Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion How to deal with kid gifted differently than you?

Hi everyone!

I have so much trouble relating to my daughter. My fantasy with any child, gifted or not, is that we'd share similar interests, relate, talk about interesting things together, etc. -- obviously a total fantasy.

I was identified as gifted when I was young. Then my daughter was identified as gifted. I was so excited about this because now I expected more intense intellectual conversations with her and a closer bond. Didn't happen. Things actually got worse because my expectations of her increased.

Does anyone else have a kid who is gifted in a different way and driving them insane?

I was always very empathic and concerned about other's feelings, to the point that I could intuit their feelings and be able to give them what they needed emotionally back to make them feel better.

Although my daughter will cry for hours after seeing a sad play, she doesn't show any care about the feelings of people in her life. She orders people around and is basically a bully.

She's ten, but since the age of two, she's been extremely practical and logical. If working at something isn't going to matter in the long run in her mind, she won't work at it -- even if she's very talented at it. This drives me nuts because I have always been an A-type perfectionist and wanted to be the best at anything I tried. Plus, she has way more talent than I had in things like music, and she won't even practice.

Her sense of justice is way more pronounced than mine ever was. I always had an acute sense of justice, but I was able to let it go in social situations. If a friend disagreed with me, I was able to let my sense of justice go in order to maintain my friendship. She's unable to do that. She's always telling her friends they are wrong, refusing to apologize based on principle, not considering their feelings, etc.

I'm having so much trouble dealing with her or even respecting her. I really value empathy and being kind to people.

Has anyone else had to deal with a similar problem?

Thank you in advance!

Was coming back to this thread after glancing at it earlier today, to make a comment similar to Portia's.

It may not be that she doesn't care about other people's feelings, but that she doesn't know how to read them, or doesn't know how to respond to them.

In addition to comments above, it seems that part of the issue may be not so much different types of giftedness as very different personalities. In particular, while she may have a second e, she may also just not be as much of a people pleaser while it seems you value keeping relationship waters calm. This difference may be causing you to view her as lacking, when she either doesn't or can't react as you would.

I would also add that overexcitabilities seem to play a big role when it comes to gifted people being able to get along with others (and each other). DS6 and I have the opposite problem as you do with your DD, in that we're too much alike. We sometimes get into a tailspin when he gets worked up about something, then I get upset about the fact that he's upset, then he gets upset about the fact that I'm upset, and then... Well, you get the point.

What I'm trying to say is that relationships with GC are often just "more". So maybe you can take heart in knowing that you're not alone.

In my pre-baby reading binge, the book that still stands out in my memory a dozen years later is Penelope Leach. Granted, my DS failed to behave like any baby in any book we ever found . However, what that book had was long chapters talking about different types of baby temperament, and what were likely to be the greatest needs of such children - AND different types of parenting temperament. Most importantly, she talked about how to deal when the parent your child needs is not the parent you naturally want to be. It made a huge impression on me, and the idea helped me deal with the vast disconnects between the babyhood I envisioned with DS, and the one I had.

Maybe someone on the board can suggest a similar resource looking at tweens and teens? Even reading Leach at this late date might have some use in helping re-frame the problem. The baby stuff is obviously meaningless for a 10-year old. However, thinking about how to consciously recognize the disconnect between the way we want to parent, and the parent our child needs, and building strategies to bridge that gap - that is a struggle many of us work on continually.

Not exactly what you want, but I think you might benefit from reading The Explosive Child, if you haven't yet. It's not really just for kids who are explosive. Ross Greene also has a new book out, Lost and Found, which is aimed a little more at teachers than at parents (I think - it hasn't come to the top of my library queue yet), but that is reported to have a similar theme. It's really about figuring out what your kid wants and needs, what you want and need, and how to find solutions that work for both sides.

"she doesn't show any care about the feelings of people in her life. She orders people around and is basically a bully."


I had this issue with my child, or at least similar. it was hard to fathom, for me, anyway, if I was MORE firm with her, she would soften, but that is what occurred. I was at a point where I would respond to her screaming and rudeness by backing away and giving in, more and more, thinking she would "come around" or at least stop hollering. Or behave like my son, who just follows rules.

It literally took only 1 solid consequence to get her to get on a much better path, and it's been mostly uphill since then. I had to sit in her room for about 1.5 hours listening to her scream and not 'give in'.

If it's a matter of not knowing how to read or respond to social situations, I just picked up a book upon recommendation to go through with my DC this summer (I thought it might help with anxiety in social situations) called 'Social Rules for Kids: The Top 100 Social Rules Kids Need to Succeed' by Susan Diamond. I like the format.

This was us. We are both empathetic and sensitive, but our parents were strict and unreasonable in our memories. So we decided to parent in a more empathetic way. Turns out we got it backwards. The reason that we turned out the way we did was because of our parents' firmness. If we are firm with our DD then we have a much more thoughtful and nice DD. If we back off, she turns into a proto-super villain (highly intelligent, manipulative, selfish, mean). When we lay down the law, she's both better behaved AND happier.

Seems we owe our parents an apology (at least for that one, there are other things they did that we are NOT emulating -- like my parents were very, very overprotective and it didn't help me at all when I became an adult).

I'll second Portia and aeh above - your dd might not understand other people's feelings.


While this might work for a neurotypical child, it's not likely to work if the underlying issue is a lack of understanding other people's reactions and emotions.

I'll also add for the OP - whether or not your dd can use help with social skills etc, there's a bit of a universal thing here that might help to look at. These are just my thoughts, and definitely aren't meant to minimize anything you're going through with your dd. Just food for thought. I think it's almost universal that most of us, going into parenthood, have a preconceived idea in our head of what it will be like or what we want our relationships with our children to be like. I think it's also probably almost 100% guaranteed that none of our children or our family dynamics once we have children, will turn out the way we dream about them unfolding. What makes a meaningful relationship with anyone (child or otherwise) isn't finding someone who is what we want them to be, but finding a way to appreciate who they are. That can be tough with children sometimes, simply because there's so much else entangled in our relationships with them - hopes, dreams, worries over the future, wanting to do the right thing, getting through the details of everyday life. Plus kids will be kids - issues with social skills etc aside

I have three children, and one is a lot like your dd. Another one is a lot like *you* (way more than I ever will be lol!). The third is just entirely a different person from the other two, who are entirely different from each other. None of them turned into the type of person/relationship you were hoping to find with your dd, but otoh, they are all three of them amazing people. Our lives as a family, the life they have grown up with so far, is very different from the life I'd imagined once upon a time - but it's *beyond* wonderful. It's not wonderful because my kids are angels - remember, I have one who is a lot like you describe your dd, and the other two, although different, come with their share of challenges. It's wonderful because they are unique, and in living through all of our times - happy times, fun times, and rough times - we've grown to appreciate what's wonderful in each of us. OK, we parents probably appreciate it more than our kids at this point in time... but that's ok, they're still kids

So my advice is - if you think that perhaps your dd needs help with social skills, look for professional guidance. Whether or not you think it's worth pursuing, google Aspergers + adolescent girls too, and see if any of the descriptions tend to fit your dd - if you see something there, seek professional guidance. And no matter what happens with all of that, try to let go of what you were looking for - that close relationship where you meet on common mind-ground - and instead make a conscious effort to spend time with your dd doing what she enjoys. It doesn't have to be a lot of time, just make sure it happens a few days each week, even if only for 15 minutes. It might not be all that much fun for either of you at first, but make it a priority and do it. I'd also spend a little bit of time (just a few minutes a day) either thinking about or journaling about the things that you find delightful, fun, interesting, or simply amazing about your dd. Smile with her. Make an effort to consciously love her for who she is (I am not implying at all that you don't love her as she is already - just saying use love as a verb, and focus on it).

If you can manage to let go of your expectations, you will most likely eventually find a relationship even more amazing and fulfilling than what you'd hoped for.

Best wishes,

polarbear

ps - also wanted to add - your dd is 10. She's about to head straight-on into what can be the most challenging time for bonding between parent and child. Adolescence, puberty, peers etc - the ages of 10 - 14 are among the toughest for most of the parents I know - so if nothing else, so have patience with your relationship and with your dd. Also reach out among your dd's friends' parents or other parents you know of same-age kids in real life, just as you've done here. You'll at least find good company