Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Any suggestions about DIY speech/language help?

I guess it was just a matter of time.

I received an email from one of DS teachers that stated:

"Over the course of our time together, I have watched [DS] throw out seemingly benign comments that have put the people around him on the defensive. This behavior has made the atmosphere of the class edgy. When talking with [DS] about it I said that it felt like very aggressive passive aggressive behavior. I asked him if he knew the behavior that I was referring to and he confirmed that he did."

I responded and told her that even when DS states that he understands, he probably doesn't, and asking him for a specific example would probably confirm this.

DS came home from school and I asked him about it. He said he didn't know what she meant but nodded and agreed (he thinks this is the expectation). He said she told him his "words have knives" but he, in a moment of unusual insight (yay!), said he thinks it's because of his tone of voice and his facial expression, both of which stay the same all the time and have an irritated, annoyed quality.

I asked for an example and the only one he could come up with was that he told a classmate it would be faster to learn to use the shift key than using caps lock when keyboarding.

I'm not sure if he's right about his example, but if he is, I understand why teacher said "benign" since this is pretty benign, but could sound snotty if said in a particular way.

He was also pretty confused by her analogy (knives) and I kind of laughed a little since that is about the worst way possible to communicate with a literal kid with autism.

He can't help this, but he wants to do better.

I asked the teacher if she's willing to work out a discrete cue for letting him know when he sounds unpleasant--we'll see.

In the mean time, any ideas about how to help at home? I decided to delay the SLP eval because he can't miss any more class right now. He's going to work with CBT therapist for the rest of the semester on EF issues and anxiety and then next semester, we'll do SLP therapy.

Since the school won't do anything to help him, we are kind of piece-mealing.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Yes, we have this going on too. DS12 often makes statements or expresses opinions in a manner that others could find offensive or annoying. He has consistently stated that he doesn't know that he does this and is not aware of the negative vibe that his voice and body language give off.

Lately we've had some success with asking him to "Say that again but in a nicer fashion." He seems to get a grip and manage to control his tone when reminded.

But I see this being an uphill battle for him, especially around people who are context-sensitive. This is not an issue that we are ready to engage in just yet - DS has more pressing concerns - but it will be something we have to address soon.

DS here has begun to understand that he *does* give off a vibe, but doesn't know what he's doing, exactly. He did make the comment that it's because of his "resting b*%$ face and resting b*%$ voice" (which I realize is inappropriate, but it doesn't bother me--he turned an internet meme into a new thing) and he is right. His voice quality is highly nasal and he sounds kind of arrogant but it ALWAYS sounds like that. Also, it was cute and professor-y until it suddenly...wasn't.

I may try something like that "say it nicer" and/or have him practice saying things differently. Last year, he was so frustrated by everyone misunderstanding him all the time, he finally came up with "just don't say anything," but I do not want him to think that's his only option.

To tell the truth, I really think for the most part the adults are more annoyed by him than the kids. As far as I can tell, other kids like him. At school functions, he's more or less mobbed by his classmates. I think because he is funny.

Awareness is half the battle.

With DS, we've pretty much had to do at home speech therapy since age 3, the first time we struggled getting adequate support.

We tend to tackle one problem at a time, with discussion in a low stress situation (walking to school or riding in the car) about why it's important. When he makes an error, we mention it in private as soon after the incident as we can. I get very specific with more or less the following formula while being ultra calm and working hard to include zero shaming in it, while being clear and direct: "I understand you were trying to explain something to . What you said came across as rude because your tone/words made it sound like you felt superior." Early in the process, I then include something along the lines of, "Here's what you could have said," and after several iterations, I move to "Can you come up with another way to say that?"

Very good, thank you. Especially appreciate the "superior" comment, because I'pretty sure that is exactly how DS comes across. This is not helped by the fact his favorite words are stupid, idiotic, and moron.