Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school I am drained...sooo drained.

thank you all for these wonderful replies...lots to think about. I agree with those of you that question my sending her to her room. It didn't feel right and it didn't work AT ALL. what has worked so well that past couple of days is basically not making her rude comments a big deal. So in the store today she yelled once and I said to her "I don't yell at you, so please don't yell at me." And that was the end of it. At the till she asked for a book that she had been looking at in the cart. I told her that we were just looing at it in the store and it wasn't to take home. I told her we had a lot of other new books at home that we hadn't looked at a lot yet and I told her it was $15 which was too much money for that book (and it was!). Well, she said very rudely "no, I said I want this book and i want it right now." I was unloading the shopping cart while she was saying this, so I kind of brushed it off and said "C----, that is rude, and the answer is still no." and that was the end of that.

My question is...is my not making a big deal out of something like that basically spoiling her and not giving her boundaries? I know it was good that at least I didn't give in and buy the book, but what about talking more about the language and tone of voice she used?

What do you think?

Oh gosh, no -- I've always used a very matter-of-fact tone with stuff like that -- "Nope, no books today!" and move on. Making a big deal out of it makes it worse, imo -- showing her that you won't be rattled no matter what tone she uses will teach her that being rude doesn't help her get her way.

Carry on and calmly set those limits! There will be times when she has enormous fits over not getting the book -- hold tight and know that limits are good for her, and she's not experienced enough to set her own limits yet.

No offense taken : ) I didn't take it as personal just wanted to share what we do. You have a good point, I have clearly seen it misused as well. I also think it is sad when kids just think that they shouldn't do something because they may have to go to time out, and not that it is a wrong thing to do. Of course some of that is developmental. Little kids usually think of things in terms of how it affects them.

And I do tend to jump aboard the freight train of my own thought and just keep going. That doesn't mean what works for us will work for everyone--or anyone!--else! It may not always seem like it, but I *do* know that.

So thanks for sharing!

No, it sounds like you handled the book and screaming situation great. You have to pick your battles. At that age it is more about limits...when they get a little older you can work on tone of voice ; ) When they get older they can understand the concept of "I don't answer you unless you speak in an appropriate tone" (ie: don't scream at me, don't call names and make demands, don't whine about it, etc.) At a younger age that is kind of hard to get and hard for them to control as well.

Yup. I completely agree. There's a BIG difference between being calm and being a pushover. If she doesn't rattle you, that signals to her that you're in control of YOUR emotions, so your words and deeds match up.

I'd say calm and firm/unyielding is the ideal, actually. So pat yourself on the back!

We are always very matter of fact in our responses to our children. I refuse to get in a screaming match. My older kids get sent to their rooms for being disrespectful if they raise their voices, the discussion continues later when it can be just that, a discussion.

For my littles, if they don't like my answer an they throw themselves on the floor, that's ok. I'm quite capable of stepping over a tantrum. It doesn't take them long to figure out that it doesn't work.

My parents had a rule that the loudest one was always wrong. I haven't used it, but I think there's some wisdom there...

I agree that sometimes you have to use different parenting styles with different kids. A one size fits all approach doesn't always work with kids. I think it is good for parents to be able to show that they are frustrated and that sometimes they need a time out (or time away) too. It also shows kids that it is okay for them to take a time away from a situation when they get frustrated. Good modeling. My DS4 was being quite obnoxious on Saturday, I really tried to work with him but finally I just said "listen, I love you lots...but when you whine and complain about everything it makes it not fun to be around you...I would love to spend time with you, but not when you are so miserable...so please leave the room and feel free to come back whenever you are ready to have a nice day together." I had ignored him for a while, and I had encouraged him to not whine so much...but it just wasn't working. And after I tried that it seemed to work. I also try teaching him to use his words and ask him about what is going on...but it's hard for kids to figure out sometimes.

I still don't find yelling appropriate or helpful, but some reaction to explain how you feel at times I think can be helpful if done in the right way. It teaches them empathy and how their behaviors effect other people. Sometimes parents can take the ignoring behavior to the extreme. There are times when you need to address the behavior and how you feel about the behavior.

LOL. That's pretty good. It does have some truth for sure. I went to a training in the fall and there was a similar quote that I can't quite remember. It was something like "the first one to yell is the first one to run out of options."