like my DS6. Since starting school he seems to get angry so easily. After kicking, hitting, pinching, etc--he tells me that he knows it is wrong but he also doesn't think about it until after the fact.

I agree that a lot of the behavior could be caused by frustration.

I have no real advice--just sympathy.

I see I have so much to look forward to come this August, huh? I hope you find resolve Shari!

Hi Shari,

We've been there too, and both times it was fixed by getting more challenging work - not particularly challenging, but enough to settle him. It came completely out of the blue for us too, and the outbursts would be so sudden that there was no chance of him thinking through feelings/options beforehand.

I thought the same as Barbara when I read your post - your son has always sounded amazing, and it's hard to imagine a child like that in K - does he have to keep going?

There does seem to be something about this age though doesn't there, that makes it harder for them to cope with life's lows - does anyone know if there are any theories around as to why?

I hope things look up for your DS soon.

bkd

As the possessor of a hot temper myself, I think addressing the symptoms is important, too. (Obviously you want to deal with the cause, as everyone else has already said!)

I found it helpful as a child to be told that anger itself is not intrinsically a bad thing, but like all emotions, it can be productive (where would we be without people who didn't get righteously angry about poverty or injustice, for instance?), or it can be counterproductive (as in kicking your sub!). But you can choose to use your superpowers for good, Spiderman!

Some physical strategies for dealing with the overwhelming nature of anger might also help: my mum sewed pockets on the front of all my dresses, and when I could feel myself getting angry, I stuck my hands in my pockets. As a teen, I found various deep-breathing techniques helpful. These days, if I am getting seriously ticked off about something, I go pull weeds or split some firewood for a while. Anger often needs a physical outlet, but you can't have it be kicking somebody! Maybe you can brainstorm some possible physical outlets with him and his teacher (running on the spot? clapping out the chalk brushes outside?).

He's a smart kid--I think logic will work better than losing recess.

Hope that helps--please ignore if you think it's a bunch of hooey.

peace
minnie

Unfortunately I don't have many words of wisdom, but I can relate with DS4. He started a Montessori school in January and has done wonderful, no problems at all...until 2 weeks ago. It is odd because he does well most of the time, but he just does random unacceptable behaviors sometime. When asked why, he says "I don't know, I just felt like doing it" It is very unlike him and we are shocked. I do know that the school has told me they are unable to challenge him in math because he is above everything they have there...and he loves math. There are still some other challenging things there but I think he sometimes needs more mental stimulus. I don't know, but I have bunches of theories with my DS (of course this is kind of part of my job as I do behavior plans with kids and figure out motivations behind behaviors). I think it is telling that it happens with your DS during K. What activities does it happen during? Are they academic, or social based activities? Is it more unstructured time? I know with my DS it is often more unstructured time and he is not always sure what to do with himself. I fear that things could progress to aggression when our DS starts school next year, he is skipping K and going to first...but still I think if they don't do lots more acceleration he will get bored and act out. I am hopeful that it doesn't happen...but it's hard to say.

You may have already done this, but I would also give him replacement behaviors that he can do instead when he is angry. Talk about other possible options and practice them through role play. It's also good to practice the whole "stop, relax, and think" routine, to help children make better choices when they are upset about things or about do make a poor decision.

Our DS6 has been working on anger problems for several years, and his teacher gave us an article that she found somewhere through this site that we found helpful in understanding it. I hope someone else can steer you toward the article on a description, as I didn't keep it. The article discussed GT ideas of friendship and how GT kids who have previously been considered to have "immature" social skills actually have *advanced* ones instead, which causes them frustration because the other kids don't expect as much out of a friendship as they do. They get angry, not because their social skills are low, but because they are expecting higher behavior out of other kids whose social skills are aligned with their age.

We found this helpful in dealing with DS6's frustration with other kids, because it was spot-on. He gets upset when the other kids don't act like he thinks they ought to act.

On a side note, this really bugged me:
What the heck, can't that school get higher level books? What do they think they are there for, anyway? Arrrgh, I would be tearing the place apart! (Sorry, my school frustration training has nowhere to go right now at our schools, so I have to let it out on everybody else's!)