Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Homeschooling vs. public schooling concern

Hi everyone,

I'm pretty new to the forum but have found it immensely helpful.

I have a concern I would love to have some input on. We began homeschooling DS10 about 1 month ago. DS had begged me to homeschool him for ages because he said he was bored and tired of learning the same things over and over (familiar complaint here, eh?). He acted out in school by being defiant, reading his own books during class instruction, etc. Pair that with the fact that he's been diagnosed as an Asperger's kid and you have a child who can be pretty rigid and frustrated perhaps more quickly than most.

We were having massive meltdowns 2 - 3 times a day over going to school, fatigue, etc. and decided to give homeschooling a try out of desperation. Low and behold, he is completely a different child. We have had virtually no meltdowns since we began homeschooling and he is much more cooperative and loving than I ever imagined. I now feel stupid for not recognizing that the majority of his behaviors were school related. (In my defense, being an Asperger's kid, we've had years of atypical behavior--I'm not sure I even know what "normal" is.)

Anyhow, to cut to the chase, he's a much happier child to be able to work at his own pace and on his own passions but misses his friends a lot more than I expected. He says he's sad that he has to choose between an education appropriate for him and his friends. This really plays into my emotions in that it was my primary concern about homeschooling. I so want him to have a "normal" childhood. How have others addressed this?

As a bit of background, he doesn't quite qualify for the DYS program with a full scale WISC-IV score of 138 and Explore scores that qualify him in math and science only (20 & 20). He's done well in other areas--gifted, just not off the scale. At home we're going through state math requirements systematically so I can prove he has not "missed anything" and we're nearly through next year's curriculum (6th grade) after a month. If we continue homeschooling I think given his current pace, it's likely he'll work through 7th and 8th grade next year.

Re-entry to public school becomes a challenge the longer we homeschool as he is very quick (as I'm sure most everyone here is) and even now does not fit into his age-grade. Should I even be concerned about that at this point?

Lots of questions, I know, but if you all could address even some, I'd so appreciate it. I really have no one to talk to about this.

Thanks in advance!

Hi elizabeth4,

I have two friends who were in similar situations with similar sounding kids....and both now are very different kids now that they are HSing. It seemed so much of their issues were related to school. It's really quite shocking. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. Now you know and can move forward! 8-)

About the DYS program, he doesn't need FS of 145, but rather 145 in either VCI or PRI indices.

About friends....are there any co-ops in your area? I find that for my son at least, having a few good friends is much better than have 20+ *friends* at school. Are there a few friends from school he'd like to keep up with? Can you schedule playtime w/ those kids? I would start searching out other HSers in your area and see if you find someone he connects with.

About re-entry into PS.....yes I've thought of this myself. Especially in math, I see him pulling further away from his peers. As well as in science and history. Composition...not so much lol.

My thought is that I really can only deal with right now. If I don't preserve his love of learning now, help him to learn to stick with it when the learning gets tough, then it doesn't matter what great school might be there in the future. I'm still not challenging him enough I'm afraid. I'm learning about HSing and learning about HIM as I go along. this is our first year HSing and my son is a 3rd grader by age.

One of the things I've found is that neighborhood kids and homeschoolers are quite good for filling in that social need. But, of course, establishing those friendships takes 1) time, and you've only been at it a month so it can seem a bit lonely as you get going, and 2) effort, because you have to go out and actively seek social contact on a frequent basis. Budding friendships die if not nurtured.

I think dividing your social energies between playdates with old friends and activities to get to know new ones is very smart. This is a transitional period for your family in terms of social contacts. In my experience, there's really no cure but to be patient and to keep putting yourselves in places where people who might become friends are.

Are you in a homeschool group? If not, start there. A Google search of your state or area and "homeschool" will probably find at least some options. Some areas are better than others for groups, so I can't say what you'll find. But most places have at least some sort of homeschool group, and secular or inclusive homeschool groups are much more common than they once were. There are THREE such groups (that I know of!) in my small, midwestern city, and there's even a "school for homeschoolers"--which has been great for the social aspect, along with some creative thinking and even some academics, for a very reasonable price! It's pretty amazing!

As for re-entry to a traditional school...I confess I've pretty much given up on it for DS7, at least until high school, when he would have to go to the GT school in town, and I'm not sure that's even going to be a good fit. If there's a flexible school in town and if your son hasn't outstripped it completely, then it's certainly possible to return to school. I'd recommend trying to "go deep" and "go wide" on what he learns rather than merely accelerating the curriculum and doing everything faster. Have him study a pet subject in ridiculous depth. Have him learn a foreign language he's never have access to--DS7 is taking Arabic, for example. Introduce him to things outside the normal curriculum. That sort of thing. It slows down the child's path through the traditional curriculum without boring them. They still go fast, but there's still a chance they'll stay within a couple/3 grades of their age, and so might be able to return to a traditional school if accomodations are made.

Finally, I've come to the conclusion that my son is having a "normal" childhood for him. It's not like my childhood was, not like my husband's childhood was...but he's happy, he has friends, he's growing, he's well-adjusted and generally pleasant to be around, and he's doing just fine.

Isn't that really all a "normal" childhood is?

Dazed&Confused,

Thanks for the reminder about the here and now. I so often project ahead. It is important to keep that in mind. All my thinking ahead is just that--thinking ahead. There is no knowing ahead. I will try to just help him have fun with learning. Gotta stay interested and engaged first and foremost and we are way ahead on that since leaving PS.

Re. friends--I have been thinking about checking out a local HS coop. I think that is a good idea. We've been keeping up with friends on the weekend but it is not as much as seeing his buddies daily---

Re. the DYS program--DS is pretty even across the board--his VCI or PRI (I assume this means Verbal Comprehension and/or Perceptual Reasoning composite scores?) are 128 and 131 respectively. He did hit the ceilings on 2 or 3 of the subtests but I'm not sure it's worth retesting as I've read some people recommend. I'm afraid we may fall in that awkward in between spot. FWIW we have no gifted program in the PS here either.

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I really, really appreciate it!

We had a lonely spot in the first year, too. Hang in there. Activities that aren't academic are usually best for a GT child like yours with a co-op. We had a bad experience with one, and most people (who aren't me! LOL!) figure out that if academics were a problem in school, they will be in a co-op, too. Some co-ops are more fleible than others, of course, so YMMV, but be wary.

Co-ops are great for the social stuff, though! And it's nice to get to see the same kids on a regular basis.

Keep in mind that pretty much all homeschoolers are looking for that consistency of friendships, too. We're all in that same boat. So patience and effort on your part really do mean that you have a very good chance of finding that consistency with someone. Just as your son is trying to find consistent friendships, there's someone out there trying to find your son, too!

Kriston,

You are absolutely right about friendships taking time. I need a little perspective and you have been good to remind me that we are in a state of change right now and nothing will be instant. We live out a bit--in the country--and have just a few neighbors but no real fit for DS10 but the I'm definitely going to check into HS groups (today!)in the area. I know there are a few.

And "deep and wide" is awesome advice as well--such a good way to describe what we will now be able to do that he would never be able to delve into in PS (parallel universes, genetic engineering and physics in general). I'm finding there are so many more resources out there than I could imagine--so exciting.
Your DS is studying Arabic? How neat is that.

You are right about "normal" too. I guess I've been defining normal as what I experienced as a child. Who says that's normal anyhow? It's just a more common experience, that's all. I need to redefine normal with my son in mind, not me.

I feel almost moved to tears by advice from both you and Dazed&Confused. It really helps me to step back a bit. I confess I have been very emotional lately.

Thanks!

I still have weepy moments. We live right next to the public elementary school, and every time I see it, I get a pang. The fact is that taking a leap that far off the beaten path is hard and scary, and being a little emotional comes with the territory. You're doing just fine!

One other thought: be aware that now that your son is happier and his behavior is better, he may connect with kids he didn't connect with before. Unhappy kids don't connect, but happy kids attract friends. It might not hurt to look at neighbors again if there's *any* chance there might be an improvement. (Maybe not, of course. But maybe...) It is awfully handy to have a good friend or two close by!

Keep chugging along! You're doing just fine!

My child is a completely different child homeschooling too. I didn't even realize how bitter he was before until he was out of school for a while.

I totally understand about the social piece. A few things have really made it work for our extroverted 8 year old. 1 - he has a 4 year old sister at home. 2 - by some karmic intervention, the perfect children moved in across the street last summer. GT, well behaved and all. They literally cannot stay apart from each other. 3 - we found a homeschooling family 2 blocks from us. 4 - lots of regular out of the house activities, including a co-op.

I would highly recommend looking at the homeschooling opportunities in your area and maybe activities your son has never had time for, but is interested in. My son will happily play with kids of all ages and abilities luckily. Although our co-op is GT specific and has been a great fit. Make a goal for yourself to find him several social opportunities/outings a week. If he has a particular friend he really misses, you could try setting up regular playdates. Especially until he can really get his feet into your local homeschooling community (sometimes that can be easier in the fall). And I do hope you have one! I know people who drive over an hour 1 way for our co-op because there aren't welcoming homeschooling opportunities close to them unless you're doing it for religious reasons.

"Going Wide" was one of the best pieces of advice I got on here. My DS6 is still in PS. We go wide afterschool and summers. He is learning Mandarin and taking violin. His summer program includes computer programming and physics. All in an effort to slow him down. We will be returning to homeschooling in another year or so when he's completely tapped the Elementary school. I just can't fathom sending a 7-8 yo to middle school.

We are part of a homeschool co-op and use it strictly for social events. Our co-op has scheduled park days, a weekly pokemon club and a monthly field trip. The popularity and growth of h/s is such that groups are popping up everywhere. I think you'll find something without too much trouble. Like you we live outside of the city, so we do a little more driving than most but it's worth it.

I think the HS co-op is something we would use primarily for social reasons as well. I don't mind driving a ways either. It's par for the course where we live. We're looking for a secular environment in which he can make new buddies. Our HSing must be flexible and very child oriented so I'm not following a specific curriculum (I imagine some HS groups might be more curriculum based.)

I am also really trying to up the "friend time" like you suggested kimck. It's kind of an effort for a homebody/introvert like me, but this is not about me anyhow. Thankfully, DS has an incredible music experience. He takes guitar and drum lessons at a local music school that specializes in rock. Through the school he plays weekly in a rock band with 4 other 10-13 year old musicians--like interests and equally passionate about music.

Kriston, have you thought about becoming a counselor/therapist in your next life? It could be a real calling. You seem to have a gift for saying the right thing at the right time Thanks!

I so appreciate everyone's wise words--