Please bare with me as I explain my situation.
My son is 7 years old and just started second grade (youngest in class). A year ago he did the WISC test and scored 99.8% (extremely gifted) in the visual spatial. He didn't want to complete the test so total score is average. However, he has amazing abilities demonstrated since he was 3-4 years old in many areas, including engineering, construction, electronics, and mathematics. His reading is definitely good for his age, but not as advanced as his math. He is sweet, friendly, kind, and athletic. He is strong minded and persistent about the things he cares about.
The real problem is not my son, though. It's his mother. Not all parents have good parenting skills, and not all people are coachable (or able to self-improve). I'm not perfect, for sure. But I have experience in education and I consider myself a good parent, open minded, and coachable. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about my ex-wife. And the fact that my son is gifted makes it even more challenging for her. I feel for her. She is desperate for help. In her desperation she came up with theories about our son having ADHD and autism, and she is very keen on medicating him. Thankfully, because we share legal custody, she cannot do it.
We did a full neuropsych evaluation where autism was ruled out and an ADHD (combined type) was a secondary provisional diagnosis. The primary diagnosis was adjustment disorder (explained by the stress our son is experiencing at home or school). When I look at the data that participants provided in the neuropsych, and analyze it based on the DSM-5, I can't see how such a provisional diagnosis makes sense. Moreover, he is a great child (based on what I see with other kids), and I don't have any of the problems my ex-wife has with him. What makes more sense to me is that my wife provided negative opinions in the evaluation, omitted all the good things, and the school (and the teacher) are not a good fit for him, so their inputs also leaned slightly negative. Combined with the stress at home, there was enough signal for the evaluator to lean towards a pathological direction.
I did not want to do the neuropsych evaluation because I know that evaluators are trained to find problems (easier) more than they are to justify normalcy (harder). Following that, we started an IEP process, co-parenting counseling, and therapy for our son (some sessions will be child+parent). All of those have been court ordered.
My prediction, and what we hear from many professionals, is that our son won't qualify for an IEP. Maybe a 504. But even with an IEP, it won't change the fact that the program at the public school is still what it is - standard. He brings home unfinished classwork, and then completes it super fast with 100% correctness with me. So I know he is capable, but bored at school. He tells me he doesn't have friends at school, but when we go out he makes so many friends and is so friendly. He can see that other students finish their work, and have friends to play with. I worry that the longer he stays in a similar setting (public school), the more he will deteriorate emotionally and academically, and that his mother will use that to build a case with the court to medicate him against my will.
The co-parenting counseling is meaningless since it doesn't address the main issue (Mother's parenting skills). And our son hates the therapy. He is basically locked in a room where he doesn't want to be and there is nothing interesting to do. I have a good lawyer who says to wait until more data is available from the therapy and IEP process, but I am worried we will be "sitting ducks". I spoke to educational consultants. I found a private school and offered to pay for it, but my ex-wife refuses to send him to a private school (she has no good reasons).
I feel helpless. I feel that we are wasting time, money, and efforts in the wrong direction, instead of helping our son. I feel we are forcing him to go to a school that is not a right fit for him, and it creates a lot of problems. What do people think? Any advice? In particular I would like advice on how to make a case against medicating our son, and for changing his school.
