Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion GT + other issues (social/emotional)

Does anyone else here have a GT child with other issues as well? DD is 8 years old and in 2nd grade. She was identified as GT in kindergarten. Academically, her grades are exceptional. It is not unusual for her to get a 100 on her report card in more than one subject. She is in a dual language program (Spanish/English), and she is doing as well as (or even better) than native Spanish speakers in Spanish even though DH and I are Anglo and don't speak Spanish at all (a good 80% of her class is Hispanic and many of them have at least one Spanish-speaking parent or grandparent).

But...that being said...last week, DH and I had a conference with her teachers, and the poor thing is having at least 1 meltdown per day. She cannot calm herself, and luckily, her teachers realize she is not doing it on purpose. She has meltdowns trying to find a book every week in the library though it is a clear routine. She has meltdowns if the slightest thing changes in the schedule. She has meltdowns if they are doing something in PE she does not like. She has high anxiety if a test is timed and usually the last one finished with her work (though almost always her grade will be 100%). She had one meltdown episode so severe, her teacher had to send her to both the principal and the counselor, and my daughter didn't even tell us about it; her teachers told us days later at the conference. (Luckily, the school principal is a wonderful woman and has told us she has an intense GT child of her own, so that helps.) In addition, DD is sensitive to loud noises and will not use any of the school restrooms except the nurse's restroom because the others all have hand blow dryers. She's got other sensory issues too like tons of foods she will not eat (doesn't like to combine foods - will not eat pizza but will eat bread, cheese, pepperoni all separately), clothes have to not be too tight (won't where blue jeans at all, must wear socks inside out), etc.


Needless to say, the teachers are having DH and me come back later in the spring to work on a behavior (IEP) plan with the school counselor, but what to do in the meantime...?


She is just one INTENSE little girl! Anyone else have a GT kid like this and how do you cope?! Some days I want to pull my hair out! It's hard to remember she is who she is and getting frustrated at her won't do anything but make it worse.

Intense is THE word I would use to describe DYS DD10. She is just this tiny little ball of intensity and it manifests in various ways...not all good. She is a work in progress. She also has some pretty extreme food sensitivities and when she was younger, was rather sound sensitive (she seems to have grown out of the sound issue a bit).

Have you read about Dabrowski and Gifted Overexcitabilities? http://sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted

Hi there!

I have a DS8, also in second grade, who has many, many of the same sensitivities/triggers/issues that your daughter has. Unfortunately, instead of his challenges showing up as distress, he basically just gets angry and acts like a jerk. Like you, I'm lucky to have a good principal and teacher that want to understand and work with him.

As far as holding onto my sanity (and my hair - which I also often want to pull out) - I try to keep front of my mind that he is not intending to be a jerk, he just doesn't know how to control his big, Big, BIG emotions.

He's getting better over time, with encouragement and support from teachers and principal and unconditional love from his parents.

I try to make a point - especially when he has gotten in trouble - to show that I love him always and forever. It sounds trivial, but I think it really helps.

The things that have made it possible for me to do that have been the various PG resources: neuropsych assessment and recommendations by a gifted kid specialist, this board, Davidson resources, etc. They helped me understand how hard he is struggling, how much harder he is trying than other kids, even though he still has a harder time in school than most. It also helps that these resources (usually) make it possible for me to put blinders on as to folks who judge. They don't know what he struggles with, so their input has to be irrelevant (even if it stings). The sentence I quoted above makes me think you might already be doing a good job at this!

One last thought - though it makes day-to-day life challenging, I've come to be grateful that he manifests his struggles this "angry" way - even if it causes us both grief and anxiety. For kids who manifest the struggles only internally - outwardly appearing to be okay, maybe a little isolated or lonely or sad, but nothing to trigger "those meetings" - well it seems so much harder for parents and teachers of those kids to spot the problem. And it's so much more likely for the problem to grow and grow, percolating under the surface, until it causes bigger problems that are harder to handle.

So maybe try to think of her meltdowns as her highly effective call for help at a time when her world is better suited to help her grow and adjust than it will be 3 or 5 or 10 years from now when it otherwise might pop out?

Regards from a kindred mom,
Sue

I don't have much advice, but it does sound just like my DD7. We started taking her to see a therapist this year, which has helped her to learn some coping techniques. It sounds like your school is supportive and proactive in dealing with your daughter, which is wonderful.

Thank you so much for your responses. It's good to know I'm not alone. Both my sisters have kids, and neither my nephews nor my nieces exhibit any sorts of the behavior issues DD has. They just don't understand what I deal with on a daily basis. I guess it is a good thing she vocalizes and externalizes her feelings as I struggled a lot with internalizing things growing up. I've had issues with depression and anxiety my whole life and worry that I've parented her wrong, but on the other hand, I would have never had a meltdown in front of schoolteachers or classmates as a child. The teachers have mentioned perhaps getting her into cognitive behavioral therapy to help her cope with these issues.

For a long while, I actually debated whether DD could even cope with public school or if we would have to homeschool her, but I felt like she needed the socialization (especially being an only child). In kindergarten, she wouldn't even play with other kids, but by first grade, she made 2 good friends, so at least, she will play with other kids at recess.

But her behavior problems...ugh! I know she doesn't have ADD or anything because she can concentrate absolutely on books, schoolwork, etc.; however, she gets so excited and hyperactive when she knows the answer to a question the teachers ask the class (which is nearly always), she must get out of her seat and run all over the room with her arm raised. I imagine it must be exhausting to be her teachers! I'll be sure to get them a great end-of-the year gift as they have been amazing.

The funny thing too is that despite all these meltdowns, DD loves school and dislikes it when there are school holidays.

Hi - I can chime in there with more supportive, you're-not-alone words mostly. But also the benefit of time -- my son is now in 5th grade, and while he still has occasional meltdowns/tears, they are much less frequent or dramatic than when he was in 2nd. Helping teachers/principal understand over-excitabilities (and learning about it myself) has really made a positive difference. As has careful teacher placement :-) That said, its not gone, and he isn't "typical" in a classroom either.

I agree with Sue, though, about it being a blessing in disguise that her feelings are visible, and you're able to at least try to help and understand!

Portia makes an excellent point about the triggers. Each in their individual ways provides a window into the things that are hard for these kiddos:

Perceived inconsistency in application of rules. Happens every day. Drives my son literally to distraction. Pings in the PG kid's need for justice and rationality.

Anything "boring" which likely means either (a) too easy and repetitive or (b) a challenge - which he is unused to facing. Pings in either (a) rapid acquisition of knowledge and desire to move on or (b) perfectionism and excruciating embarrassment at perceived imperfection.

Chaos and loud or unpredictable settings. Read that as "any public school classroom on any given day."

Smelly things. Read that as "lunch time in any public school cafeteria."

Things that don't make sense. Read that as any one of a million classroom rules, for example "only reading books at your assigned level." Or any one of the many inaccurate statements heard each day, including as made by teacher.

Uncomfortable things. Kids sitting too close at [the always horrible] circle time. Sand in shoes. Tags. Blisters. Leaf blowers outside the classroom. That kid over there making weird noises.

Disrupting things. Just getting to the exciting part of a story when reading time is OVER. Itches that can't be scratched, leaving behind towering frustration.

Isolating, lonely-making things. Feeling different when other kids want to talk about [typical kid stuff] and PG kid wants to talk about [seriously atypical stuff that other kids aren't interested in and teacher doesn't want to hear about/doesn't know about/suggests is wrong when it is NOT].

When I start listing all the things that can sincerely upset and distract a sensitive, intense kid - big surprise they are off kilter much of the day. Just one more thing to help me keep my patience!

Thanks for the support everyone. My sisters have children, and while my nieces and nephews are all smart kids, none of them are GT. I was also in that category growing up - a very high performer, but I worked hard for my grades and it wasn't something that just came to me, and I know I wasn't doing things like DD, which is figuring out multiplication on her own in 1st & 2nd grades before it's been introduced by the school or taught to her by us.

It is a good point to try to document her triggers. Sometimes, speaking with her after the fact, I can weasel the trigger out of her; other times she will refuse to talk about anything that caused a meltdown, even days later and will have a meltdown even thinking of the past meltdown. It's nice when the triggers are obvious like uncomfortable clothing or foods she dislikes or loud noise, but so many of them are not clear to the ordinary person although of course, DD thinks anyone should be upset by whatever happened (or the reason for the trigger is convoluted).

In kindergarten, DD would not play with other kids at all at recess or even on the play equipment, but starting last year, she has made 2 good friends she always plays with at recess (though she gets distraught if the 2 girls have a disagreement on how/what they will play during recess). Her friends are both exceptionally outgoing girls, and one of the little girls is extremely wonderful with DD, helping her with deep breathing to calm down and seems to understand that DD is different from other kids and that is just the way DD is.

I am lucky DD has had very supportive teachers at this school and of course, I don't think her principal could do a better job. I'm also happy we got her into the dual language program (it is only offered at one elementary school in the district, and we had to apply then re-district because DD's school is not her assigned elementary school). I think if she didn't have to learn Spanish half the day, she would be bored in school, but I don't think she is emotionally equipped to skip ahead to higher grades, never mind if she is reading English at nearly 6th grade level and usually has straight 100s in math. Still, I can imagine how exhausting it has to be for her teachers knowing DD will likely have at least 1 meltdown a day and having no idea what might trigger it.

I am curious whether you have consulted with a psychologist before. Although being highly sensitive is a feature of some gifted children, the degree of rigidity and lack of emotional regulation for a 8 year old is outside the norm. Would the school do a psycho educational evaluation as part of the IEP process? She may benefit from some play or talk therapy.

We have not done a psych. eval. My husband is against it. I thought she needed one ages ago. I'm not sure if the school IEP process will include a psych eval. At the very least, I know she has high anxiety besides the sensory issues. The other night we were talking about how she will not eat sandwiches (she will eat bread, deli meat, cheese, but all separately), and she had a complete meltdown, crying that she was "weird". It broke my heart. It took ages to calm her down.