Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Socialization struggles...

I'm new here and am sure I'm asking something that's been asked many times here before so thanks for humoring me.

My DS is just 3 and is in a non-academic preschool this year. He is an early reader who is now reading probably at the level of a 7 or 8 year old. He's a fantastic kid who always struck me as smart but otherwise a completely typical (whatever that means), sweet-natured, loving boy.

Here's the thing - according to the school staff, he is apparently an anti-social bully while at school. He is perfectly happy and pleasant during story time, independent play time, when they are sharing a snack or things like that. He doesn't seek out other children and keeps to himself but they say he is content doing that. When his class spends time in their gym or playground or during music class or any other somewhat unstructured high-energy group activity he apparently spends his time pushing the other kids, knocking over their toys and generally only interacting with them in this way. I have seen him do this with me and others as well from time to time but not in the consistent and systematic way he apparently does it at school. He's been doing this all year. We have changed his class to see if different teachers might be better but he's still at it. He has no friends in his class.

I am at a loss over why he is doing this and what is going on. Any suggestions on where to turn or how to figure this out and help him?

I greatly appreciate any stories or advice you might have for me.

Thanks,
Sally

Is he in with other three year olds?

Does he have any sensory issues? Some kids are sensory seeking and will do things like push and shove to get that deep physical stimulation they need. Perhaps the high-energy of the group makes him get more high-energy and he doesn't realize what he is doing? How about video tape him so he can watch himself and see how the other kids react and that this behaviour is inappropriate? Is he happy at school?

Why does he have no friends? Is it b/c of the behaviour? I wouldn't assume cause and effect. It could be he is acting this way b/c he doesn't have friends and is angry or it could be he doesn't have friends b/c of the way he acts. I also wouldn't assume negative intent on his part - if he thinks he's just playing and is not aware of how it affects others, I would label him as a bully.

What does he say about his day at school?

Welcome Sally, this sounds a lot like my DS4 when he was a 3yo. I guess I would have to knwo more about your son though, like what his motivation is for this. What I mean by this is, is he trying to hurt them or is he just playing? Is he a big kid? Does he seem confused when others are hurt or are backing away from him? Does he seem to want friends?

There are so many different reasons for this type of behavior. When my DS3 was in school the teacher mentioned he was knocking kids down and that he was "aggressive" when I asked more and observed, she then stated that he never actually means to knock kids down he just plays too rough. See there is a big difference between a child that doesn't know their own strength and isn't sure how to play and a child that is aggressive and trying to hurt peers. Another example of this is when my child was around a group of peers and they were playing a board game. he wanted to play and they had already started a game. He took their board and threw it on the floor. When I heard this I was shocked...but when I talked with him later he simply explained that they would then have to start over and he could play. I give that example because things are not always as they seem. I would look into this more with him. Maybe go and observe and see what is going on. My son would wrestle and play with peers, he was used to playing tag with friends and didn't realize how hard he was tagging. At 3 it was too bad but we had to have a rule at school about not touching his friends because the school had such a problem with it. Now at 4 this isn't an issue. Anyhow, please let us know more if you know more. : )

Oh and good point from dazed and confused about the sensory. I would look into that, especially if he has other sensory issues. there could be so many other reasons for this behavior, not just him being a bully. : )

Sensory issues came up on my radar as well. The circumstances must get him agitated, and he is too immature (being three) to understand how to channel those feelings so people don't get hurt.

See if you can find "The Out of Sync Child" by Carol Stock Kranowitz. It's a fabulous resource.

good luck!

My ds6 is exhbiting those same behaviors now. It's almost like he doesn't know how to play without being rough. We are currently doing counseling and group activities to promote the social interactions. I agree that sensory issues could also be at play in our situation. DS6 does seem to need constant physical contact. We also talk a lot about other people's personal space (bubble) that he must not cross without permission. That does seem to help.

There is a five year old boy in my son's acting class that likes to play rough and I know he is a smart kid, possibly gifted and I have wondered if he has sensory issues. His dad is an engineer, his mother is gifted, and his sister is also gifted.

But my 10 year old son has had a hard time dealing with him because he is so rough. This little boy liked to hit and kick and push my son and other kids when the acting teacher wasn't looking. If my son or the other kids tried to protect themselves they got in trouble because they were older. I had my son read some of the books about sensory issues and he understood a little more why he was acting the way he was and he and the older kids found things for the little boy to do to keep him occupied and he is getting a little better as he gets older. It also used to bother my son a little when the younger boy would lean against him when my son was trying to read or play his Nintendo DS, but a better understanding how sensory issues can effect people differently helped him deal with it. My son has some sensory issues and he didn't realize until he read more about it that they can effect people differently.

I would have to ask the name for sure but my DD's speech therapist is using a "Picture Book of Social situations" that seems really cool. Maybe something like this would work?

Say the one about "Don't be a space invader", talks about how to respect peoples space in very very simple terms and has pictures showing the right way and wrong way to do it. It can be used for kids with many different reasons for not responding appropriately with others. It does sound like it could very well be sensory.

I know we are jumping the gun on sensory issues, but I have to say that most young children in general have some sensory issues it is just that some have them to a more serious degree. I work with 4 and 5 year olds all day, you would be amazed at how many have sensory issues that others would overlook. Often times these kids can be misdiagnosed with other things (especially ADHD, and ODD, and OCD) Anyhow, I agree that "out of sync child" is a great book, also "the out of sync child has fun" And the last one I really like is "Starting Sensory Integration Therapy: Fun Activities That Won't Destroy Your Home or Classroom" The last two books have some good activities you can do at home. There are fun things you can do that can really be helpful of either avoiding sensory issues, or helping with children that have them. When I have a child that has those issues, I try to work some activities in counseling as well to help even more. Anyhow, I would check those out and see what you think.